did i make the correct decision ? my self esteem is shattered

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Hello everyone , i hope what happened to me never happens to anyone

first of all i have never attempted to write here before i hope i dont break any rules

Second of all im sorry about the long post i guess im venting

so im a 25 years old male and my story date as far as i was 13 years old

its been 12 years since i am in love with my toxic best freind ,it happens we have been in an off and on relationship back in our teens years but not anymore

“we dont choose who we love ”

So this is my best freind and lives in another country , she comes with her family every summer and stays in our big house for like 2 months every year , (her father is my father best freind )

At first our relationship was so beautiful we were best friends and we did everything together , there were a lot of fun years and no toxicity , we were kids and life was simpler , i was truly vulnerable to her and she to me , we had our little secrets and we hid nothing from each other in short we were true souls mates

Now that we’ve gotten the fairytale bullshit out of the way , here is the toxic part , a few years back i started to notice some change in her , in winter she started texting less and in summer she started being more cold and distant , suddenly certain things i do bothers her and she dont shy away from experssing it , there is always fault of me somewhere , as if im not enough to be her friend , mind you we are not dating we are family so her high expectations of me are ridiculous and it always seems that her well beings and happiness depended on my behaviour , not gonna lie her words hurt when i try to lighten her mood and crack jokes and her response would be “grow up or youre boring and dull ugh ” my self esteem shatters when she says words like this for the simple fact i was and still am in love with her and so everythign she does affects me to unimaginable levels , the once confident man i was is a shadow of the past now , it came to a point where im so insecure i need to overthink every single step i take not to cause any distubance to her

Now mind you im a very prideful man , my dignity and self respect is everything and so 10 % of what she does or says to me would have been enough to cut ties if it was anyone else but she is family and im in love

So my reactions now to all of these attitude problems caused me to confront her about her behaviour and acknowledge that there is a problem in the relationship , she then gaslights me into thinking im being dramatic or too emotional or that she has nothign against me she simply is in a bad mood ‘(even though i see her acting her usual self with everyone else in the family and friends excpet me )

The abuse dosnt stop there in the moments i have a spine , and start acting cold toward her bullshti enough is enough she comes and fake apologizes but not before she gaslights me that i was also at fault so i end up apologizing more than her and then she shows her kind self for a couple of days unti she is sure im back i nher web and back to being interested in her and then she goes back to her toxic behaviour all over again

Mind you im the one that pays for alot of our dates with freinds and family and i am the one who end up being her emotional support whenever she has problem with other people that she loves to gossip and all of this is unappreciated

So after years of toxcity and fights and hurtful words we always ends up making up and becoming close again just for her to abuse me all over again

Sorry for the lack of details because they were no the main focus , here i come to the actual part i was meant to startt with

Fast forward to this year my dad died of cancer and as he was treated i was stressed she was home with us it was summer and one day i came to her for emotional support , in my mind despite her faults she is my bestie , i was distressed almost crying trying to vent for her and her reaction was that i m bringing her mood down and i should stop being so depressed and she judged me for me drinking (she is religious) SO I OPENED UP TO HER AND SHE JUDGED ME

we end up in a big fight and i just say it all that she is a narcissistic person she has no freinds and no one would like her if they knew her true self like i did , she kicked me out of the room verbally (yes it was our family house but it was hers and her parents room) and we didnt talk since until my father died of cancer

Anyways father dies 4 months later and (this was 7 months ago) , she was in her country and she texted me condolensces saying how she regreted our fight and that she knows she wasnt there for me when i needed her , for the first time in years she seemed genuine and vulnerable and a good freind and actually sorry and so i forgave her

she comes a month later and i was grieving and we had no fights and in fact the relationship was good everything was fine with her then she goes back to her country

now 3 weeks ago is where i see her again after months of texting , she is all hugs and i missed you but im still grieving and not in my best position

she goes out with the girls (freinds and cousins and my sister) and my sister then tells me that they spoke about me and she said that im bringing the mood down and im boring which crushed me

this was a week ago and so i was both shocked and also not surprised and in the past 7 days i acted cold towards her , at first she talked to me like usual and once she noticed im being cold she completely ignored my existance we dont talk anymore and she didnt even confron,t me about my change of behaviour towards her she simply dont care and this is why i came here to reddit

is she a narc ? did she ever care in the past and now lost all love ? am i delusional ?

so many times before i trigger her in some way and decides to be cold and never speak to me again without explanation despite my attempts , until i have to be on my knees begging to talk and then she either gaslight or after finally admiting there is a problem and we need to talk , she tells me she is sorry and was in a bad mood and i hit a nerve and then she FORGIVES ME and we can move on just for it to happen all over again

is it not toxic to neglect someone and ignore his total existence for the smallest of things , and not be adult about it and have a talk ? she did so many times i got used to it but no one did it to me before this way

so finally i ended up confronting her but this time so she dosnt gaslight me i did through text , i called her on all of her bullshit and that i used to love her so much but now she lost me for ever and i called her a bad person narcissist and toxic and despite all her flaws i will still love her and wish her happiness i just wont be there to share it

and SHE LOST IT she projected all of my insults on me saying im the selfish one without giving examples on how and why and she says when she dosnt speak to me the last few days she had her doubts about me being a jerk and i confirmed them with those texts and she says she is glad we will never speak again and that we were never close before and i can stick my FAKE wishing her happiness up my A\*\* and out of nowhere she says ill ROT IN HELL because im an atheiest and she is religious and in my whole life i thought she supported my belief and now i hear that she never did and secretly judged me for it and everything i did in the past years she view it as an evil person acts , now everything make sense she was fake all this time

so i kept thinking for hours about all the things ive done wrong and if there is a truth in what she says , i figured i can be selfish at times but i couldnt be a narcissist like she is deflecting because i genuinely care about her and others and i priorityze others over myself many times before plus no matter how arrogant and prideful i can be at times i know and i say it in public that im not better then others and im ordinary so i dont know what she is talking about

is she toxic ? did i dodge a bullet after all these years ? or am i the toxic one ?

tl;dr a gf who never supported me through anything including my father death and then deflects on me that i was the selfish person when i confronted her