I’ve just had my first son, and realised I’ve never thought that deeply about the mother/son relationship. What do you think are the most important aspects in your own relationship with your mother? What would you want her to do differently? What did she do well? I’d love to hear it from the son’s point of view.
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Nobody that either myself or my brother (or sister for that fact) ever dated anybody she approved of. She had this vision of, I don’t know, some type of perfect spouse for each of us. Ultimately, we’ve all been married 20+ years. So I’d call that pretty successful. But she never approved of or liked any of our spouses.
Never be to busy to pick up your child or talk to him.
Nothing. She put my name on her illegal business so she wouldn’t get arrested. And I had to bail myself out. So she can go to hell.
My mom can go to hell.
My mother insists that she tried her best everyday of her motherhood, till this day.
Reader, she did not. And that’s okay. She was human, everyday as well. I get it. Life happens, she had bad habits, bills to pay, too much to do and not enough time. Couple that with substance abuse and mental illness, and I’ve not only drawn you a picture but colored it in.
She is wonderful. She always was. A fighter, a scrapper. Mother and worker and cook and cleaner all with the above-mentioned troubles and distractions.
But she didn’t do her best. There were days she didn’t hardly try at all. Things said, actions done, that were not ‘us at our best’, as it were.
She can’t accept it, and it gets in the way today. She will refer to an event or argument from the past, and just be completely unaware that she was wrong, is still wrong, and bringing it up will only create conflict and paint her in a bad light. Sometimes, she criticizes family or friends, forgetting that those same criticisms leave out important relevant context that I FUCKING HAVE CAUSE I WAS THERE AND SOBER SO I REMEMBER.
*Ahem*.
TL:DR- You will make mistakes. You will feel bad about them. Own them. Feel bad. Learn, and admit you were wrong but you know better now. This will teach your children humility, and to accept new information can change their circumstance and opinions without violating their identity.
I wish my mom didn’t pressure me so early on in life that I need to be a successful genius who has to go to college at 16 years old and stuff. She doesn’t understand how much this fucked with my life. And I wish I can talk to her more about personal things. She says I can talk to her about anything but I feel like she was kind of controlling and this made me still to this day not very comfortable doing that. She also talks about me marrying someone and having grandkids like it’s her dream as well. She doesn’t ever listen to my point of view. I feel like I’ve been living her life; not mine.
Besides that, I love my mother but she’s not perfect by any sense.
I think that ALL moms should be there for the kids. Have some sort of relationship.
Moms should not do screwed up shit like calling the cops on their kids for some b.s reason.
I wish my mom was more understanding, she is also horrible at giving pep talks, me and my sister would agree. She always say that we should tell her everything that is bothering us but I know she wouldn’t empathize and will most likely judge us negatively.
Guide, inform, direct, explain.
Neither of my parents did either of those things, perhaps because they didn’t know how. I spent a great many decades getting the information that most parents give freely, from other adults because my parents either couldn’t be bothered, or didn’t know at all.
I don’t think my life was or is anything incredibly unusual but….
If you’re going to buy a house, learn how to maintain it. If you’re going to create a child, learn how to create an adult.
Reading the comments on this thread make me sad. I have always had a great relationship with my mom. She encouraged my interests, even if it wasn’t what was typical or popular. She wasn’t bothered when I came out and went to bat for me against homophobic family members.
She was a bit overprotective though. Even now she worries if I don’t message for a few days.
I wish she told me more of what happened to her. I can see she is in pain but she doesn’t want me to know. The thing is that although she thinks it would hurt me it would really help me understand why our childhood was like it was
>What do you think are the most important aspects in your own relationship with your mother?
I don’t actually know. I’m not sentimentally close with either of my parents to know what I find important in a relationship with my mother that differs much from a relationship with my friends. Obviously the basic things like respect and empathy, but I don’t know much else.
>What would you want her to do differently?
I definitely would have liked for her to not coddle the hell out of me. As I’m aware, this tends to happen especially to first borns, especially to first born sons, especially to first born black sons, where mothers overly baby them.
I very much understood that my mum was/is very protective of her kids; any good mother would be. Plus, my parents divorced when I was 10 and given that she was the primary custodian, she had a lot more on her plate. I have been aware of all that since then and appreciate that. But goddamn did it not do wonders for my social skills. I am now 24 and as much as I know that I need to seek new experiences and challenges and try to be a bit more outgoing – even though I did all that and then some at university – it all still scares me.
She definitely eased up when my sister was born. Probably recognised that all that wasn’t necessary. Seeing the liberties my sister was afforded at a younger age than I was was *quite* jarring. Though to this day they still butt heads 🤷♀️
Oh yeah, she also sometimes had quite the authoritarian, my way or the highway, the mother is always right kind of attitude. I’m still very much averse to most forms of debate, particularly with women who are passionate, because I preempt being yelled at out of nowhere. Now that I’m an adult, my mum now respects that I might have more of an informed opinion on things, but I still don’t engage her in conversation all that much. So yea, don’t do that.
>What did she do well?
Well, she prepared me for adulthood for the most part; she involved me in chores from early on and cooking from time to time. She helped me when I had financial trouble during university and explained things like saving. She was supportive of my hobbies growing up – drawing, maths, gaming, etc – and any of the several career aspirations I had from those as a result. What few friends I did have when I was young, she let me invite over and she made herself scarce. If you asked her why she said something or made a rule, for the most part, she would explain it and her reasoning. Among other things. For all her faults, she is a good parent.