How do i stop myself seeking validation in hook ups and exes everytime a serious dating situation goes wrong?

9 comments

1. Stop doing it for validation. Do it for the sex.

2. Why did you and your ex break up?

3. I’m there. I’m 37 and recently single. I have a pretty stressful, high demand job that usually has me working 40-60+ hours a week. I own a home and take care of everything that brings with it, especially a nice yard with lots of plants. I really don’t have a ton of time.

   I just make dating fit what I want. Just be straight with them, if you just wanna fuck, then say it. Yeah it’ll shrink your pool but the remaining are down and appreciate the honesty.

4. So it sounds to me that you have low self worth. I had to reparent myself and learn to self sooth ( I didn’t use sex as a coping strategy but I had others). I also had some issues during my childhood that I had to come to terms with (nothing bad but it was driving some behavior). At the end of the day I realized that I valued my own opinion of myself more than other peoples opinion of me. I still get very lonely sometimes but i meditate, validate myself, and make a goal to meet to get a sense of accomplishment and that reminds me that I’m pretty awesome

5. Have you ever taken a step back to really consider why your dates from OLD aren’t going past first dates? Who is doing the “dumping” here? You described these people as “serious contenders” which makes me inclined to believe that there is some information missing here.

   Anyway, I’d suggest self-love over calling the booty call or ex. Based on your post, I’d argue it is making everything worse. Good luck!

6. Are you an analytical person? Because you might enjoy understanding WHY you do it, via therapy, in order to stop. Having a full life doesn’t always equate having high self esteem.

7. The people I’ve met, and when I was this way in some ways, who do this external validation seeking are incredibly insecure. The best way to work through that is therapy. I have too much rejection sensitivity to reach out to an ex partner or hold onto a booty call so my only experience in this area was using people online as short term hits of validation at a certain point in my life. Ironically I felt 1000 times more lonely and insecure so I just stopped / deleted my dating apps to work on that which I’m still a work in progress however I feel a lot more secure than I did 6 years ago when I was a real mess.

8. You know you have a pattern of behavior, so it sounds like you need a new one. Imo, therapy will help. A plan that includes getting sexual fulfillment in some other way and emotional support from a non-romantic third party will probably go a long way toward breaking the pattern.

   As an example, in this this show Being Mary Jane, Mary Jane has issues herself, and keeps going back to an ex who is bad for her. In one episode, she agreed to meet up with the ex for a super late night meal (obviously, precursor to booty call). Before she left for the meal, she pulled out a vibrator to get herself off, then she prepared to go but delayed herself more by phoning a friend first to try to get talked out of it. Eventually she left to meet the ex. By the time she actually got to the diner to meet the ex, she had talked herself out of it entirely. It’s like she set up several layers/gateways between sex with the ex and herself, and in this case, it worked.

   A plan (like phone a friend, masturbation) is a good start in the short term. But long term, therapy will help you get to more insight into why you do what you do.

9. Saw the post history….

   Maybe focus on your future and not your past. Or accept that you miss your ex and go back to him.