Long story short…
I had a major crush in college that lasted a year. We shared a ton of intimate details together. We were extremely close friends.
She said and did so many things that made me believe she felt the same way. We went out to dinners, bowling, movies… Yet she remained so distant. Would push my hand away when I went to hold her ha d. Wouldn’t let me walk close to her on sidewalks, ect.
I finally asked her out and… let’s say it didn’t end well. She told me “never to contact her again” and she became so mean and cold to me. It really crushed me for a long time.
So one day I was on Instagram (I don’t know why I torture myself). We still followed each other and a photograph showed up in my feed. She was kissing a guy after a 3 week relationship. How does that happen after only 3 weeks, when for over a year I couldn’t even hold hands??
Okay… not a problem right? Not everyone clicks. My problem is not that though. This happens every single time with me without a doubt. Where is starts out amazing. The girl is super attracted to me, great connection, but then slowly but surely they run away and I don’t know why.
It’s super frustrating. Discloser I’m 26 and have never been in a relationship. I’ve never taken a girl out on a date. I also take showers, 6′ tall, and get compliments from girls, but never leads anywhere. I’ve been rejected by hundreds of girls, and have probably asked out 30 being honest.
I wish I had the answer. It honestly sucks and I think I’m outgoing.
19 comments
The problem is likely that you’re too much of a pushover and you’re not assertive enough at the right time or maybe just talking to the wrong women. Honestly there’s no point in being friends with a woman that you’d want to date down the road. Make the move early on and if she rejects just move on, if she doesn’t accept your advances early on that’s never going to change, once you’re in the friendzone it’s time to move on Bc usually you’ll be stuck there.
Lesbian’s opinion coming in brutally honest:
>I had a major crush in college that lasted a year. We shared a ton of intimate details together. We were extremely close friends.
Do not become close friends with someone if you’re only interested in having a relationship with them. It’s intimacy under false pretenses, which can make people feel manipulated and used.
>She said and did so many things that made me believe she felt the same way. We went out to dinners, bowling, movies…
I do these things with friends all the time. Platonically. In no way does doing these things signal interest.
>Yet she remained so distant. Would push my hand away when I went to hold her ha d. Wouldn’t let me walk close to her on sidewalks, ect.
These are clear signals of NOT being interested in a physical/romantic relationship. Do NOT violate her boundaries by pushing for more!
>I finally asked her out and… let’s say it didn’t end well.
Ofcourse not. It was clear she wasn’t interested. In no way did she reciprocate your advances before. You demonstrated your inability to read the room and respect her boundaries. This would make most women feel extremely uncomfortable at best, unsafe at worst.
>She told me “never to contact her again” and she became so mean and cold to me.
You made your “close friend” so deeply uncomfortable by your insistent advances that she felt it necessary to cut all ties with you. People don’t do drastic things like that for giggles. From her perspective, you were likely (yet another) guy who faked a friendship in an attempt to get into her pants, who didn’t seem to take no for an answer. You didn’t treat her with respect, so why should she still act warm and friendly towards you?
>It really crushed me for a long time. So one day I was on Instagram (I don’t know why I torture myself). (…) She was kissing a guy after a 3 week relationship. How does that happen after only 3 weeks, when for over a year I couldn’t even hold hands??
Please reflect on your role in this dynamic without defaulting to a nice guy victim mentality. I get the impression that you’ve violated her boundaries and feel like the consequence of her cutting ties with you is “unjustified”. I get the impression that you feel like you’re entitled to her romantic interest and physical affection because you were her “close friend” for a year.
>This happens every single time with me without a doubt. Where is starts out amazing. The girl is super attracted to me, great connection, but then slowly but surely they run away and I don’t know why.
The common denominator is you. Reflect inward. Do not blame *hundreds* of individual women for the fact that you are frequently rejected. Your behaviour is likely the constant factor in this equation which is turning these women off.
Do you flirt at all and make it known you want to go out on a date or are these just “hangouts”? Are you a pushover and go along with everything or do you have your own opinions about things? You’re saying you get hit on a lot, are you talking to any of these girls and trying to date or do YOU put them in a friend zone and slowly try to date them afterwards?
DUDE. She was kissing a guy after three weeks because she was interested in him romantically. She was NOT interested in you romantically. If she was, she wouldn’t have pushed your hand away. She was SHOWING you that she didn’t want the same kind of relationship as you, and you COMPLETELY ignored her. She thought your were close friends. She set boundaries. You continually pushed them. THAT’S why she stopped being your friend when you asked her out. I think you’re mistaking normal kindness and courtesy for being “super attracted” to you. Ignore the joker telling you you’re not assertive enough. 🙄 You ALREADY doing way to pushy.
Cause she’s actually attracted to the other individual in a romantic way and she isn’t with you- at all. If you like someone in a romantic way don’t be buddy buddy with them.
I’ll gonna give you some advice here man .
Stop trying to force things and trying to be in a relationship. It will reek of desperation and you are chasing girls off .
You can continue arguing with the people below but to be honest they’ll just tell you , mostly women, “oh we want make friends and it’s so hard to find them, cause they want to only have sex”
It’s no use in arguing with them. Cause guess what the point in being in an intimate relationship is to have sex at some point with your partner. I hope people out there aren’t just having sex with all their friends for crying out loud lol. Anyways cutting back into the point .
1) if you stay too long being friends with a girl , she is going to friend zone you. Doesn’t matter , you can be the most attentive guy offer her the world and what not and they will say “wow I want a guy like him , but not him. “ so do yourself a favor if you are getting to know a girl ask her out sooner then later stop stalling yourself cause after a certain point you will stop being dating potential and start being only a “friend and therapist.”
2) If things are going well already take that step to ask her out , if she doesn’t feel back the same way just drop everything . You don’t owe her anything. You don’t owe her your time, your resources or anything .
A lot of people will say “wow you were only just wanting to have sex with me or use me. “ no that’s not the case. You just stop investing your resources on a dried up well. And for those saying it scummy I’m sorry but it’s not . I personally don’t want to be put in a position where the person I like(d) starts telling me oh he cheated on me or oh he treats me so bad. I’m not a therapist, go take that to your couples counselor or a therapist.
3) stop putting women on a pedestal and stop showing your hand . What I mean is this don’t ever put a girl above you. I’ve done this way to many times and as soon as I do they do a 180 and start to go with other guys . Have a bit of mystery to yourself . Like oh are you seeing another woman say something like “of course I am , I saw a bunch of women on my way to see you. “ kind of a playful banter which can mean either 1) you are being intimate with a lot of women , or 2) you literally saw a bunch of women on your way there. Regardless it’s playful but a bit mysterious. I do want to say it doesn’t work all the time so up to you.
Also don’t tell them your whole life story . They don’t honesty care if you have mommy or daddy issues.
4) let them go. If they are not interested in you , be fine with it. Go find someone else. Clingy is only cute when a woman does it but when a man does it , it looks obsessive , possessive and creepy . You don’t want that . Even though many people don’t want to admit men are suppose to be a strong foundation for a relationship. Would you feel secure knowing a man might say “I can’t live without you. “ no you wouldn’t . I would rather here “I want to live with you but I can live without you more easily. “
I’ll finish with this man . You are 26 man you are about to hit your 30s a primeage for men to have more fun and get where you just don’t give a fuck as much as you did in your 20s trust me man I’m 26 same as you and tbh I’ve had more women interested in me now that I don’t give a fuck rather then when I was “caring , nice” , all these other bullshit to was told. Just sit back , focus on you and take no for an answer instead of whining about it . Do something about your mentality and your physical appearance. Go to the gym , seek a therapist or counselor and realize sometimes the problem is you , sometimes the problem is other people but you can only change and better yourself . If those girls do come back then fucken them( figuratively) . Ignore them and move on. I’ll say it as nice as possible , if you weren’t their first choice then you won’t be their first choice now so seek someone else who sees value in you. But first value yourself mate good luck
>Would push my hand away when I went to hold her ha d. Wouldn’t let me walk close to her on sidewalks, ect.
>
>I finally asked her out and… let’s say it didn’t end well. She told me “never to contact her again” and she became so mean and cold to me. It really crushed me for a long time.
That sounds as though you thought of it as a date but she did not, and that it followed a string of her rejecting your physical advances.
>She said and did so many things that made me believe she felt the same way. We went out to dinners, bowling, movies… Yet she remained so distant.
Friends do those things… you were mistaking her liking you as a person as liking you as a partner. When she rejected your advances that should have been the signal that she’s not interested in you in that way.
You really should read peoples comments here. I’m really glad I read your clarifications because I was about to give you the benefit of the doubt.
She’s not interested, and never will be again. That’s the cold hard fact you need to accept. You’ve detailed this in your clarifications more times than you realize I suspect, you’re giving yourself justification and reasons to keep her on your radar.
I won’t say that you’re a bad guy, but you definitely aren’t the guy for her. Let this be a lesson to you that this is a boundary you need to set with someone you feel you may be attracted to or interested in. Women here have been saying this, but therapy will definitely help you navigate yourself so you can no longer wonder why women don’t approach you and how you can make that happen.
Or just dismiss everything being said here and try to justify it. Our answers really won’t change no matter how much context is given. Above all else, I do wish you the best
Go out and make some big F BanK. Hire a stylist, buy a sexy ass porche and vacation the hot spots around the globe. You’ll have them sniffing you out everyday, they’ll love you long time.
Women are picky bro. They like alpha males usually.
Dude sounds like you may have a similar problem to me and may turn her off from the idea of a romantic relationship by being too available and just giving without reciprocation. The hand holding and kiss thing for example, she isn’t a idiot, she knows how you felt a certain way about her but she didn’t want to reciprocate because she decided that you were good enough to let you take her out but not enough to give you the time of day.
Do you treat her like the latest and greatest thing? Don’t put her on a pedestal. Do you always respond to texts right away? Don’t, if you’re busy let her wait and don’t double text and cone off clingy. Not to say that you do this it just an example.
But asking 30 out isn’t a bad start, but if you want to get numb to the rejection you are gonna have to ask a lot more.
Now onto the social media and contact thing, CUT HER OFF. From this point on she means nothing to you, you like a picture on Facebook or Instagram unlike it. She took advantage of you so you could take her out while she knowingly friendzoned you, but she let you think you had a shot. This says a lot about her character, so if she uses you never give her the time of day again. Furthermore recognize your worth, never invest heavily without reciprocation that satisfies your needs, and if you suspect she is keeping her options open then treat her like a after thought.
Just don’t get to negative or frustrated, there are good women out there. It’s just time to sort the good from the bad, and work on yourself so you minimize and manage your risk. Just focus on your thing, and if she ever does reach (99.99% chance she won’t) leave it unread. Done.
I am a woman and as a woman I can honestly tell you she didn’t want you like that. You were something to do and the attention probably made her feel good but she did NOT want you. It’s that simple. She. Did. Not. Want. You. I want you to take every word she said to you about wanting you, and finding you attractive and throw it out. At the very most she lied to you and at the very least she lied to you. And if every relationship you have is like this, you need to reevaluate the type of woman you’re into.
“THE answer” does not exist. Different approaches will work for different girls and you as a person will only be attractive to a certain subset of them. Accept that you will continue to be rejected and have your heart broken. The important thing is to keep trying.
I read some of your other comments and it seems you’re quite uncomfortable with physical intimacy with women, yet you’re jealous of the guy who got to kiss your friend. That indicates to me that you want physicality but you’re afraid of intimacy with women. That fear is most likely coming off in body language and interactions. No one is attracted to someone who is afraid of them.
You need to have the courage to communicate honestly about what you really want. When you have feelings, tell your interests that you see them as more than a friend and why you like them. You will still get rejected but at least you’re were honest and you didn’t waste time chasing a fantasy relationship in your head.
” Would push my hand away when I went to hold her hand. Wouldn’t let me walk close to her on sidewalks”.
Man needs to learn some social Que’s on human behaviour.
Improve your social skills through practice and just having friends.
Your mind is unattractive. It reeks of neediness and insecurities that push women away.
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Alast you need to focus on yourself and stop caring about the outcome of dating.
keep shooting your shot. you’ll find someone. Just keep at it, they aint the only one
I strongly suspect her version of this story would be immensely different.
If you wish to date someone, be direct about it. If you let a friendship develop then accept and enjoy that relationship.
Therapy and introspection are the way forward. Not internet advice; especially as it seems that you are looking for advice to validate yourself
Because they are not good people
What you should do is: flirt a bit, see if they flirt back. If they do, ask them out on a date, making it clear that it’s a date.
Then you can figure out pretty early if the person has a romantic interest in you or just a friendship interest. And if they do have a romantic interest, not asking them out will make them less interested.
What you shouldn’t do: ignore signs. When someone pushes your hand away, won’t let you walk close to them. Then there is no point in asking that person out. Bc they are telling you: not attracted to you.
You might just come off awkward as fuck, it’s hard to say we have no idea how you act. If you are being rejected so much it might be time for some self reflection about how you interact with women.