Our therapist suggested we consider and “alternative relationship”.

27 comments

1. I work with individuals with marital issues and what I know is that the number 1 secret sauce to a healthy relationship is empathy. To be in the shoes of the other person and feel what they feel.

   Can you do this with your husband? It sounds like he is committed to you and is sexually attracted to you. You can marry your best friend but it doesn’t mean you should!

   Sexually compatibility is a big tick when it comes to a healthy marriage. Let me know if that gave you any insights.

2. I couldn’t do it. And I have also discovered that being married to my best friend just isn’t enough. But maybe it is for you. And that’s great. I know that there is no right or wrong way to be married if the arrangement is agreed upon by everyone involved.

3. As someone who is NOT in a committed non-monogamous relationship, I think this may be a great idea if you think you both can maintain emotional intimacy together and stay bonded with clear rules. My only concern is that as a man he may become emotionally attached if he becomes sexually active consistently with a specific person. This could erode your relationship and you both have to consider that as a possibility. Do what feels right and keep in constant communication.

4. The therapist was suggesting something similar to an open marriage, which has a divorce rate of 92%. it’s very unlikely that you will be the 8% who make it because

   1. From what you described, you were used to have sex without emotional attachment (that’s why you only had sex with people you would never see again). Yet your husband (given his religious background) probably view sex as both emotional and physical. If you sleeps with someone else, he’s bound to experience jealousy, anxiety and rejection etc so it won’t work.
   2. Your husband is extremely monogamous or he wouldn’t have waited till marriage to have sex, and wouldn’t have said that he’s willing to give up sex to stay married to you. If he sleeps with someone else, it’s almost guaranteed that he would develop deep feelings and eventually you will be replaced so it won’t work.

   3. Can couples survive sexless marriage? Some actually do. But given your ages, it’s unlikely. Not impossible, but unlikely. I sincerely hope that you can work through your early traumas and begin to enjoy sex with your husband. He sounds like a wonderful person.

5. You should look up the term “fraysexual.” That seems like it could apply to you!

   It’s definitely possible for an open marriage to work, but unfortunately I don’t necessarily see that being likely in this case.

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7. Do you guys not have physical intimacy at all?

8. Set him free. His values won’t let him leave you, but he married you expecting some physical attraction that was never there. Have some respect for him and let him get on with his life.

9. I might get shit for this, but I don’t believe in sexual compatibility. I believe in choice. As in, the choice to work with your partner towards something for the benefit of both. It doesn’t necessarily mean that one or both people absolutely love certain things, don’t have hesitancies towards others, or don’t have hard cutoffs for boundaries. I think it’s still possible to have all that AND a reasonable sex life as well. And I say that as someone whose sex life and perceptions has been affected because of sexual molestation as a child.

   There are, of course, exceptions to every rule. I don’t mean to imply there aren’t. But love is about give, take, and compromise and I think too many people chalk it up to “sexual incompatibility” because they’re not interested in working towards something together or getting a new perspective about sex.

10. The problem here as I see it, is that he is attracted to you and wants to have a sexual relationship with you. You are not attracted to him and don’t want to have sex with him. He is unlikely to become not attracted to you. He is also likely to be very unhappy and find it very painful to be in an arrangement where you have sex with other people who you are attracted to.

    The question is – are you likely to develop a sexual attraction to him? Are there things he can do that will make him more sexually attractive to you, and is he willing to do those things? If not, chances are that if you “open” the relationship you are going to find people you are more attracted to and eventually decide that a committed relationship with someone you want to bang regularly is a much better arrangement. And, I mean, it just is.

    I don’t see this sex with other people working out for the two of you, and Reddit is full of examples of “opening” relationships that went disastrously.

    It is ok to love each other and respect each other and realize that you 100% cannot make this marriage work and part amicably. You both deserve to be with partners who are attractive to you and want to have sex with you.

11. I agree with your therapist. Taking everyone else out of the equation: if the two of you want to stay together, then go for it.

12. Do you still find yourself being attracted to other men? Are YOU going to be able to never have sex ever again?

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14. I think you counselor is well not very competent. To reduce a relationship to only what society says it is therefore we can change our programming, biological and social agreements means you could just as simply just decide not to be bothered by your past experiences and live a different life. But as you know that is not as easily done as said. Opening up a relationship just to provide sex is like saying marriage is nothing more then a contract aggreed upon by society.
    My wife and i went for counseling once and after laying out our problems he told us that there was no chance for this marriage that we should consider devorce. That was 20 years into our marriage and 24 years ago. Well on tomorrow. We left and we talked and we forgave one another and we put things back on the track and we have been happy together since. So just cause someone has a degree does not make them smart. Find a counselor that helps your relationship not each other deal with your relationship. Good luck. By the way the Ingredients to our sucess has been prayer, forgiveness, and communication. Good luck.

15. You can work this out, but it sounds like all the work is on you. I would drop the marriage counseling and go to two-a-week personal counseling sessions if I were you. This is all sexual trauma based on your part, from the sounds of it. Attack that trauma head on and get yourself to a healthy sex life. He’s clearly more than patient and willing from what you have stated. Your therapist sounds absolutely insane though, so I wouldn’t go back to that therapist no matter what, if you do decide to continue marital counseling.

16. First off this sub is VERY biased toward monogamous marriage here so also post this over on /r/polyamory for a broader perspective.

    Yes, a marriage like this can work (I know people that have done it for decades) but it does sound like your husband is very tied to monogamy so he may not be able to do it. When you’ve spent your whole life being indoctrinated to think one way by everyone in your life (plus the media) it can be hard to see a different perspective.

    Either way you both need more time with your therapist to explore if this can work for you.

17. I think the top priority should be what the therapist suggested, which is you continuing individual therapy. Do not make any important decisions (like opening up your marriage or divorce) until you work through your trauma. Your view of sex since childhood seems to be apathetic which is very common in CSA survivors. It sounds like you have a very patient husband that adores you and wants to support you. HOLD ONTO THAT.

18. People saying they “don’t get the point of being married if you’re going to have sex with other people” make me so sad. Really? You can’t think of ANY other reasons to get married? You think sex is so important that you would END your marriage before opening it?

    OP, my husband is my best friend too. I love him with all of my being. I love his intellect and the way he challenges my thinking when we talk philosophy. I love the way he cares for our kids and plays with them and teaches them. I love that he supports my career and will do things around the house when my work gets busy and then buy me flowers to encourage me to keep working hard.

    Never would I ever leave him because of sex. I would leave him if he and I couldn’t have sex any more, I wouldn’t leave him if he started having sex with other women. He watches porn and I’m glad he can feel good when he wants.

    He’s just a great guy and he makes my life so much richer. Sex is a fun part of our relationship, but it’s such a small part compared to everything else. I can’t see divorcing because of sex.

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20. I am a 48yo man in an ethically non-monogamous marriage. I have been with my wife since 1998; the first 10 years we both had occasional experienced with other people, mostly friends. For rhe last 12 or so years I have actively dated online and my wife has not. I have a higher libido, and I am kinky. She isn’t kinky, and isn’t driven to see anyone. There have been times where we were essentially functionally monogamous (the years we had kids), but regardless, neither one of us ever felt like Monogamy needed to be part of our relationship. We still have sex on a regular basis… Less than I would like, but still enough to be happy and close.

    I have been seeing my main gf M for over three years. We have a mild romance, but recognize that we would not be a good primary couple by any means. However, we’re both kinky and our kinks align well. The sex is great. I see her 2-3x a month. I also occasionally see others, but not really regularly.

    She and her husband have been married for about 10 years and have absolutely zero sex life. I think they last had sex at the beginning of covid, but that was after at least 18m of no sex, and probably driven by a emotions at the outset of the pandemic.

    The issue is that he has zero libido. He had one for the first few months of their relationship, but like many it faded, and faded hard. They met late and married relatively quickly. They are 100% compatible and in deep lovr otherwise. But the lack of sex was killing her, as she has a very high libido.

    On top of having zero libido, he is not a dominant man in the bedroom. This would be a problem for her even if they were having sex, because she truly needs kinky dominant energy to enjoy sex. But this compounds things… He feels bad enough thst he can’t conjure a libido to have sex with her on a regular basis… But then feels even worse and less of a spouse because even on the rare occasion that he does he cannot muster any level of dominant, let alone mildly sadistic performance that she really needs to be satisfied.

    So they were really unhappy.

    Note: they are both queer identified to some extent, have had friends who were in non-monogamous relationships, so vreeching the subject came naturally. Actually doing it took longer, but turns out it fits them well.

    I was actually the first person to message her on the dating site after they decided to give it a try. We had a great first date (possibly the best first date I have ever had) and we messed around a bit in the car. For her, it was a really amazing release of pent up frustration.

    Since then, we have truly shaped our relationship to fit into our lives, with our spouses and families coming first. Covid was really hard on her for most of 2020, but we weathered it and we’re now ramping up all the kinky things we had been up to prior to the pandemic.

    He was a little uncomfortable at first. He actually had seen someone, but she was long distance. This actually works for him since the distance allows his sexual attraction to maintain a little (we are such a weird species, no?). But again, he felt a little inadequate because not only could he not pleasure his wife the way she needed, someone else was doing it.

    However, they communicated and worked it out and he realizes that this is a really great thing for their relationship. The pressure is off of him, they can concentrate on their family and the things they love together, and while it’s not storybook, M is living out her fantasies. It’s brought them closer together.

    M is also very happy when he starts up a new relationship… It’s happened 3x I think in these 3 years. That’s his speed, and it works for him. He recognizes that M will have many more “callers” and he’s OK with it. (she typically sees me and one other person at a time. She thought she could handle more, but with kids… Spouse + bf is hard enough, adding another tends to get exhausting really quickly).

    Of course, all the well-known rules for love and respect and open communication apply.

    In the end, we are two couples that are extremely happy with the life we have carved out. It doesn’t feel forced, it’s not “an arrangement”- though i think their side of things was at first. In the end, it’s spouses who love each other letting go of their fears and jealousies and thriving on their non-standard relationships.

    Fyi, living this life has led me to meet dozens of non-monogamous couples. Almost all of them are as happy as any couples I know, and usually happier as they tend to have great communication.

    That isn’t to say that this works for everyone. Non-monogamy is not the cure for everything, and if yiu don’t love your spouse, fucking someone else isn’t going to fill that void (and I have seen some couples try). But if my gf and her husband can not only make it work, but embrace it the way they have, I think there’s a good chance other loving couples can.

    I hope this helps.

21. I read this with such amazement at your openness to working together and finding solutions, as well as your honesty about the differences in your situations. It takes a lot to open up like this. It sounds like you’re both trying hard, so congrats to you on that.

    Here are a few of my thoughts:

    1. **Have either of you actually defined what “marriage” means to you – individually and together?** Without disrespect intended, I wouldn’t accept a therapist imposing an external definition on you if it’s not compatible with your own ideas. For example, it sounds like your husband would not agree that “the rules of marriage are simply made up by society.” If he still has strong religious convictions, he may see marriage as a divine institution with spiritual significance, he may consider its rules to be God-given and independent from society’s norms, or he may see the church as a ‘higher’ authority than the therapist in providing guidance like this. Likewise, you may define “the rules of marriage” very differently based on your life experiences (including, but not limited to, your trauma) as well as your sexual history and in general a different upbringing. It would be good for you both to be very honest about your core values, your intrinsic assumptions of what “marriage” means, and the many ways you seek fulfillment in your relationship. Discuss what you consider the non-negotiable aspects and what’s open for discussion, exploration, compromise, etc.

    2. **Your post and your comments show a lot of feelings of guilt, and they seem to be self-imposed.** Has your husband accused you of doing something “wrong” or has he explicitly found fault in you over this issue? Is it possible that you somehow feel like this is a ‘choice’ you’ve made or a ‘mistake’ you’ve allowed, and so you blame yourself – but perhaps there’s a chance your husband doesn’t view it that way? I know you obviously feel like you’ve misled him and somehow behaved in an inappropriate or hurtful way toward him. BUT there are two of you in the equation and that’s worth remembering. Does he share your assessment, or is this primarily your own worry?
    Guilt is a very complicated feeling. Perhaps during therapy you can explore together whether your feelings of guilt are appropriate and rational, or if they may be inappropriate and irrational. If your guilt is rational, you can begin to deal with it by apologizing to your husband and offering to make changes ***within your scope***, in ways that ***mutually*** work. You both need to talk about what is realistic within your emotional and moral capacity here – what do you feel you can commit to and what does your husband feel you can commit to, and vise versa. Agree together on what your marriage can handle, what it can’t handle, what level of responsibility you each bear individually, what responsibility you share, and what you both feel is required to move forward successfully. Keep looking ahead instead of behind. The goal is to make the best possible decisions for the future of your relationship. I know this sounds very cliché but you really cannot do anything to change the past, just the future. I recommend, as much as possible, that you focus on how to move ahead together to reduce your chances of feeling guilty for the same reason(s) in the future – whatever that means for you both. Don’t open yourselves up to further self-doubt and second-guessing whether you’re doing the right thing. Ultimately, whatever choice you make together, you need to know with confidence that you’ve made the best choice you could.
    (If your guilt is irrational, definitely still acknowledge your feelings, but also please be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Obsessing and blaming yourself might only increase your negative feelings instead of helping you to move forward productively.)

    3. Be careful, as much as possible, not to let self-esteem have an adverse effect on your efforts. It is not easy and I won’t pretend to know what your particular experiences have left you feeling like, but see if there is any way you can give yourself permission to leave negative self-talk behind you.

    You’re clearly carrying a lot of shame and possibly some anxiety about your agency in this, and my heart breaks for you. I worry that you might think your past makes you somehow ‘less acceptable’ or ‘less worthy’ or whatever. *Ugly things that happened do not mean you’re an ugly person.* I also worry that you might feel like you’re actively keeping your husband from happiness. That is not true. You’re clearly not ‘gatekeeping’ (based on your post and comments) and I can guarantee that you’re not the only one who has ever experienced horrible things or made regrettable choices. This isn’t about you not measuring up, or having to fix this yourself. You’re not alone. Also, you don’t deserve to bear the burden of responsibility all by yourself. This is about two people figuring out what makes sense for them both to thrive.

    ***I will note too, that if someone took advantage of you sexually, violated you, broke your trust, hurt or harmed you, etc…. that person (those people?) are the one(s) who deserve the blame. They are the one(s) who bear the shame and they are guilty. Not you.***

    4. **Please give yourselves some time to grieve.** That may sound wierd, but hear me out. We tend to think of grief as exclusive to situations of death or loss. It’s also applicable to situations of change, especially if you perceive failure. Essentially you’re both experiencing some sense of “loss” over the marriage that could have been and hasn’t materialized. That’s normal and OK to feel. Give the grief a bit of breathing room. Go through the stages of it, and be open with each other about how it makes you feel. But also know that redefining success and saying goodbye to a past ideal is not the same as failure: it is growth and maturity. You’re not killing a dream, you’re building a future and carving a new path forward. You’re adapting to challenges and working together to solve them. Especially as you contemplate moving ahead with different arrangements, or even possibly ending the marriage, whatever you do *please* leave space to mourn the loss of what you hoped for and to deal with all of the emotions coming at you, and after you take time to accept that grief then please also remember that you’re actually doing the wise and courageous thing and it’s OK to celebrate yourselves for facing your challenges, even if that means huge changes.

    5. **Lastly, watch out for side habits that might form during all this.** This kind of stress, worry, sadness, and generally intense emotion can sometimes lead to some unhealthy coping mechanisms. Be on your guard against behaviours that could turn into new problems – you’re both already dealing with enough, so you want to protect against those. A good support structure can help with this, if you have friends or family you can trust to keep you accountable and provide encouragement. Your therapist can also give some guidance on this. Just be alert and treat yourselves with kindness and care.

    I truly wish you both the best of luck as you explore the options, work through the issues and develop some shared goals, boundaries, etc. It’s hard work you’re doing. I hope only good things for you at the end of all the effort.

22. Just going off of the attitudes I generally notice in this sub, you’re not likely to get positive feedback here about opening up your marriage. I’d highly recommend posting in a sub like r/nonmonogamy and considering some other viewpoints (and don’t worry, they call plenty of people out when they’re going about opening up incorrectly or for the wrong reasons).

    I can say that my marriage is open and it’s great because we communicate well and act with love for each other above all else. It’s very possible, it’s just a lot of work.

23. I don’t know why she uses the term alternate. All she is saying is you define your relationship. If you both are happy, you both are happy. You don’t need to feel insecure in your marriage and like you have a problem because of what other people say.

    If your husband is unhappy about the lack of sex and intimacy, that totally makes sense.

    I think you need to do more on your end to work through your trauma and work to have a healthy sex life with your husband. Which I know is a very challenging thing to work through, but I think you need to demonstrate that his needs are important to you. And maybe you have and just didn’t elaborate on it on here.

    I have an open marriage with my husband. Over the years we’ve become less active with others and stick mostly to ourselves.

    I love my husband more than air, he’s the #1 person I want to have sex with. We have the best sex and it’s meaningful because of how much he means to me as a person. I have to admit, if my husband just didn’t want to have sex with me because of past trauma…. going to be a serious issue for me. So much so our marriage probably wouldn’t work. I want too have sex with my HUSBAND. If I just wanted to have sex with other people I’d be single.

    So the suggestion that an open relationship is a solution just for sex… yeah that’s a horrible suggestion. That does nothing to address the lack of desired sexual intimacy with a meaningful partner.

    My husband and I did not open our relationship because we lacked anything with one another, we just wanted to expand and add to our experiences (especially since the vast majority of them were still had together and not independently). It’s EXTRA, not in place of or not to make up for a lack of something.

24. First of all, thank you for your vulnerability in sharing such intimate and difficult part of your marriage. I think it’s great that y’all are in therapy together (and individually; maybe your husband should also seek individual therapy to help wrap his mind around an alternative marriage relationship). You’re question about whether a husband and wife can love each other while only having sex with other people, that’s a question that only you two can ultimately answer but, in my view, love is stronger than any other force on earth. There is a concept called “compersion” where one partner gets pleasure from witnessing there partner being pleased/happy. If you you two continue in therapy and open communication, and are honest with each other, not only can your love and marriage survive, but can deepen and evolve into what you both want it to be. Blessings to you both.

    Also, I married a virgin and I was not. It’s difficult sometimes to find a sexual groove.

25. Wait, so you don’t want to have sex with him because, unlike your past partners, he doesn’t disappear after the deed? Am I missing something else?

26. I would have fired her.

27. Honestly I would stick it out and get to a sex therapist for couples. That’s what you need. Not a person telling you to open the marriage. Who does that?! My husband is like yours and honestly he didn’t tell me he was a virgin at first. Looking back I’m like duh… however he is the sweetest, kindest man I have ever met and we have been together 15 years. I don’t have the same trauma as you but my libido was low for years. Like sex once a week was about what I could handle. Then my husband started researching how to make things better. I’ve told him what I like. (I know what he likes lol) Now bam. Sex all the time. When you both put effort into making it better you can do it. It takes work though on both sides. If you really love him you talking about sex and working it out is the only way.