My (21f) boyfriend (24m) and I have been living together for 1.5 years. We’ve been together for about 5 years. It’s mostly fine, except he has a dog I’m allergic to so I stay away from the kitchen and living room area for most of the day.
We live in a one bedroom apartment. So it’s bedroom, hallway, kitchen and living-room in the same room. It’s a small place.
So far, we didn’t really have a household chores split, other than he does the dishes and bedsheets, and I do the laundry. He often also cooks dinner and vacuums. But cleaning the shower and toilet, hallway, dusting, mopping, organising, etc. is done by me when I have time. That’s the problem — I don’t have time.
I work from home, 7 days a week, 8-12 hours a day. I have a day off every 3rd week or so. Is it healthy? Probably not. I also don’t make as much as I should, but it’s my only option at the moment, and I don’t want to quit my job.
He works away from home, 3 days a week, 8 hours. We split the bills.
Our apartment is not in the best shape. I also noticed that with time, he also stopped cleaning the sink and bathroom floor from his hair after cutting it, or cleaning the toaster after making toast, things like that which bothered me, but I have no idea how to bring it up.
I feel like I will come off as rude if I ask him to do more stuff around the house because I don’t have time, and because I’m not even in the living-room and kitchen 90% of the time. I don’t know how to do it.
What do you think is the best way to bring it up? Any advice will be appreciated.
Thanks!
Tl;dr: I work 7 days a week, bf works 3. Our apartment isn’t properly clean unless I clean it and I don’t have time. How do I ask him to take a more active part in cleaning and organising?
18 comments
>I feel like I will come off as rude if I ask him to do more stuff around the house because I don’t have time
He lives there too. It is NOT rude to ask for basic human consideration. Just tell him he needs to pick up the slack and if he doesn’t, or if he makes it YOUR fault for asking, you need to reconsider if this is really worth your time and energy.
I’m rather curious why your first instinct is “I’m going to come off as rude” and not “I deserve to live in a clean space and he needs to pull his weight here.”
Tell him you’re feeling overwhelmed and hoping he can help you to deal with things. Explain that with you working so much, you’ve noticed that a lot of the household chores are slipping on both of your parts, and you’re hoping you two could come up with ideas to keep your place nicer without you being even more overwhelmed.
He’s equally responsible for his share of the chores. Some of what he’s doing is just unhygienic. Since he works less, I’d say a chore chart is a good tool. Divide the chore so that maybe he does 60% and you do 40% of the work. Divide those tasks up. Have days they need to be completed by whether it’s weekly or daily, etc.
If he puts up a fuss, I’d say it’s time to rethink the relationship. He needs to be held just as accountable.
Why didn’t you talk about this before you moved in? You live TOGETHER in your shared home, so he has to clean it too
Please clean up after yourself you are a grown ass man!
Just be polite about it. It’s 100% ok to ask him to pick up the slack. People don’t like to be talked down to or criticized so avoid that like the plague even if they’re wrong. Just be nice and say “Hey, Steve would you be able to clean the bathroom this week. I noticed it needs to be wiped down/cleaned and I’m very busy this week and it would be a huge help”.
For the first time I am in a living situation where I can ask my partner to clean and not have it become a fight or a passive aggressive nightmare. But sometimes I still get nervous to ask.
It’s important to understand that people have different levels of what they consider to be “clean” or acceptable to live in.
For example, I like things a little tidier than my partner and so I am often the one to ask about / initiate cleaning.
I was a mail carrier working 70 hours a week with 1 day or less off every week. All I did when I got home was eat, shower and sleep. In my mind I assumed that my partner would just pick up my slack because I was working so much. But I did not communicate that to them, which wasn’t fair of me.
Have you tried to explain to your partner how you’re feeling? It may seem obvious to you but he won’t know unless you talk to him.
Good luck!
“Hey babe. I work 7/week and you work 3. Both our jobs are extremely valuable and important both to ourselves and to our lives together.
The fact is that I have far less free time with my (unchosen) work schedule. I’m asking you to review chores with me so we can ensure at the end of the week, we both end up with the same amount of free time. That may mean more chores or cleaning as you go for your side. Let me know when you want to discuss it this week”.
Please remember through this conversation that it isn’t actually normal to live the way your bf is living. Consider he got all the clear-cut chores and you have everything unnamed. See the issues that can cause. Consider he assumes the crumbs of life are yours to clean. That’s a bigger issue so just stay aware
Don’t ask, tell him how you’re feeling about the space. Tell him the current system is not working and that you need to sit down and work out a new system to try.
People are going to give you advice on how to ask but honestly? He’s 24. He knows how to clean up. He just doesn’t want to. Asking probably isn’t going to help. He’s not going to do it.
Edit: op it is very relevant for us to know that your visa depends on living with him. This doesn’t seem like a healthy setup at all.
only do the laundry, leave the rest for him
You don’t. You leave.
He wants a maid he can fuck
Just freaking tell him to be a man and clean up after himself. Otherwise he is being selfish and unhygienic,
Honestly, just ask. If it doesn’t work out is there any reason you can’t find accommodation elsewhere? Also, for your own sake you need to work 8 – 9 hours a day. I hope things work out for you.
Try not to stress it just make a joke out of it. “Hey man that sinks getting awfully nasty “… I wish I had time to clean it “. Or do some thing fun go get a microscope and a petri dish grow a culture and show all the nasty facts about fecal matter and other gross disgusting particles and bacteria that grow inside sinks and how there is one of the most filthiest things on earth. Some people can go for a long time without putting the toilet And just make it more convenient to clean it . Like spot cleaning it daily. Instead of making a giant gigantic chore that requires scrubbing pads and mask and gloves And being on your knees for half an hour.
When it comes to keeping your house clean, don’t ask for them to help. You tell them. Why would it be rude? He’s not your child, he’s not your superior either.
You don’t have to be rude, just say “hey, i just finished cleaning the living room and bedroom or whatever, (be quite specific of everything you did, like dusted the furniture, cleaned windows, washed the laundry, etc. So he listens to everything that was cleaned by you and it doesn’t get done twice), the bathroom and kitcken i left for you. Thanks!
Talk to him, he can’t read your mind, so if you want him to do his part you need to tell him. He’s disrespecting you by leaving his mess and expecting you to clean it up. When he leaves a mess again leave it just how he left it.
Those kind of attitudes come from how they were raised, he’s obviously been cleaned after by his mom or family.
Tell him if his hands/feet are working well he can do chores it’s no excuse.
Stop doing chores until he eventually gives in.
You should talk to his mom, did his mom teach him enough about chores, hold him responsible for it.
Both partners should be assisting in chairs it should be 30/70, 40/60 or 50/50 nothing lower that.
He should know that if the woman does a large majority of chores she’s gonna be more tired, exhausted, unappreciated and wiped out.