So I run into a problem that happens often enough that I should probably work on it. I often make comments that have people looking at me and saying “Why the hell would you say that?”. Now I do think I am a bit impulsive with my speech(I do have ADHD) and do catch myself later on and think to myself “why would I say that?” but in those cases, I’m never called out by others. However, in other cases(the ones where I am called out) I can’t understand why what I said was wrong.
A recent example, We have 4 months of summer for university and somebody I know decided to get a job in the last month of summer and I made a comment about that. I said: “You are looking for a job in the last month of summer?” and he replied “yeah, If only I didn’t waste most of this summer” to which another person said to me “you shouldn’t have said anything.” I don’t see how I said something wrong here because everybody(who was there) knows he did multiple classes this summer(so obviously not wasting it) and the comment wasn’t said in an aggressive or malicious tone, but rather out of curiosity. He was the one who said he was looking for a summer job.
Another example was this person was going around telling everyone that business was tough and so on my way to pick up something I bought up the topic. Said, “I heard the business was rough and you guys are shutting down?”(another important thing to note, is I was picking up products for the family business and this would be valuable info for me to know as the person to manage our supplies and order stuff) Well, my coworker said to me after we walked out “I can’t believe you said that”.
The issue in both of these cases was not apparent to me and I still don’t see how I did wrong, but I’m assuming if I keep getting these comments then I must be doing something wrong. Maybe I’m too blunt? If that is the issue, then how do I come to recognize these situations?
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When I only read the title I was about to defend you, saying that I think many people are too sensitive these days, but when I read your post I changed my mind lol.
So yeah, why would you say those things? In the first case (“you are looking for a job”) I’m genuinely wondering, what was the intention of your question?
For the second one, it’s obvious to me that that’s a sensitive topic and I would’ve definitely approached it in another way. If it was about supplies, you could’ve said just that, e.g. “I know it’s a sensitive topic, but I need to deal with the supplies, so could you tell me..”
The first example makes zero sense to me. The second one .. well, that doesn’t have anything to do with adhd or anything. It’s just rude. I don’t know how to explain to you why you shouldn’t say that. It’s like me writing here: “So I hear you’re having trouble being a decent human being and you’ll never fit in anywhere.”
Since you say you still don’t see how you did wrong, it doesn’t seem to be an Impulsivity problem either, but rather a lack of empathy.
The first example doesn’t make much sense to me but I think the person who said “you shouldn’t have said anything” was being too sensitive.
The second example was maybe a little bit too bold. You jumped to the conclusion that it might be shutting down.
My guess is you are coming across as judgmental. This is clearest with your first example. Your question can easily read as “are you stupid, that you can’t even count the months left?” Though that’s not how you intended it, I believe that is how your friend took it, because his reply was to joke about how he wasted the summer, when you both know that’s not true. That’s a way that socially-skilled people defuse insults, a gentle way to remind you that they are not stupid, and have already considered the timing, and there were reasons they have not gotten a job before.
Broadly speaking, when you are questioning someone about their life, you need to be careful with the possibility that you sound like you’re questioning their judgment, skill, ability, etc.
As someone who has the same issue, one thing I would do is to ask those people *why* they found it offensive. Unfortunately in many cases, I’ve gotten malformed responses that only confuse me even more.
In practice, this means that I have to keep quiet in most social settings.
I don’t think you have ADHD. I think you’re gifted. One of the traits of a gifted person is you can say things that are completely normal in your mind, but it sets a normal in discomfort. Also one of the traits is you have hard time connecting with people. Another traits is sometimes you feel stupid amongst other people as your brain takes longer to process the large amount of information.
And yes, this all can look like ADHD or ADD, but also autistic.
Could it be the tone, how you sounded when you said it instead of what you said?
I think your thinking to much into it
Hmm. So I’m curious if you’ve also been evaluated for autism. I’m both so I don’t always know which is which but this doesn’t sound like empathy. It’s a communication issue. Maybe check out some autistic advocates on this communication issue. Neuroclastic is a good website or look up the actuallyautistic hashtag.
I think more communication is necessary from all parties. To me it sounds like they all feel judged from you. This is something you should take into account and like others said, try to work on your empathy if that is in fact the issue.
But I also think people are so afraid of judgment that they react badly to anything that sounds like it, which is toxic as well and something *they* need to work on.
The reality is everyone is responsible for their own emotions and how they respond to things, they could have just as easily asked you if you meant it in a judgmental way or what you meant by asking that.
This works out for everyone because it shows true intentions. If you know exactly what you’re doing and aim to hurt people by what you’re saying and start gaslighting, most people will recognize this.
But if you’re really asking just because you’re trying to engage in conversation or genuinely curious or because it effects you in a way, that will come across pretty obviously too when you explain.
I think the problem (which is honestly that much of a problem) is the “you”, which seems a little directive. So i think that instead of stating what HE did, be interested in the “why” he did it. Example: “oh that’s interesting, any reason you looked for a job at the end of summer?”