My bf(27) and I (28) have been together for about 4 years, never lived together and we’ve been in LDR for more than 2 years.
We love each other so much and always used to talk about marriage (before he moved to a different country)
I recently moved to another country too, each of us have their own life, I noticed that we stopped talking about marriage or any long term goals. We had the talk a couple of months ago, he said that he won’t be financially ready until another few years (uncertain how many years)
I tried to find solutions for him, he simply wanted to sort out things by himself.
I’ve been recently feeling that we’re getting distant, and we’re not as close or affectionate like we used to be on the first couple of years together.
I talked to him again yesterday, again he said that he doesn’t know when he’ll be ready.
He also said he wants kids, so I told him that by the time he’ll be ready, I may not be able to have kids (I’ll be in my late 30s), he didn’t say anything, and kept saying that he doesn’t know when.
I love him and I want to marry him, I’m not ready too right now since I’ve just started a new job, but I was willing to commit if at least we had a plan. I don’t want someone else, and I only want to have kids because I love him and want his kids, not for the sake of having kids.
I don’t wanna look like I’m always their at the shelf for when he’s ready, I keep thinking that what if I waited and then he broke up with me or wanted to marry someone younger and have a big family, I’m strong and independent, I value myself and I don’t wanna be an option, but I also keep telling myself that he’s doing that for me and for our kids to have a good life (financially)
I can’t stop overthinking, I can’t decide what to do, should I wait? And how much should I keep waiting? Should we take a break or just move on..
3 comments
It’s important to get as much of your life in order before getting married. But I have to ask – at 28, how much disorder is there?
You have to judge whether this is legitimate or just a stalling tactic. The surest way is to see if actions align with words. Is what he taking the steps that are consistent with his plans – and is he doing so with a sense of urgency? He knows you’re waiting – is he trying to hurry it along so he doesn’t lose you?
If his actions don’t align with his claims, or if there’s no sense of urgency, I suspect this is just a stall tactic.
Finally, I’m not a big believer in “taking a break”. All it does is hold you back while you “hope for the best”, which is a lousy life strategy. You have a life to live. Hopefully he wants to be in it and demonstrates that.
Good luck to you!
There’s no way I’d marry someone w/o living w then first for at least 4-5 years. I know myself well and living with me is not easy
I’m going for – he is leading you on.
You are 4 years together. He is old enough, as well as you, and you and him are able to support yourself (it seems to me).
! You don’t need to marry right away after getting engaged. You can be engaged for a year, even two or more before getting married. So, in my opinion, if he wanted to propose, he would.
! You don’t need to have kids immediately after getting married (nor ever).
There is a big possibility you are wasting your best years on him.
His reasons are, to me, an excuse. And men do use that reasons often as an excuse. You have been more than long enough in a relationship for him to know if you are the one he wants to be with or not, and a man who loves you would never risk losing you.