Good morning everyone.
I have been struggling for the past 5 days and have no idea what is what anymore. I have recently found out that my partner has been watching porn and has a large collection of it on his computer that he regularly accesses.
We play computer games together, and one day I woke up to his computer still making noises of a YouTube video he was watching regarding a video game. I opened it up to turn it off, which I saw the folder of a large collection of pornographic pictures, some including non-nsfw pictures of faces or clothed people. I had also noticed a few pictures he had of himself that I had yet to see. Not a single picture in the folder was of me, though I have sent him plenty of content.
We are sexually active with each other, but I have felt like I’m the one that is initiating intimacy 90% of the time. It has also been less so recently compared to the past. He also knows that my last serious relationship ended because of porn, the ex telling me that I was undesirable and intimacy was a chore compared to just doing his thing.
I have talked with my partner about the situation, to which he apologized and said it has nothing to do with his attraction to me and that he uses it to release his own sexual frustrations, but wouldn’t elaborate further. I’m not sure how to comprehend that and, to be honest, my imagination is not any better than complete honesty from him, regardless of what his truth may be.
I love him tremendously and know in my soul that he loves me back and hates seeing me this way. However, he has not shown any compromise, creative solutions like involving me, or help reassure me over the past days and I’m slowly sinking into a deeper depression.
Any thoughts on the subject will be appreciated, please. Anything to help me process my own feelings and thoughts.
TL;DR: My partner has been watching porn in secret while being less intimate with me over time. This has caused major self image issues on my part due to a past relationship. How can I get out of this funk because it’s affecting me heavily.
For context: my porn collection is full of the small collection of pictures and videos we have taken over the course of our relationship. This could also be why I’m just feeling so absolutely abysmal.