I, 31f, have been engaged to my fiancée 29m for just under a year. We’ve dated for two years and been friends for a decade.
My mom 62f is undergoing chemotherapy for pancreatic cancer. I understand it’s a very real possibility she might not be with us a year from now, or five years. She was hospitalized for two months starting in March. with the doctors biopsying saying it’s cancer, no it’s not, yes it is three times before the final biopsy determined yes it was cancer.
When she was first hospitalized her tumor marker was a 4, then in the 50s. After two chemo sessions it dropped to 27. Her newest blood work shows it’s at an 8. She in undergoing whipple surgery august 23rd followed by more chemo.
During her hospitalizations I continued to work full time, and drive an hour one way to visit her 3 times a week. Now she’s back home with me, she has a visiting nurse. My sister is an rn and has four kids and we are all in one house together.
I had to learn skills like setting up a tpn feeding device. Flush her pic lines with sodium and heparin. Countless calls to doctors to set up appointments, pharmacies for medication etc. while continuing to help with four kids, one has Down syndrome, and work full time.
My fiancée keeps saying let’s get married already, let’s plan, let’s go to a courthouse.
I’m mentally, emotionally and physically spent. I have a week break in august.
I don’t want to deal with planning a wedding right now when I’m consumed with everything else. He said let’s go to the courthouse. I don’t want to rush a wedding just because my mom is sick. I want her to be as healthy and strong as she can and walk with me at my wedding. He keeps persisting to get married soon when I keep telling him I don’t have any more hands to juggle anything else. I’ve always wanted a small wedding but not at a courthouse. It’s just not for me.
People are assuring me of having cold feet or not wanting to marry him at all. Thats not the case I love this man dearly.
Should I just suck it up and have the wedding I don’t necessarily want to appease everyone?
Am I an Asshole for holding out for what could be a pipe dream with her disease and wanting her there in health and not a cruel reminder of what this disease has done to her?
Tldr: my, 31f, mom 62f, has pancreatic cancer. I don’t want to rush or plan a wedding now because I’m stressed as is. Everyone keeps making comments on when’s my wedding. My fiancée keeps insisting we do a courthouse wedding. I don’t want that.
38 comments
You could have the courthouse “wedding” so your mom can attend and have a “real”/big one later.
>My fiancée keeps insisting we do a courthouse wedding. I don’t want that.
Then communicate that to him. You need to talk things out before one of you resents the other.
Never *ever* have a wedding of *any* kind “just to appease someone”.
Why is *he* pushing the wedding when it’s *your* mom who is sick? What’s his angle? Is she putting pressure on the two of you to do it soon, and he’s reflecting that pressure back onto you? Or is he making up the urgency out of his *own* feelings about her sickness?
In any event:
No one should *ever* go to the altar unless and until s/he is not only absolutely ready to be there, but *thrilled* to be there as well.
Your mom is important, but so is your wedding and what you want for your wedding. Regardless of whatever considerations or concessions you may make for your mom, don’t make compromises or give in to outside pressure that will make you regret those circumstances for the rest of your life.
One more thought: this is the start of a new chapter in your life, and getting married is different than being BF/GF. I would highly recommend that you not put extra stress and/or negative connotations on this important beginning of the next phase of your relationship.
It sounds like you and your fiance are both sort of talking past each other, which is understandable given the circumstances you find yourself in and your lack of energy for relationship heart-to-hearts. But I do think that the way to resolve this is to both sit down and communicate honestly about what you’re each trying to achieve and what you really want from a wedding. Because I don’t think *either* of you really knows what the other person wants.
It sounds like you have no idea why he’s pushing to get married asap in a courthouse. You’re discarding the idea as annoying because it’s not what you want and you can’t bear to think about it right now, so you haven’t taken the time to understand his reasoning and the emotions behind it. You’ve said a lot about what *you* want in a wedding, but nothing about what *he* wants. Maybe he thinks it’s unrealistic to hold out hope that your mom will become healthy, and that ultimately you’ll rather have gotten married while she was at least still around to see it? Maybe after a year of being engaged, he just wants to be married already and doesn’t care about the wedding itself, and he’s concerned that years will tick by with your priorities elsewhere? Maybe he thinks being legally married will make something easier in the short term, like him being part of the family for purposes of talking to medical staff or something about the living situation (is he living with you all in the house too?)?
And likewise, it sounds like he’s assuming he knows the best solution, without really understanding what you want. I get that you’re hoping for a fairytale where your mom is all better and you have the exact, lovely small wedding you’ve always wanted. But have you talked to him about what you’d want as the backup plan if it doesn’t work out like that?
I get that you are very tired, but what I’m still unsure about is how you might feel if your mom were to pass and then not be able to make it to your wedding, whether that be at a courthouse or at a gathering you are able to plan and be happy with. Likewise, how do you think your mother might feel? As someone who has lost a couple members from pancreatic cancer, it can be a quick decline and the opportunity to have your mother there -in whatever capacity- may not be an option if you wait without a plan.
I think it would be best if you had a talk with your mom specifically about this question. Obviously it’s your choice ultimately if and when you get married, but you can certainly have a discussion with her about it- it might help you think about what it means to you to be able to have her there.
After that, you should certainly talk to your partner about this. If you don’t want your wedding date and circumstance to be tied to your mom’s health status, communicate that. Ask him what are the most important things about a wedding to them – if having all family possible there is one of those, be willing to hear that- and then see if you can work out a plan from there.
Good luck OP- I think you are just under a lot of stress and probably need to at least think about your expectations and communicate them. Hopefully everything flows from that.
It sounds like the pressure is entirely from your fiancée- could your mom be part of the conversation, tell him she doesn’t want you to rush things like this either?
You definitely don’t need to do the courthouse thing but fiancée needs some better suggestions. Tell him to start looking at smaller venues that have an all inclusive package. Look at dates in 6 months not one since depending on where you live you’ll get a good deal and more availability.
I also think it’s valid to wait until your mom is a little better to start planning. Cancer is such a crapshoot and I’m sorry you are going through this, it sounds like your mom is incredibly lucky to have you.
Is it either a courthouse wedding or a small wedding that you have to worry about planning and setting up?
How about your fiancee do all the planning, arrangements, etc. and the only thing you have to do is walk down the aisle?
By the way, I wonder about your fiancee’s awareness and his willingness to support you for if all he is doing is bugging you about the wedding and not helping you out with all this then it makes me wonder if he is the right guy.
If it’s for your mom, you should just take her dress shopping (if she’s able to) so she can see you in a dress.
Also, I’m really sorry about your mom 💜
Could it be that he has some anxiety about rights, now he sees how close your mom is getting? It’s easy to pretend that that paper is meaningless, but it does have some legal impact about who gets to be involved in a situation like your mom’s. Perhaps that’s something to have a talk about. Also talk about a timeline and when you’d want to reevaluate the situation again for potential planning.
Plan your wedding when you want to do it. It sounds like you are too busy with your mom right now to do something like you’ve dreamed of. You should want a day where you can look back with happiness, not with stress and fear. Hopefully your mom recovers to be there herself. Is she in any state now to be a guest? It sounds like she’s in a very intense stage where even a rushed wedding would take too much. Then your wedding would be a bit of a burden to her, even if she’d likely do everything to be there.
I would have a serious talk with her doctors to see how long she has after her surgery. If she doesn’t have long I would have the courthouse wedding. I think you would really regret it if you wait until there is an appropriate time. I know you are feeling overwhelmed by everything but unfortunately you have been given a shit hand
Not to be too grim, but what exactly are your mother’s chances? Is she expected to be able to recover? Is there an expected survival rate/survival time for people who have her type/severity of cancer? Even if the long-term prognosis isn’t the best, is there a chance she could recover to some extent in the next few months so that she could walk you down the aisle like you want?
In normal circumstances, your desires are very reasonable. Not wanting to rush a wedding would also be reasonable. But my understanding is that pancreatic cancer is one of the most dangerous and severe cancers you can get. And you should be taking into account the possibility that your mother is not able to recover sufficiently from her illness to be able to walk you down the aisle. If you have your marriage soon, presumably your mother would at least be able to attend. But what happens if you wait 6 months and at that point instead of getting better your mother is bedridden? How would you feel about your mother not being able to attend your wedding at all? Most of the thought process that I read in your original post seem to be making the assumption that you mother is going to recover to some extent. I certainly hope that is true, but I am not privy to your mother’s medical information and do not know if that is a realistic assumption. Either consult with her doctors or with your mother herself and figure out what sort of time frame you can work with.
I will also suggest that just because you have a smaller wedding soon to satisfy your mother’s wish doesn’t mean you have to skip out on a larger ceremony that you’ve been wanting to plan. It isn’t unheard of to have two ceremonies (albeit often in different circumstances). You certainly don’t have to do a courthouse wedding if you don’t want to, but there are ways to do a smaller ceremony quickly that isn’t a complete joke.
Nothing good usually comes out of making big decisions when in grief. My ex-wife and I learned that the hard way when both her parents died within 6 months of each other. Dont get married untill you are mentally ready.
“Am I an Asshole for holding out for what could be a pipe dream with her disease and wanting her there in health and not a cruel reminder of what this disease has done to her?”
No but acknowledge to yourself that it may not happen.
Being exhausted and with all the emotional pain right now is reason enough to say you don’t want the extra pressure.
But if your expectation is that your mom is going to be in a state to walk you down the aisle I think you need to ask yourself what you might regret if that doesn’t happen.
Just for yourself.
If he was understanding man ,he wouldn’t be pressuring you to get married. Maybe you should evaluate the relationship with this man .also never do anything you don’t want, you might regret later
No.
Your mom isn’t pushing for you to get married before she passes, so there is zero reason for your bf to be pressuring you. (Not that she should be pressuring you either).
You only should get married if you actually want to get married. If you don’t want to do that right now then definitely don’t!
Putting the wedding issue aside for a moment, can you afford to take some additional vacation or FMLA time for your own health and wellbeing? You sound incredibly stressed and I wonder whether taking a little extra time off (even if it’s just another week or two) would give you the space to center yourself and see things a little more clearly. It’s incredibly hard to make decisions when you are so spent. Are you doing all the planning and work around your vacation? Because that can actually add to your stress. Tell your fiancé that you need a break and that break includes a break from all wedding discussions. Figure out what you need to do to care of yourself and do that.
I had a very similar situation. My late wife’s grandmother was dying of cancer (who also passed away, shortly after the wedding). We forced our marriage early and quickly so she could see her oldest granddaughter get married. This put a strain on it relationship that wasn’t there before. We both had some things we should’ve worked on with ourselves before getting married. I guess it doesn’t matter now since they are both gone, but if I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I would have the courage and ability to communicate what I was feeling. I can’t be certain, but I think this rushed decision was what made the later years of it marriage as stressful as they were.
My advice is not to force this if you don’t feel 100% ready. You can’t undo this decision easily, and it could lead to a lifetime of regret.
I think I understand where your fiancé is coming from. Your options, most likely, are a rushed thing now with your mom or not having your mom there for your wedding. You mentioned wanting her there for the not rushed wedding of your dreams, but pancreatic cancer has a terrible prognosis, so I think without being as blunt as an internet stranger people are telling you that you have to pick between the wedding you want likely without your mom or the wedding you don’t want with her. Maybe you can have a legal ceremony now and a real wedding later or have a small party now and the big one later. I do hope your mother can make your future celebrations, but it’s really important for you to understand she may not and that her care needs are more likely to get worse than better, so there is not likely to be a time where you don’t feel overwhelmed and can plan your wedding until after she passes. And then how likely are you to want to plan a big party.
If I were your fiancé, I would be pushing for something soon, not to lock you into something you don’t want, but to prevent the mess of the next few years from locking you into a place where there is never a good time to be happy.
I hope this is overly pessimistic and you can get everything you want, but make sure you don’t leave yourself with regrets from missing opportunities to take the happiness you can definitely have now over the promise of better things someday.
I see a lot of comments focused on your dynamic with your partner. That’s all well and good, and I’m sure in a lot of ways those commenters are probably right. What they’re missing, though, is the reality of cancer, and the reality of regret.
**If you want your mom at your wedding, and you plan on getting married anyway, do it now. If it’s important to you that your mom be there, and you know you’re gonna marry this guy: DO IT RIGHT NOW.**
If you’re holding out hope she will get well to see you married, let go of that delusion. You don’t know how long you have with her. You’re not god. Don’t do what I did. Don’t assume she will get better and hold off on plans because of that. If you’re gonna do things anyway, do them now while you have her.
Sincerely,
Someone who watched their mom go much faster than they expected, even after a very long battle with cancer.
I think you’re doing great and please trust yourself to not wanting to rush into a wedding. You are holding up amazing and dealing with so much please trust your instincts.
I wish your mother the best
I personally made plenty of wedding related decisions for the sake of my parents. and not just because they paid for it all. I got married 5 years ago and my dad is now no longer able to travel. Im so glad I got to do it when I did so he could be a part of it. I get a bit teary looking at the photo of him walking me down the aisle…he can barely walk now.
In my 20s, my wedding would have been all about me. But now that I’m much older, I’ve started to realize that certain things aren’t all about me, no matter how much they seem to be. I think when you realize how little time they have left, you start shifting your priorities around. My parents level of enjoyment of it all brought me a lot of happiness that I know when I was younger, I would not have cared about.
Oh, fwiw I booked a destination wedding where they literally gave me a 3 page booklet of easy choices and the whole thing was totally handled. Like “chocolate or vanilla cake?” and “pick 3 colors for flowers”. Sure, I “missed out” on some wedding experiences like cake tasting and all that but it was sooooo worth it to have a stress free wedding planned.
If you truly want your mom at your wedding, you should get married very soon. I’m sorry to say this, but pancreatic cancer has very poor survival statistics.
It doesn’t make you an asshole to want her to be healthy for your wedding, but it’s possible you’re not being realistic about that, and you need to decide what’s most important to you. Will you regret not having your mom at your wedding if you wait for her to get better and she never does? Will you regret having her at your wedding when she’s even sicker than she is now because you were hoping she would improve? Or will you regret rushing to get married so she can be there, even if that’s the only option to have her present at your wedding?
Now is the time to rally whatever troops you can. Does your mom have friends or other relatives who could take a few caregiving shifts so you can have some time to yourself for a day or two? Or could you afford to pay someone for just a little while to get a break? If you can do that, take some time to really think about what’s important to you in terms of the wedding. If, ultimately, the most important thing is having your mom present, then yeah, go get married at the courthouse, and then once things have settled hold a wedding reception with the dress and cake and guests and all that other stuff. If, ultimately, focusing on taking care of your mom and not having to worry about the future at all is the most important thing, then tell your fiance that you love him, but marriage is off the table until you no longer have to be a caregiver for your mom, and you need him to respect that and stop pushing to get married right away. Or the answer might be somewhere in between, but you need to do whatever you can for your own well being right now.
If you have access to therapy or a grief or caregiver support group, please try to take some time for that as well. Having a terminally ill parent is one of the most emotionally devastating experiences we go through in our lives, so make use of all the resources available to you. If you can afford to take any paid time off, look into FMLA leave at your workplace — caregivers are typically eligible, although it super sucks that it’s unpaid.
Bottom line: Whatever time you have left with your mom is precious. YOU get to decide what ways you can spend that time to bring yourself the most possible peace.
If he wants to get married so badly right now, tell him to plan the wedding. You don’t have the headspace.
Get him to do the whole thing and just chat with you when he needs joint decisions made.
This will be a good test of whether or not he’s actually going to be an equal partner when you marry.
Cause right now, it sounds like you’re doing all the heavy lifting and he just expects you to manage everything. This sounds like an unsupportive partner.
If my mum’s going through chemo, pressuring me and giving me more responsibilities would be the last thing my husband does. He’ll look for ways to lessen the load for me.
I don’t think reddit can really advise you on this. Both marriage AND death are greatly personal journeys. (Although I hope your mother beats this and can be with you regardless.) That being said, I’d like to share my story.
I grew up spending all my time at my maternal grandparents house. They were my best friends for my whole life. In 2014, my then boyfriend proposed to me. I wanted a long engagement. But in 2015, just months after seeing us, my paternal grandfather died. My maternal grandmother had bone marrow cancer and was given a prognosis of 2 years to live, and after my paternal grandfather died I realized I didn’t want any more of my grandparents to miss out.
We got married in April of 2016. My father was the officiant, and my grandfather walked me down the aisle.
In October of 2016 my grandfather wasn’t feeling well.
In November of 2016 my father started having mini-strokes.
In December of 2016 my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
In January 2017 my father had a big stroke (and spent the next year in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation facilities).
May 2nd, 2017, my grandfather died.
December 3rd, 2018 my grandmother died.
July 2nd, 2020, my father died after two years strictly bed-bound.
I look back on my wedding with a full heart. All the people I loved most were there. If my husband and I hadn’t married by December 2016, we would not be married now– the grief is too profound still to this day for me to consider having a monumental life event that these people were supposed to be at.
For the record, you and I are the same age.
I have no regrets. No matter how you go about this, I think that should be your goal– to have no regrets.
I really wish you and your family all the best.
My mom died of cancer. You’re going to regret not having her there.
Don’t do a courthouse wedding if you don’t want one, but a small basic ceremony at home (where mom can bow out for a nap or rest) isn’t awful. Have a huge whateverthefuck whenever you can plan it.
Others have kind of already hit on the realities of the cancer situation. The other half of it is if you don’t want a courthouse wedding don’t get a courthouse wedding just to have it done faster. You’ll regret that for the rest of your life.
Aside from the cancer concerns the simple truth of the matter is “the right time” might just never come. Optimal stability is just such a hard state to achieve.
Now all that said if you can’t plan because you don’t have the mental bandwidth there are options. Personally after like 5 years of dithering the wife and eloped to Vegas with our closest friends and her parents and my parents well wishes. Got a wedding package and took care of it with minimal fuss and I can’t recommend it enough.
So tldr: you aren’t wrong for feeling stressed or having wants but life is short and precious and if your actual concerns aren’t if you should get married but how that’s a ticking clock no matter what the outcome is.
Here is a thought. Do you need lot of people at your wedding? We got married and just had a priest and a dozen or so close family members. There wasn’t any planning or invitations, just flowers and a cake from Costco and it was lovely and perfect! The church was built in the 1800s, on a beach and had no AC or power at all. We filled the whole church with our dozen or so people. But that’s us. If you want a big wedding, now just isn’t the time. And a small wedding only works if that’s what you feel good about. But, just know that there are lots of options between big wedding and courthouse.
My Mom has stage 4 cancer. My wedding day was SO important to her. We planned it but decided if she got worse before then we would have a courthouse wedding for her to be there. We were able to avoid that but I think the wedding itself doesn’t matter if you want your mom to witness it. Whipple surgery is ROUGH and your mom may not get to a point of health where you want her to be for your wedding. Maybe have your fiancé plan a small wedding at a nice restaurant and have your mom there. It will likely mean the world to her.
Don’t screw up your forever for someone that won’t he here much longer. I know that sounds callous, but think about it.
I’m going to start this with a statement: Your feelings are so valid and you have every right to the wedding that you’ve always envisioned. It does not make you an AH to want things this way. Your life is so stressful and terribly hard as it is, you can postpone forever and no one is allowed to tell you differently.
However, and I hope this is coming across gently and not pushy, coming from someone who has been in your shoes, I wish I would have gotten married sooner. I got engaged in July and my mom was dead from the cancer by January. I loved our wedding and it was one of the best days of my life, but I wish I would have just said to hell with the planning and had her there.
We didn’t get married sooner and she wasn’t there because I was a 50/50 caregiver for her and I couldn’t handle planning the wedding and caring for her at the same time. Now, nearly 10 years later, I wish I wouldn’t have cared so much about what the day was going to look like and more about getting just this one experience with her. She missed the wedding, the birth of my children, my graduation from graduate school, excelling in my career, all of it. The birthdays, the advice, the help when I was postpartum, it’s all gone and I will never get to experience any of it, so I wish I would have taken what I could have had when she was here.
Another suggestion, if you’re still reading, ask your fiance to take on a bulk of the planning. Let him know your musts, and if he wants to get married so soon, have him pick out things and contact vendors and give you choices after he’s already done the research.
I think you need to let go of the idea that you’re going to wait until your mom is well again, given that the prognosis for pancreatic cancer is so grim.
I’m really sorry. This is awful. You can always plan a better wedding celebration later, but for right now, it would mean so much to your mother to see you get married that I’d like to see you do it. I think I had my wedding planned and performed in three weeks.
Boo, your mom is unwell….. she could go any day. We all could. Nothing is guaranteed in life…. If you went her there. The sooner the better. Your fiancé may be seeing things from a different perspective then you can allow yourself… he may see how short the time you have left with your mom really is.
I’m not saying drive yourself mad trying to have a wedding you aren’t ready for… but just remember people renew their vows all the time….. a small snappy ceremony might not be the worst thing. Especially shared with the ones you love
Oh wow, from the title I imagined the pressure were coming from the prospect that your mother could die.
Yeah definitely don’t marry someone who doesn’t care that you can’t have anything else on your plate right now.
>People are assuring me of having cold feet or not wanting to marry him at all.
These people can go.
I’m a nurse that has cared for many patients after a whipple surgery. It is a major, life changing event. The surgery itself has a high rate of complications. As you know, pancreatic has a terrible 5 year survival rate. Those years after surgery are often filled with endless treatments and bad days. Your mom may be in her best health before she has the whipple. Remission is not guaranteed unfortunately. Just something to consider after caring for that population myself.
I truly wish that when you get married, it is what YOU want. You may need to move up your timeline unfortunately.
If I were you I would opt for dress shopping and professional pictures with her. Hire a makeup artist, go to a spa, make it a fun day.
My gf wanted to quickly have her wedding because she wanted to ensure her grandpa was there before he passed. It was beautiful, he died a few months later, a decade later she can’t get pregnant and husband leaves her. She’s said she really just wanted pictures with her grandpa, and she should have just done that at the time I think.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My bridesmaid died 3 days before my wedding from cancer, it was sudden and I couldn’t take it and canceled and lost thousands and a lot of pissed people who flee in. It’s a truly horrible thing to have to decide.
Pick the things that make you happy today, and do those the best you can.
NTA. But INFO- would your mom be able to sit with you and help you choose things as a sort of bonding experience? I know it feels like there’s not enough time to plan. But at least this way she feels a part of it ?