I’m feeling absolutely awful and guilty for doing this . My ex moved out but we decided to take a break and eventually try to make things work. I gave her space but every time I wanted to talk she was short and distant and sometimes would just ignore me. We didn’t set any ground rules for the break. So I was feeling low and downloaded tinder and then deleted it because it felt wrong. Of course a week later my exes friend sends my profile to her and she’s blowing up my phone and pissed at me.
before this conversation, I pretty much said I want it to work out and she said she can only be by herself right now. I respected her needs and now it looks really bad on me that she found this out.
I’m feeling awful, and I do still want her in my life I just don’t know what to do.
TLDR: got tinder, felt guilty about it. Ex found out and is upset with me. I feel guilty and want her back
16 comments
You aren’t together and breaks are dumb. You don’t just “take a break” from a relationship, you just break up because obviously things are not working and you shouldn’t be together.
You have no reason to feel guilty, and your not-girlfriend shouldn’t be giving you shit for trying to meet other people BECAUSE YOU ARE SINGLE AND NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP.
Breaks don’t work. Breaks *cannot* work, for any problem that is intrinsic to a relationship, or to one of the people in it.
Any issue worth “taking a break” over is either fixable and important enough for both people to buckle down and worth through *together*, or *not* fixable, and important enough to break up outright over.
All taking a break in such a situation *ever* does is prolong the eventual misery by making Future You have to deal with the pain and heartache that Today You should have taken care of.
All of that said: you cannot have a relationship with someone who does not want to have one with *you*.
So the fact that you want her back, and $5, will get you a coffee at Starbucks, but that’s about it. If she doesn’t want to have a relationship with you, whether because you downloaded tinder while you were “on a break”, or for any other reason (or for no reason at all), you don’t get a vote.
>My ex moved out but we decided to take a break and eventually try to make things work.
Lol we are trying to make things work as we actively try and make things not work. Your sentence contradicts itself.
>she said she can only be by herself right now.
Sorry this sounds like a break up to me
> I respected her needs and now it looks really bad on me that she found this out.
How does it look bad? She moved out and broke up with you and you are starting to move on.
You guys broke up. You’re free to do what you want. If she doesn’t like it, she shouldn’t have left. This isn’t the reason you broke up, breaks never work out anyway. There were clearly other issues way before you got Tinder.
All you have to do is send her one last message saying you love(like?) her, you want to be with her, and to let you know if she changes her mind. Then absolutely ghost her. Let her live life without you and see which one she likes better. Don’t beg and follow her around and be pathetic. Tell her what you want and then go live your life. Date other people. If she doesn’t like it, she knows what to do.
I don’t get why she’s upset? Like… What were you supposed to do? Waiting for her until she comes crawling back? Nah. You were broken up and did nothing wrong by downloading a dating app and moving on.
There’s no such thing as “breaks” in a relationship, it’s just a made up term to justify anything done during that period. It can only be a break for the person asking for the break, for the other person is a break up, unless there are very specific rules laid out in the open.
Your girl was leading you on until she found someone better, she hasn’t and is upset you are not some docile fallback guy. Well, maybe you are and she just thinks you’re not.
If you wanted to make it work, you wouldn’t have downloaded tinder in the first place. That being said, you guys sound like you broke up, and being on tinder was not morally wrong.
You were broken up, she made it very clear that break was meant to be permanent. Ditch the unnecessary guilt, block her and move on, you didn’t do anything wrong and those post break-up games are always a waste of time. Save your energy x
The story is over anyways. Use Tinder, date other girls, don’t give a fuck.
If you think for a second that your girlfriend saying that she needs a break, and moved out, and she’s not seeing other dudes, you’re delusional. Take the break that she asked for and date other women.
Tell her that she wanted her space and since you were on a break that you were getting ready to move on since it appears that she is.
idk why all the comments are against breaks. they can work if theres communication and mutual understanding. diff things work for diff people. however she didnt communicate, and there was no understanding. downloading tinder wasnt the best move but it wasnt wrong. She said she needed to be by herself. you cant monopolize a person while also needed to be alone. the two cant coexist in a healthy way. Maybe you guys should jus end it. if its meant to be yall will meet again some way or another
Oh the whole “come here, go away” game. That ends in her telling you she’s in another relationship, and has been for a time while leading you on.
Been there. It sucks.
Honestly she has no right to be angry. A break …usually it’s a safety net trap.. you were her safety net. Who knows what she must have done behind your back? Do you have any person spying her? No right? The one who wants a break first usually sees the other person as a safety net. If things don’t work out secretly with other person she could’ve bounced back.
Just my opinion
She really did want a safety net. A break is just an excuse of saying that i could do better. But that you amde an account and showed signs of moving on …she is pissed because she lost her safety bounce back option… LOL
I just lived through this scenario, and it’s painful. Each individual situation is unique, and as such I felt that since we had almost 8 years together it seemed wroth holding on to. All that did was make it 10 times more painful. There is a lot of good advice here that folks have given you. Take it. Then don’t look back. Life is never NOT NOW…if we don’t live in the present, we aren’t living. For awhile, look not right nor left – only forward. Just keep moving forward. Promise if you do this, that vulnerability you showed her will return, and from a state of vulnerability LOVE can then arise in your field of awareness…it’ll happen. The Creator of this Cosmos is always with you, it’s inside each and every one of us. Lean into that. Best of luck to you, and always know your worth.