34 F, dating in major metropolitan area. I’m in a dating-related mental predicament that is so frustrating, I would love anyone’s input who has been through a similar mental battle!
I have an incredibly strong intuition. It has rarely served me wrong. But also, I have high anxiety. My anxiety causes me to act or react unnecessarily. My intuition just tells me how it is.
Now… this is when it gets kind of muddled. When I go on a decent date, nice conversation, the guy kisses me goodnight, we make out, he texts me something bland and ambiguous after etc., there are many times I just know I won’t see the guy again – that he has no interest in seeing me again. Even if I’m open to seeing him again, I feel I already know how it will play out. No spark, that the kiss was just to see if I’d let him upstairs that night. I’m usually right. At this juncture I either wait for things to play out (which causes me obstructively high anxiety) or make things play out by saying what I know.
So the waiting period when I know I had a good time but the guy doesn’t want to see me again causes me nearly unbearable anxiety. Why? Anxious attachment? I’ve literally been silent and all that would happen is the guy is silent too while I’m just sitting in this difficult anxiety. Even though what’s the difference – I know he doesn’t want to see me again – but for some reason I feel I need the finality. I know it’s maybe crazy, it’s a first date why would I care… i can’t answer these things. Neurosis, masochism, anxiety, ego?
What I’m struggling with is not saying the MOST when I had a pleasant time, would be open to seeing the prsn again, but know intuitively they don’t – and then get this wound up anxious feeling. Usually I’d say something like “so are we going to see each other again?” I which is eh, begging the question… when they say no – it leaves me feeling like, “I already knew that why am I a masochist…” or last time I said “I guess this is when we agree it was a pleasant evening but no spark” to which they replied “hahaha I’m glad we’re on the same page.” Each time i cojld have said nothing with the same result if only I could sit with the anxiety. I’m a rational prsn, I also know that by acting here I help create the outcome.
I care too much about something I should have little investment in (first date), and then I can’t sit with whatever my intuition tells me without then needing to act on it. Either I distrust it (are we going to see eachother again?) or my ego and anxiety needs to act on it (we had no spark- beat you to it) or I sit in uncomfortableness. What I should do is not and be uncomfortable. But sometimes that feels nearly impossible for me.
I need tips on how to understand and trust my my intuition without acting on my ego or anxiety (when faced with rejection). what diff does it make if same result? I mean – ok I’m just going to zip it. I know I over think. I really want a relationship and I feel like there is some important lesson here for me. I also feel like I need help orienting my thoughts.
PS You can say me knowing rejection is imaginary, but my intuition is just on point. I know when I’ll hear from someone for a second date too and don’t stress it in those cases.
TLDR: i feel anxious dating.
3 comments
reduce your anxiety generally, all else may fall into place
**anxiety prevention tip:**
I think you’d likely benefit from practising ‘quiet times’ of 20-30 minutes of just sitting and Not dwelling on anything (a form of meditation). Very difficult at first (I needed to watch a DVD of nature scenes / a fireplace as an anchor/distraction to keep my mind from wandering). youtube has lots of fireplace videos. Others intone ‘mantras’ or focus on breathing.
There are several benefits: better sleep, easier days (upsets do not hit nearly as hard), and I think that likely after practising “not dwelling” on anything, you’ll have better control of your thoughts and acquire the ability to ‘turn off’ your anxiety reaction to situations.
At first doing this daily should work best. After awhile, only as needed. I’ve been doing this for about two decades and lately have only felt an urge to do it a half dozen days of the year.
A useful lesser calming practice is to do housework routines for say five minutes at a slower (70-80% rate) pace — a form of ‘walking meditation’, which you may find similarly soul refreshing.
I feel that same way!
What’s helped me is to stop taking things personal and stop placing expectations on people. I also recommend dating a few people at once so you don’t get attached to one person.
It’s completely normal and expected to get rejected/ not feel a spark with the majority of people you date- don’t be hard on yourself! 🙂
I say always trust your intuition. I find that every time I act against it, I end up regretting it.
You probably need a better way to capture and reward yourself when you ARE able to do this behavior. It is difficult for you and causes pain, and currently what do you get in return? Another day, another date, and you’re back in the same situation.
Every time you successfully resist this urge to “check” or to “beat them to the punch,” write it down in a way you can flip through later. You should be able to say how many times you did it in a month.
And I can’t quite tell from your language, but it sounds like MAYBE you’re sending some of these “hey we both know there was no spark” texts to people you’d actually LIKE to see again? In which case, definitely don’t do that! And also, write it down whenever you resist the urge to do that.
I recommend bullet journaling trackers as a way to record these various victories.