I ended things the other day. Packed my stuff, told him bc of his drinking, and being treated constantly like sh*t I was done and gone. I moved out the same night. I told him that bc I love him and care about him I’d like to remain friends and check in on him. I even agreed to go to a movie this weekend that we were originally planning on seeing. The thing is, he is still texting me constantly starting it with “babe” and ending it with “I love you” I feel obligated to tell him I love him back, (bc I do, but not romantically anymore, which he knows). When I was leaving he asked if it was forever and I didn’t want to say yes and hurt him more so I said something like “I can’t say what the future holds”
Advice?
TLDR; ex bf still acts like we’re together
Edit to add: okay guys, I get it. I’m at fault here. This is my first breakup and first relationship, I have no idea what I’m doing. I will talk to him. Thanks for the comments.
Edit #2: I phoned him. I cancelled the movie, set clear boundaries and was upfront and honest with him. He hung up on me just as I was about finished, so I’ll take that as him understanding. Thanks again for the comments. Hope you all have a good day.
41 comments
> told him that bc I love him and care about him I’d like to remain friends and check in on him.
This is your mistake.
>I even agreed to go to a movie this weekend that we were originally planning on seeing.
This is another mistake.
>I didn’t want to say yes and hurt him more so I said something like “I can’t say what the future holds”
This is a very big mistake.
>Advice?
Stop talking to him. At least for a while.
You want to be friends with him, but this is not a human who can be friends with you, at least not for a while. You need to cut off communication for a bit and give him some space to process.
>I told him that bc I love him and care about him I’d like to remain friends
This is not going to work with this guy. He doesn’t care that you’ve decided to break up with him, he thinks he can manipulate you in to staying with him. You need to go cold turkey and block him entirely from your phone and socials. Don’t tell him where you moved to either.
>check in on him
He’s **10 years** older than you. He doesn’t need you to take care of him. It was weird and kinda predatory that he was with someone your age to begin with. How long were you together?
>When I was leaving he asked if it was forever and I didn’t want to say yes and hurt him more so I said something like “I can’t say what the future holds”
Say it’s forever or he’ll never take you seriously. Altho tbh, it doesn’t sound like he’ll take you seriously even if you do tell him it’s forever.
It sounds like this guy treated you like shit, maybe was even abusive. The last thing he deserves is for you to continue coddling him like this. Please stop.
Clean break, move on. Do NOT look back.
edit: felt the need to bold the age gap, which many other comments seem to be ignoring and seems very relevant here.
No contact is always best and doesn’t have to be forever.
By telling him you love him back, makes him think you’re still in a relationship. Quit while you’re ahead. There are better things waiting for you.
Stop lying to him. You think you’re being nice here but you’re leading him on.
You need to make a clean break. You aren’t helping him by letting him cling to hope and he clearly is still trying to pursue you and not be an actual friend.
It’s not appropriate to be friends with him. He won’t accept friendship, you’ll be leading him on with every breath.
I’m physically recoiling at all the horrible mistakes you’ve managed to accumulate in such a short span of time.
You’re BOTH acting like you’re still together. You reply “I love you” to his texts, you’re going to a movie with him this weekend and when he asks if it’s permanent you give him the impression it’s only a break.
I know you’re doing all these things because you still care for him as a friend and don’t want to hurt him, but you’ve got to reread what you just wrote and realise you’re giving him the wrong impression at best, or stringing him along at worst.
Do the right thing and communicate clearly to him that it’s over. It’s NOT a break, you’re NOT getting back together, the relationship is over and it’s final. Don’t expect him to “read between the lines”. Be crystal clear. And then go no contact. Let him know you’re going no contact not because you hate him but because it’s the only way the two of you can get over this break up.
> I told him that bc I love him and care about him I’d like to remain friends and check in on him… I feel obligated to tell him I love him back… I said something like “I can’t say what the future holds”
Stop doing all of this immediately. Whatever your good intentions, you can see that the result is to enable his self-delusion. Send him one last message saying that, on reflection, you don’t want to remain friends and think it’s better to make a clean break, that you won’t be contacting him again. Then block him.
Talk to a trusted friend or family member, let them know you’re doing this, and contact *them* in the future if you feel yourself about to try to talk to this guy again. Get a journal or just your phone’s Notes and write down some reminders of why you broke up with him, and refer to that in future moments of weakness.
You seem to think that leading him on and making him believe there’s still a chance and you two are just on a temporary break isn’t crueler than the temporary discomfort of ripping off the band-aid and being the “bad guy” for breaking up with him.
Stop jerking him around. Stop telling him you love him and justifying it in your head that it’s okay because it’s only platonically. Stop sending him mixed signals about “what the future holds.” You know he wants more, and you know you don’t want to get back with him.
For these kinds of break ups you can’t remain friends or in his life at all. Maybe in a couple of years if he’s gotten his shit together and you both have moved on you two can reestablish a platonic friendship. Trying to stay “friends” is just prolonging the break up and makes things messy, complicated, and painful for both people, especially to the one who still wants to be in the relationship.
The problem is as much the way he is acting like you’re still together and that YOU are still acting the same. If you can’t refrain from telling him you love him by text, do stuff that awfully look like dates with him and overall can’t put a single boundary in place then you cannot be friends with him, at least not for now.
> I told him that bc I love him and care about him I’d like to remain friends and check in on him. I even agreed to go to a movie this weekend that we were originally planning on seeing.
You’re sending mixed signals to him.
Break all contact for at least 6 months, then see if there can be a friendship.
He knows he’s in control because you’re still responding.
You literally are going on a date to the movies. Stop confusing him and block him on everything. Unless children are involved there is no reason to be friends with an ex
My advice is to break up with him, which is not what you have described in this post.
I would tell him you changed your mind about being friends and need space and no contact for you both to heal. At least 6 months in my opinion. I would tell him to treat the break up as permanent too and tell him he should move on. I would ignore any more messages from him after telling him that.
Yes it will hurt him but you have to rip off the band-aid. No contact will be best for him and you in the long run and will allow you both to move on. Maybe some day you can be friends but not until you both no longer have feelings.
You will most likely not be able to be friends again until you both start dating someone better for both of you. You may realize you don’t want to be friends either after you get a new relationship too.
Um…you’re doing that too, so…
Im friend with my ex, we get along great and do fun activities. However, we took like 6 months apart after the break up and only then, as single people, we established a friendship. I feel youre too on top of him when your mind just wants out.
you cant tell him you love him back. you’re either crazy, stupid, or not thinking.
Why do you want to have a friend that has a drinking problem and constantly treats you like shit? I know there are feelings there but it’s times like these where reason needs to prevail over emotion because yes, you care about him but no, you should not keep a person like this in your life. It’s not healthy. Also the age gap is concerning.
Go no contact. That’s the only way
he acts like you are together because you let him.
Cancel the date night you have with your ex, then go low contact
I’m sorry to be blunt but you have to grow a spine and say the things you actually mean.
Ouf no no no. Time to go no contact.
This sub might help : r/ExNoContact
You’re giving him mixed messages.
This is understandable, bc most of us are raised not to hurt men’s feelings for a variety of reasons, including safety. We have to be nice. We can’t be direct. We need to waffle and make them feel okay about us.
Your actions leaving him say one thing and your *continued interactions* with him say another.
The point of breaking up is that you are no longer enmeshed.
>I feel obligated to tell him I love him back
No. You are not obligated to go on dates, “friendship dates”, answer his texts, call him, answer his calls, have sex, tell him you love him, or manage his feelings.
“Letting him down easy” is not what you are doing, and it’s not doing him or you a favor.
If you’re really done being in the intimate relationship, it won’t work to have the relationship minus the sex/living together, call it “friendship” and act like everything is fine. He is confused. Maybe you aren’t ready to lose the emotional aspect of being with him, so you’re holding on to staying connected by being foggy and vague about your future together. It’s a mistake.
People *can* regain friendships after dating, when both people are extremely clear about what that means. But mostly, it’s often just booty calls, entanglements with their new partners (this is my best friend who is my ex and sometimes we go do date type stuff or cuddle), and leads to on-again, off-again whatever-this-is.
If you want to break up, use clear, direct sentences and repeat them as needed. Stop engaging with him emotionally.
“I’m sorry I was so unclear before. We are broken up now.
We don’t go places together now. We don’t go out to movies or dinner or clubs or the lake.
Don’t text me and I won’t text you
Don’t tell me you love me or call me babe, bc we aren’t together. I won’t call you or text you or tell you I love you or “check in on you” because we aren’t together.
Yes I said I want to be your friend, but that means continuing some emotional entanglement which I realized I’m not going to do. We’re not together anymore. So those lines are really blurry. I’m taking a step way back and that doesn’t mean you take a step forward. We are done.”
:Think about what you want, OP. And be clear, strong and direct about it, verbally.
Give this separation a chance to stick.
>Advice?
He’s not the only one who is acting like you’re still together. I think you should break up, for real this time.
You aren’t safe. Use the buddy system from now on. Stop contacting him. Don’t be alone with him. Stop contacting. Stop responding. You are still being manipulated.
By trying to be nice you’re giving him hope. Stop it. Don’t tell him you love him, don’t hang out with him, and remind him the relationship is over. Honestly I think you should consider blocking him.
You both act like you’re still together.
I really feel the need to mention, though- he is 33 years old. He does not need to be checked on or coddled. He is using your kind nature to manipulate you back in to a relationship.
Please cut ties with him and be done with it. The more you continue to talk to him, the more he will pressure you in to getting back together.
His behavior isn’t surprising given yours. By not being straight with him that you’re done for good and by continuing the “*I love you*” thing, you are giving him the false impression that the relationship is salvageable. If you are truly done, you need to stop and be honest.
This is why he’s dating someone 10 years younger. He knows you’re very naive and think you need to be a people pleaser and a caretaker. It’s time you cut him off completely because you’re still his girlfriend, you’re just to naive to realize it. He’s a grown ass man who doesn’t need a young woman checking in on him. It’s always a bad idea getting into a relationship with an alcoholic, once again something your age makes you naive about. Break up with him because in a few years you’ll laugh at yourself over how stupid you were with this breakup.
The age gap, the drinking and the mistreatment. Really break up with him, stop texting and going on dates with him. You’re not his mom or therapist. You’re only 22, so much life to be lived. Have you ever wondered why he’s with you instead of a woman his age?
Well first of all stop trying to maintain a friendship with an alcoholic who’s a decade older than you and treated you poorly, what exactly are you getting out of that “friendship”? Telling him you love him and aren’t sure you want to stay broken up is.. not exactly standing firm in your decision or communicating clearly to him. Block his number, you both need space. If you really want to be friends with an ex it takes months or years of not communicating to truly get over your feelings and be able to come back together in a platonic way, you can’t go from dating to besties overnight and then be confused about his reactions to you keeping plans for date night and saying you love him.
He is 10 years older than you and treats you like shit and is a drunk. He is pretty comfortable with who he is and the reason he’s dating a 23 y/o and not someone his age is because no one his age will put up with his loser shit.
You shouldn’t either.
You ALWAYS go no contact for a while after a breakup. Even if it ended well.
Because you’re enmeshed in each other, and any connection is a lifeline for the relationship.
He needs to know it’s serious. But instead you’re showing it’s not so serious, and that he will still get the same things.
You need to stop communication and let both of you get used to what a life on your own is now
Which is probably going to be hard for him, and he might throw tantrums and lash out when that happens. Be prepared to block him. It’s not rude or awful, it’s following through.
Being friends after a breakup can happen after a time of getting yourself back, getting your own routines and being free from the relationship.
Then you can build a different kind of relationship on a different ground.
But frankly, he needs to see what he is like without you, and if he isn’t changing what hurt you and made you leave, I wouldn’t want to end up becoming friends again and ending up enabling anything.
Focus on you.
Time for clear boundaries.
He’s not confused. You moved out. You said why. He figures he can just convince you that never really happened.
You’re 23; of course you suggested remaining friends. He’s 33 and clearly extremely unhealthy and unkind; he figures that’s his “in”.
But you can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t respect you.
Drop contact. “It’s no longer healthy to continue to communicate. I wish you all the best”.
Block.
This takes strength. You have it.
First, this man is not only a grown 33 year old, he is 10 years older. There’s a reason why women closer to his age ain’t messing with him.
Second, he abuses alcohol and treats you like shit. You need to block this man and continue on.
Third, you need to block this man and continue on. You making plans to hang out with him “platonically” and telling him that you love him isn’t healthy for you.
Lastly, you both are acting like you are still in a relationship.
This man is trash, sis. You are too worthy to be treated like this. You already recognized this when you became fed up with it and broke up. There’s so much better out there for you.
>TLDR; ex bf still acts like we’re together
because YOU are still acting like you are together. Stop doing couply things with someone if you dont want to be a couple with that person.
lol what the hell are you doing? cut him off. you wanting “to remain friends” with him is a baffling, absurd decision to begin with considering the circumstances, and you’re still acting like his girlfriend.
You both need space from each other considering you both are not mature enough to maintain a platonic relationship. You as a younger person, I get, you’re afraid of conflict. But you need to cut him off.