My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years now. We started dating during COVID. Our lives are just back to “normal” after the pandemic. We’re both quite shy and reserved but really enjoy each other’s company. You don’t argue much, but I am incredibly defensive when she is hurt. I need to learn how to stop this but I am looking for some thoughts from you, Reddit.
Over the past few months, this issue has been growing bigger and bigger. There are multiple arguments in the past where she is hurt from a comment or an action, but my first instinct is to clear up the situation by defending or justifying what I did. By doing so, she feels that her feelings are disregarded and that I am only defending for myself. I really care for her and want her to feel happy.
An example of this is…
We went to a restaurant with a few of my friends and their partners. I asked all the boys if they wanted a shot, but I did not ask my girlfriend or my friend’s girlfriends if they wanted one as well. As a joke the girlfriends said, “what about us?” I knew it was a joke but I felt really bad but my girlfriend push the joke more. I looked at her and said, “why don’t you and the girls pick a drink out for yourselves too?”
Later that day she tells me that she was very upset that I reacted in that way for a simple joke. I felt like I was joking as well but I can see why she was hurt. I tried to justify myself to clear up the confusion. She got quite upset and said it’s better to provide positive reinforcement instead of defending.
Now, this is one of several examples where smaller actions were words amount to her being upset. I understand that it may not seem so serious with this example, but I always end up defending myself, which leads to her feeling abandoned and not appreciated.
TL;DR: I am defensive whenever my girlfriend is hurt. Instead of consoling her, I justify my actions to clarify what happened. It has happened so many times that she is hurt and I feel burnt out. Trying to understand why I am like this or what I can do to avoid this situation.
Thank you!
2 comments
Ah, ok, classic mistake. Here’s how to fix it. You explaining isn’t what she needs right away. What she needs from you is just to show you understand. Once you show you understand, if she wants an explanation, usually people will ask, but often just showing you understand that it hurt her, and you feel bad for hurting her, is all she needs. Think about it, no ones going to value your solution if you don’t show you understand the problem. So explaining what you did (offering a “solution”), doesn’t matter if you don’t show first you understand why it hurt (the problem).
It is odd to me that you would just offer for the guys, what is the reasoning? Did you not think it was wrong to exclude people from your gesture just because of their gender? Based off the reaction from the women, does not sound like your group has a (men buy for men and women for women) standard or something.
It is odd you would think the reaction of “what about us?” is a joke. It is like you do not take them as seriously. Unless I am missing something and have a terrible sense of humor. If so, please explain how this was a joke, OR how your response was.
Maybe next time, either offer for everyone and not just a select few. If someone does say something or bring up a question like that, maybe take them seriously? At that point you could have apologized and offered for everyone.
Your GF is right, you seem to immediately stop listening to what she is saying and get defensive. It is okay to realize you did something wrong and learn from it.