Hello all, I (38, male) would love to get some feedback about my situation at the moment, I am not sure if leaving the relationship is my best option. I am dating the mother of an almost four year old girl. She has her over every other weekend. The relationship with her ex is very dramatic and a source of constant pain. He lives next door still. He got something like a postnatal depression after their daughter was born and my GF had to raise her basically on her own for the first two years until she decided to seperate from him after fourteen years of relationship.
When I got to know her eight months ago she said that she has a respectful relationship with him. Over time it became very clear that he is very disrespectful actually and their realtionship a disaster. I got to know her daughter after three months and it was rocky at the beginning, but she accepted me at one point and became a very beautiful experience for me. I was keen also getting to know her before I had made a conscious decision being open dating women with children already. This is my first time with that. Our relationship started very slow and I was okay being patient at the beginning, but I was not sure (they seperated only 6 months before we met) if she was ready for something new actually, as I felt she would keep me at distance all the time and I had really fallen for her. I asked her if she is ready and said she thinks so, but then later after a few months admitted that she hasn’t been for the first three months and now thinks she accepted me as her new partner.
Despite the growing relationtionship with her daughter I feel I am going in loops with her. I know that she has been victim to violence as a child and me I was not having the best childhood either but did a lot of therapy to work on communication, boundaries, openness about needs and feelings, vulnerability and those are the things I desperately miss in the relationship, which make an adult relationship rich for me. I also feel that she still holds me at a distance, doesn’t really open up to me and I crave more physical closeness than she is giving.
When I start talking about my needs she kind of dismisses it by either saying that I am too negative and should focus on what I actually have or reacts hurt and withdraws refusing to talk to me which let to some really traumatic weekends, where I would try to be after her and talk to her, while she would only get angrier and louder. I feel open communication in a calm matter basically never happens or only after two days of intense conflicts.
I feel tired and worn out, I feel it would be hard to break up, basically with two people, but sometimes I think it would be the best option, then holding on for some hope. I think the relationship to her daughter should be based on a solid relationship between us and not the other way round. In the end I feel I need to compromise a lot and don’t get what I would need in a relationship really.
Has someone been in a smiliar situation? Did you resolve it or is this relationship doomed?
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**tl;dr**: Fresh relationship with problems from the start, trauma, ex involved, dating a single mother
4 comments
>Our relationship started very slow
I’m sorry but it didn’t. They’d been barely split 6 months, he lives next door and she was already introducing you and allowing you to develop a relationship with her daughter after 3 months (at which time she was barely in the relationship anyway). I feel very sorry for the child in this, having her parents split but ultimately still there next door, and a new guy thrown into her life when they weren’t ready for it. This is not a dynamic ready for a relationship. She needs to sort herself before dating. For the child if nothing else.
Agreed, your partner does not sound like she is ready for a relationship.
Single parents ideally should not be introducing their children to people they are dating until they are in a stable relationship, as it is difficult for a child to see a revolving door of “parent” figures in their lives.
In this case, it sounds like your partner didnt shield her daughter from that, but hopefully that would be a lesson for OP in the future, should he date any single moms in the future.
You didn’t take this slowly at all. You got together with a woman who had separated from her partner of 14 years only six months before, and you met her child within three months. That’s *not* slow.
I’m sorry, but you need a swift kick: You are way, *way* too old to think that is what slow looks like with a newly single mother.
You rushed this. And you’re still rushing this.
You’re also a bad fit for one another. Your expectations seem to be on the rather intense side of the spectrum for any new relationship, and they are just completely unrealistic in this case. Add to that the conflict and arguments in such a new relationship, this is clearly not something either of you should continue.
She separated six months ago and you met her kid three months in? That’s lightning fast my dude.
I’m a stepmom, I didn’t meet the kids until about a year in.
If you’re contemplating a break up less than a year in then you should just break up because it should be easy at this stage.
I think you also need to research more about dating a parent because your idea of this being slow is completely insane and false.
And your focus on whether she is ready or not is misplaced, this is about the child being ready. Jesus.