We just broke up this week and I feel broken. I know everyone says this, but I thought I found my person. I’m in my mid 30s.. I’ve had different kinds of long term relationships. When I met him for the first time though, I really understood people who say “when you know you know.” I never faltered in that feeling throughout our time together. If anything it grew.
He’s had some trauma that I always knew about it. We discussed it during one of our many lengthy conversations when we were getting to know each other. He’d been alone for along time, but thought he was ready to navigate a relationship.
He seemed to ease in to our relationship smoothly. He initiated us spending time together just as much as I did. We went on trips, he encouraged me to keep stuff at his place, we met each other’s families. Before this week, I was spending probably 5 nights with him and we were talking every day. It was the most comfortable in the best way.
I will say that I’ve always struggled with anxiety. I present as very level headed and calm, but I over analyze to the point of making myself sick in private. He’s struggled with anxiety too. To add on to his anxiety, he’s been very candid about the amount of time he’s spent alone and some further trauma that added to him isolating himself. He’s told me how he has a hard time articulating feelings and that he’s learned to just “bury them deep and not think about it.” I told him I loved him for the first time almost two months ago.. told him how anxious it made me and how scared I was. He told me he loved me too and that he’d never be upset at me for something like that.. that he struggles with talking about feelings too because of the aforementioned reasons.
What started as a please tell me what’s wrong conversation ended up resulting in a break up. I could tell something was off and I pushed it. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but the anxiety was eating me alive. Something just felt a little off, but I really genuinely thought it wasn’t related to me. I just wanted to talk about it because I felt like my partner was struggling and it was starting to affect me. He just completely shut down. I think ultimately I got less than 20 words total from him. We broke up because I asked if he wanted to and he said yes. I can’t remember what prompted him on this, but he also told me I didn’t do anything wrong, that it’s not me. He’s just so use to being alone and he thought he was ready for a relationship, but he’s not. I still don’t feel like I understand or know what’s going on.
I know people use the it’s not you, it’s me when they want to let someone down easily, but this just feels more complicated than that. I don’t know how to approach a conversation that will make him feel more comfortable, but I want to be able to talk more. It feels like I’m being tossed to the side with no explanation. I know people on here will probably say he gave me one, he doesn’t want to be with me, but I deserve more than that. I spent a year of my life loving him, feeling like he loved me, spending almost all of our time together.
More than anything, if he’s being truthful, I want to support him. If we love each other, I want to forge a path forward that includes both of us. I’m willing to give him space, be patient with him as he tries to figure out how to navigate this. I want him to know that he’s deserving of love. It feels like he’s running away because being alone seems easier since that’s what he knows.
I’m trying to give him space and haven’t reached out since this happened (although it’s only been a couple of days). I worry about him constantly. I’ve been trying to find a way to have a conversation with him where he feels comfortable and safe enough to open up a bit, but I’m really struggling.
3 comments
Hey,
I’m going through the ends of something similar with someone very important to me. I don’t have any advice per se, but I can offer the resolutions I’ve settled on.
The biggest one I’ve determined is that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. And at some point, no matter how much it hurts, you need a boundary, and to put living your life first & foremost.
It eats me alive that I can’t help them. That I’m not being given the opportunity to be the safe space for him, even though I’ve been told how I’m healthy, grounding & supportive. But I can’t make them do anything, and they’re choosing to run away. I tried waiting, listening and giving them space, but it didn’t change the fact they they had already chosen to run away from everything I represented. Because it wasn’t about me – it was about whether or not they felt they deserved love and support. And despite their anxiety and depression, they didn’t feel like they could cope or accept that. Caring for someone for who they were rather than what they provided was terrifying for them, and they couldn’t trust operating outside of a transactional basis.
All I can do is think of them with gratitude, hope they’re living their best, and leave the door open if it doesn’t hurt me. Make it as safe as possible to reach out: and then go. Start living your life without them.
For me it hurts most days, and the pain resonates within my bones. I wake up most days thinking of them.
But it’s out of my control, so I work on refocusing on what’s in my control and living my life. I find fulfillment elsewhere, and continue to live up to my values as much as possible. I highly recommend therapy if you have the means to afford it.
There’s nothing you can do to help, if they don’t want to put the work in. There’s nothing you could have done. It’s so easy to run the highlight reel of mistakes and what ifs, but you showed him that he was worthy of love just for being him. And if he comes back, he’ll be coming back to a version of you that’s even more in love with yourself.
I’m so sorry my answer isn’t what you’re looking for.
I’m sorry but, have you ever told anyone it’s not you, it’s me? What were your feelings and thoughts like at that time?
Now…you were told that by someone you loved. Could it be possible he is feeling the same way/similarity like when you said that to someone? If that’s the case…what do you think you should do now?
This is not something you can fix for him. He has to do the work, and he’ll only do it if he wants to. It’s sucky, but having been him in several relationships, there was nothing my partner could have done to stop it. I had to do the work, and it took years.