A couple months ago, I needed to take a trip for work. I’d never flown before so I asked my sister (L) if she wanted to join me for a little vacation, which she agreed to!
We get down there and the day of the meeting comes. It’s at 3:00, so I figure I’ll catch an Uber at 2:30. I’d never done Uber, so L says she’ll help me set it up and then ride with me when the time comes, just to make me feel safer.
At around 1:30, despite having the day off, L gets pulled into a one-on-one with her mentor. By 2:40, it’s still not done, so I get into the Uber app and start to do it myself, but don’t know what the different vehicle options mean. I show her my phone in an attempt to get her to simply point to what I should pick. However, she waves me off and says, “I’ll be done in a minute.” Finally, at 3:05 or so, she gets off her call and helps me set up my ride. She offers to go with me, but at this point I’m so fed up that I tell her I’ll go on my own. In hindsight, I could have figured the app out on my own, but at the time I felt like I would screw it up.
I show up late, and it’s not just a casual get-together, but a presentation. So I walk in like a total idiot at 3:20, kicking myself for trusting L to help me. I was so embarrassed and flustered that I didn’t even want to check my phone since it was a relatively small meeting and I thought people would notice. (Stupid, I know, but I’d started the job two months before and didn’t want to screw up again since I’d come in late.)
Finally at 3:50, I figure I need to sneak a text to a family member, so I check my phone. I have 3 missed calls and a text message from L, asking if I made it. I also have a text from my mom asking if I’m okay. Still pretty upset with L and knowing my mom will let her know about my text, I tell my mom that I made it.
The meeting ran late, so I didn’t make it back to the hotel until 10:30 or so. L is still at her computer working and has her earbuds in, so I call my boyfriend. At some point, L gets up and leaves. During this time, my boyfriend says that she was messaging him while I was gone, venting to him about me. I guess she stopped talking to him when he didn’t agree with her. She comes back at about 1:30AM and I wrap my call up, I’m in bed at this point so I’m just hoping to decompress.
I don’t remember how the conversation started, but L ends up yelling at me for *texting my mom and not her.* She said, “Why did I even fucking come down here?! I could have been at my new house!” I try to explain the situation around arriving at the meeting late, but she continues to shout over me. Finally I just give up talking, and she yells, “You’re not arguing with me because you know I’m right!” before storming out of the room.
I call my boyfriend back, pretty shaken up, because it felt like an extreme reaction from L. This is not the first time she’s turned her explosive anger on me, but there have been relatively few incidences of that caliber since our high school days.
The rest of the trip is tense, we mostly avoid each other. The night before we fly back, she apologizes for making me late to my meeting, and asks me to “make this trip tolerable.” She does *not* apologize for shouting at me. Either she doesn’t remember saying what she did (she’d been at the hotel bar but didn’t seem that drunk? So I doubt it’s that), or she thinks yelling at me was an acceptable punishment for my actions. I did not make much effort to accept her apology.
After we made it back home, I knew our relationship was damaged—maybe for a long while, maybe forever. I decided the best course of action was to limit my interactions with her. I did go to the family get-together at her new house. I was mostly quiet, I didn’t try to start anything, but I definitely wasn’t warm towards her.
Initially, my mom understood my side but defended L, saying that she was under a lot of stress because of her job and the new house. But L has been giving her the cold shoulder, and my mom is now scolding me as a result. She’s telling me it’s my fault L won’t speak to her. My mom ended up in the hospital for a week recently and now claims it was due to the stress of her kids not getting along.
Today, my mom—more forcefully this time—told me I need to make up with L because she “can’t take it anymore.” She said this is “breaking our family apart.”
Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Do I just need to let this all go to keep my mom happy? Is limiting my interaction with my sister healthy, or is it holding a grudge? At the very least, is there any way to make it clear to my mom that I am not responsible for my sister’s behavior? What could I say the next time she snaps at me to make up with my sister? I just feel like I am everyone’s emotional punching bag and it’s exhausting.
TL;DR: Sister explodes on me because I texted my mom and not her after leaving in an Uber by myself. I decide the best thing to do is limit interaction/contact. My mom was initially understanding, but is now angry with me because my sister is not speaking to her (allegedly because of me). My mom thinks I need to make nice and let it go because this is breaking the family apart and affecting her health.
12 comments
Jesus, its like reading my own life.
I’m sorry, I wish I could help. My relationship with my sister is all over the place. I NEVER do anything right. And my mom always gets involved somehow.
I don’t have much advice, but I feel your pain.
Your mom should probably back off and stop putting herself in the centre of all of this. She’s being kind of a diva.
I’m not going to fully defend your sister but I can’t fully defend your stance here either OP.
While I understand your frustration with your sister’s failure to order you an Uber, you’re the one who was on a business trip. She was on vacation. It was your responsibility to arrange your own transportation. You relied on a non-professional service – your sister.
Your sister apologized for the uber thing, but you wanted more apologies. It’s not that you’re wrong to want that acknowledgement of her shouting but uhm, did you apologize for not texting her? She’s not the only one who acted un-ideally here…
>Either she doesn’t remember saying what she did (she’d been at the hotel bar but didn’t seem that drunk? So I doubt it’s that), or she thinks yelling at me was an acceptable punishment for my actions.
You’re assigning intent here. Be careful with that. You cannot see inside anyone’s head but your own.
>After we made it back home, I knew our relationship was damaged—maybe for a long while, maybe forever.
An incident where you both made a poor decision (you trusting someone on vacay to get you an uber; her not insisting on getting you said uber when her mentor or w/e was talking to her), and then you both get mad… you stonewall and she shouts… she apologizes but it’s not good enough… *This* is going to permanently damage your relationship? Why? Why does it have to?
I do not see this incident as eternal-grudge worthy. That’s just my opinion. My fam and I have been through some rough times and done some not great things to each other, but we always find a way to heal the hurt when it appears. I know in some families that is simply not possible, but I’m not seeing any abusive or unforgivable behaviour here – except maybe the manipulative shit your mom is pulling.
You both sound petty. She was out of line to ignore you, but the one on one may have been a very big deal. You need to be able to take responsibility for your own ride if it’s a work matter. She asked if you were okay and you not texting her was petty and thoughtless because she was probably actually worried about her sister. Her venting to your boyfriend was out of line for obvious reasons. Shouting at you was unnecessary. Then your mom starts playing the guilt card.
Just because others screwed up it doesn’t justify your own mistakes. This applies to all three of you.
You are making a big deal out of nothing. You are 26 years old, get your own Uber. This whole thing is ridiculous.
OP, your sister clearly cares about you and it seems like you were minimizing her meeting with her mentor in priority of your things when you yourself admit that you could have probably figured it out if you weren’t annoyed. And she cared about you making it because you were nervous and that’s why she was upset. She was probably worried you got lost or something. It doesn’t excuse her yelling at you but if this is an extremely rare thing I would suggest communicating with her and asking her if both of you guys could talk it out in a calm loving manner. And that you hear her and why she’s upset but you also need her to see why she upset you by exploding at you. I don’t think this issue is worth losing someone who genuinely cares about you and trust me, I have a sister so I know how it is fighting with your sister. Family can get on our nerves like no other. But in the end this incident just shows me she cares about you so being the bigger person and approaching her but also expressing the ways you were hurt too and not letting her brush over that is the best strategy in my opinion
Your sister bent over backwards to help you by combining her vacation with your business trip and unfortunately got caught at the wrong time. Given it was a 1-1 on her time off, it was probably important.
You had solutions to fixing your problem when you realised there was one I.e. Google, spending more on a taxi, asking someone else for help etc. Instead you chose to be late.
She then apologised and tried to make sure you were safe and ok, because she was clearly worried enough to tell your mum and you ignored her on purpose and messaged your mum instead.
She then lost her temper because you were still not acknowledging your bad behaviour. She shouldn’t have done that, but it’s understandable. You deal with your anger by being massively passive aggressive and she deals with it by shouting. Both are flawed.
You then put of your way to make it an ongoing situation by avoiding her. I love my sister to death, she’s my favourite person in the world and sometimes we really irritate each other. Instead of falling out forever, we take some space, calm down, and either say sorry or just decide we love each more.
TLDR: Don’t let this be the end of it forever when she is the kind of sister who clearly loves and cares about you.
Limit contact with your mom too.
L was an ass to you, you’re being civil to her, L is being cold to your mom for unknown reasons, so your mom is furious at you because…? Is L the Golden Child in your family? Are you the scapegoat? That’s what it sounds like is going on here.
There seems to be a lot of enmeshment here. You needed L to come with you and order the Uber, your mom needs you to ‘fix’ things with L so she can have a relationship with L, and you talked to your mom when L was actually in the same city. Moving forward, I’d call L out in the moment when she starts yelling or leave/hang up. She doesn’t get to rage at you, that’s a fair boundary to set. With your mom, tell her that L is her daughter and you aren’t in charge of L’s relationship with her. “Mom, your relationship with L is separate from my relationship with her. I will be civil to her but I’m not going to reach out to her because she’s hurting you to hurt me to get me to reach out to her. That’s not healthy and that’s what’s breaking the family apart, not me refusing to get yelled at by my sister.”
All of you are overreacting and being dramatic. All this because you needed help using an app. You are an adult and you shouldn’t blame your sister for being late. That’s on you, rather than try and talk it out at any point you’ve been avoiding the confrontation. You are an adult and should be able to talk this out with your sister. This isn’t the hill to die on.
I don’t agree with how your sister handled this, and she certainly shouldn’t have yelled at you. But you need to step out of your comfort zone at times – you should’ve figured out your ride to the meeting well before you were at risk of being late.
Lastly – you are not responsible for your mom’s happiness. You are allowed to have a difficult relationship with your sister. Your relationship with your sister is not there to satisfy your mom. You are an adult and you get to choose your own interactions with people. If your sister is being difficult with your mom, that’s for them to figure out. And, lastly (again lastly, I guess), your mom was not in the hospital because of your relationship with your sister.
The blatant emotional manipulation that your mom uses is unacceptable – or, it should be. Don’t tolerate it, be your own person, and try to figure out your relationship with your sister on your own. Your mom doesn’t get to make that decision for you.
Honestly, you keep blaming your sister for being late to the meeting because she didn’t help you get an uber and that you didn’t understand the different vehicle options.
The Uber app literally tells you what the difference is between the vehicle options (UberX, XL, ect). You could have just read it and picked an option. It shows you the price difference too.
You were late because you chose to rely on her even though you are a grown adult and have access to the answers literally at your fingertips.
You all seem completely ridiculous.