Lots of comments on this sub, especially those for dead or struggling bedrooms, suggest opening up the relationship.
So genuine question: how many of you have had what you would consider a ‘successful’ open relationship? Did it start open or did it open up due to difficulties? My gut feeling says that opening a struggling relationship is like having a kid to save it — that it rarely works out — but I’m interested in being proven wrong or at least being more educated.
7 comments
No
The first rule of non monogamy is “Relationship broke: add people” is a surefire way to destroy whatevers left.
Open relationships work when its based on kink. When the partners involved are happy with their sex life with each other but have a desire to enjoy others and so they either enter relationships where its open or open up to give each other more sexual freedom.
Opening a relationship because you’re miserable with your sex life with a partner is a desperation measure and a bandaid over the real issues that does not actually hold the relationship together at all.
No. 99.9 percent no
Well it wasn’t a straight forward road like that. But almost opening up ( I was a few days away from a serious encounter). Caused a period of “hysterical bonding”. Which led us to save our relationship and a year or so later become swingers. We went from a nearly dead bedroom to the best sex of our lives together and with others. Also it’s hard to describe but we are now far more committed to each other then before.
This does not sound like a good idea.
I am polyamorous. Technically single at the moment with a regular casual sex partner, but my previous partner and I were poly (and it was while I was with him that I started my casual thing on the side…i believe in full transparency, so both my partners were aware of the other though they hadn’t met each other).
The thing about any relationship is that it can’t and shouldn’t survive without fixing the issues that are the root problem in the relationship. A poly or open relationship CAN solve some problems (such as a partner who has a naturally lower libido than the other partner), but there has to be a genuinely strong base to that relationship to begin with. Poly relationships are actually more difficult, not easier than monogamous relationships. When you add people into the mix, there’s more room for jealousy, hurt feelings, miscommunication, and misunderstandings. You need a really healthy relationship which is rooted in good communication in order for it to survive the issues that polyamory or open relationships will bring to it.
I will also add that it’s nearly impossible to open up an already existing relationship without deeply fracturing that relationship. It’s MUCH easier to do poly/open relationships from the start. By doing it from the start, you’re communicating to your partner the fundamental fact that “this is how I am, and this is how I view relationships and this is what works best for me…if you’re not ok with this, that’s fine but we’re incompatible.” When you’re in a monogamous relationship and you ask to open it up, you very much make it about your partner whether you mean to or not. You’re essentially telling them “I know we started this thing in monogamy, but my needs aren’t being met.” You make this potentially am issue of inadequacy for the entire rest of your relationship, even if you just have the discussion and decide against opening it up. It’s a can of worms that will take a LOT of hard hard work to get past for most people and most relationships.
And I’ll add that people who are familiar with poly/open relationships have the experience to know what a minefield it is to open a relationship after the fact. Which tells me that likely, you don’t have the experience with poly that would be most likely to make this successful. You need experience navigating not just jealousy, but the communication skills to navigate boundaries and expectations.
It can be done, but its very very difficult to switch from mono to poly midstream.
I feel like this would only make things spiral out of control you have to be secure with your partner before doing such a thing because they’re built off of Trust and jealousy is a huge thing I see when people open up relationships when they’re not ready or when they open them up and become a third wheel or feel like they became a one in my opinion it will only make the gap grow And you’ll feel stuck in an open relationship
I have a successful open relationship and I can tell you that it ONLY works when you start from a solid foundation of trust, communication and brutal honesty.
Opening a relationship never saves a dead one, it only enhances great ones.