Edit: it was brought to my attention that this post should ask its question directly, instead of indirectly. I posted this because after seeing how people talk about sex, as if there are recipes or flow charts and moves, i started to wonder if my approach is super weird. Surely sex between two individuals has to be tailored to the individuals? I jokingly called this a psa, but i really am seeking advice. I already detailed what my approach is below, but here is the question, much more directly: Is this weird, or abnormal, to approach sex like this? Am i putting too much effort in, am i overthinking? Am i going off on some kind of grandiouse pompous puffistry, here, or does this approach make sense? Its always worked for me, but i know ive been something of an oddball in a lot of my partner’s sexual histories. Is this a good way of viewing and approaching sex? Is it super out there?
This is gonna be a bit of choir preaching to some of you folks on here, but i see a lot of bad advice shared between less experienced folks. I see a lot of formulas and strategies passed around here for how to be good at sex, and in general, instead of being about being process oriented or about constructing good attitudes, theyre step by step instructions with arbitrary times for things and they assume a lot of stuff that shouldnt be assumed.
A lot of the ones i see about having sex with women are super focused on ultra long foreplay sessions (and never mention that foreplay can start with fucken *taking*) and essentially a spa visit, before making them cum before anything else happens.
Heeeeeeeres the thing about that, folks. Not everywoman has an orgasm and wants to keep going. Not all women can have multiple orgasms. Not all women enjoy long foreplay. Not all women want to be catered to or pampered before sex. Do you know why this is?
BECAUSE WOMEN ARENT A MONOLITHIC HIVE MIND. Everyone is an individual. You wanna know how to please your partner? If theyre experienced, *ask em*. If theyre not, build a safe space and be there, supportive- like, for the exploration process. Be present and pay attention! Communicate!
Thats not just for women, not all dudes are into the same stuff either. Once again: individuals.
You want some general tips?
>*again* communicate (when youre discussing sex, do so during sex and also when you arent having sex both)
>Dont assume you know what somebody is into
>support isnt pressure, and pressure isnt support
>its ok to swap between leading and following, it doesnt mean anything about either one of you.
>be present and observe reactions, and the absence of reactions
>your partner’s pleasure isnt about you, for good or bad
>Your ego isnt your friend during sexy times
>experience is a guide, not a set of ironclad rules
>everyone is different
>Aftercare is appreciated more often than not
> your insecurities are not a license to be a jerk
> check in occasionally with each other. This can still be sexy (“you like that?” etc)
> orgasms are great, but are not the end all be all of sex, and putting a lot of pressure on achieving them can ruin even good sex
At least this is how I see it. Maybe im wrong?
What do you think, reddit? What would you add to this list? Anything you would remove? Am I completely off base here? Is this all bullshit?
Edit: thanks to u/Average-Joe78 in the comments for adding that this also works with the same partner, to address different moods and needs, different vibes. This is an “every time you have sex” approach, not just an “everytime you have a new partner” approach.
edit2: thank you to u/jenkinsonfire for reminding me of a big one! That is: Feedback is important! Let folks know what is workin for you! Ask what’s working for them!
esit again: thanks to u/nueunono for kind of distilling a good point about when to communicate!
36 comments
This the most important info about all parts of relationships, each person is different and has different wants/needs.
Great post
Great post!
I feel like at this point people don’t know HOW to communicate. I get it, it’s something that you have to practice. People don’t talk about sex often enough with their partners. Make a shared Reddit account or something so you can see what each other is into. Do one of those kinky quiz to see what you like and don’t like.
Relationship in general is about give and take. She’s being open-minded and doing something you like? You need do the same as well. When Igot into bratting & punishments with my bf, we legit sat down and wrote a T chart on a piece of paper. Here’s what I love and you can do as a punishment….here’s what I’m not sure about but you can push my boundaries…and here’s what I don’t like and please don’t do it.
Preach!!! Being good at sex requires being good at communicating and more importantly, listening.
Thank you. This is why I hate advice threads where the obvious solution is communicating and talking to your partner(s). All the advice you get on how to please somebody is gonna be exclusive to the person giving the advice, a person who knows nothing about the person you’re fucking
Now you’re doing things in bed that someone from Reddit likes likes with no green light from person right in front of you
You are doing god’s work. As someone that has never had sex before nor had a girlfriend before, I would say this is an excellent tip. Thank you my guy
I agree, my perception of having sex since I lost my virginity has changed alot. You read about these guides on internet that help you but alot of them rely on communication between you and your partner for the best sex.
communication is key, if you think that’s unnecessary then your partner will NEVER be satisfied!!
This is the best advice about sex I’ve seen posted on any SM platform. There are a lot of people who need to read this.
My husband asked my to explain once when we were dating and I said he was the best sex of my life. I said, “Because you listen to my body and alter your behavior based on my reactions.” He was stunned that was abnormal. And in all reality, for me, it was. Men seem to think they need “moves” or techniques when all it really takes is listening, communication, adaptation and a genuine interest in giving pleasure. Great post!
This is right on. I used The Standard Formula for many years and it worked just fine most of the time, until I (64m) met my wife (67f). We were in our mid 40s. The first thing I had to learn was that her clit was super sensitive, so I could never touch or lick the head directly, it always had to be through the hood. That took me a while to unlearn. Then I learned that she doesn’t like to cum first. She loves PIV but can’t cum from it, rather she regards it as foreplay for her. She doesn’t care all that much for traditional foreplay, she pretty much just wants me to fuck her and cum myself. Then she’s all warmed up so I rub her clit (carefully, through the hood!) to orgasm. So foreplay is mostly for me to get hard and turned on enough for PIV.
I’m kinda embarrassed to think how long it took me to really do it all the way she likes it. I guess old habits die hard. But it sure was worth the effort!
The most important part about good sex is empathy. Connecting with your partner and being aware of their pleasure, their desire, and the ebb and flow of their body.
Totallybagree with you. Media sells us the idea of “Cosmopolitan” articles about how to please your woman/ man as if there was a recipe to do it and people forgets the importance of a good comunivation and being a good “reader” to the other person body and reactions.
Even the same person doesn’t want always the same kind of approach, sometimes we need more closeness and intimate sex, sometimes something more primal and animalistic. You need to be able to express your desires and adapt to your couple.
OP fucks.
Thank you! This is so on point.
I would also add: Don’t make a laundry list in your head of things you want to do. Go with the flow, especially the flow of your partner’s desires. There will be another day to do that thing you are horny to do.
This post is amazing and totally on point. I will take the constructive criticism and attempt to tailor advice more broadly from now on. Sometimes I forget that I’ve been with the same woman as long as some of you have been alive.
Some women don’t like foreplay and prefer not to orgasm. Hard lesson for a guy who made perfecting his “O” game a life goal
I generally agree with your statement, but I think we can all agree that there are some normative frameworks to work off of. Generally, women like foreplay. Sometimes, some women need longer foreplay then others.
I have no problem sharing normative things, as long as it’s understood that there’s no hard rules. I think your post comes of a bit antagonistic to those normative things more then you probably intended it to be.
Generally, people treat you like you treat them. The golden rule even applies to the bedroom.
But there is still something special about being told I have the best stroke game a girl has ever had
Being good at sex requires open and honest communication …… You need to be open and comfortable with discussing what you’d like and what you’d like to try ……. More importantly it’s listening to your partner also …… Tis’ better to give then receive 🤗
Post begs the question: how many partners are they tailoring to? 😆
Yep, you nailed it.
Good sex to me is sex where you pay attention, be honest, be open and be caring. So yeah, different sex acts for different people because people like different things. If you’re paying attention, you should notice that someone isn’t having a good time, and care enough to try to make it a good time for them by asking what they want you to do or just touching them in different areas and seeing what they react well to. And asking them beforehand what they like is always helpful.
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Mods should pin this post
Another ‘no shit, Sherlock’ post
Whaat?! But I do “The Move”!
🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
Wise words and something that should be taught in school!
It also means you het lots of practice
Preferences and what works/doesn’t work is different for everyone
Of course listening and adapting to the other person’s needs is the key to being good at sex
I’m just surprised that there are people out there who don’t understand that because I always assumed that was common sense
I usually just beat that pussy up until she taps out….
Also works for men too. Don’t forget us. We also want pleasure. It’s not all about the women in the situation. We aren’t a monolith. We need to be asked what we want.
👏🏽👏🏽
Good post. While there is a quite a bit of “bad” advice out there, I think a lot of the “incomplete” advice can boil down to repetition and overload.
I’ve been trying to give comprehensive, straight-forward, and honest advice for a while now and a good comment can take a lot of energy. Then you see the same questions – over and over and over. I don’t have time for a huge response every time, so some steps might get skipped.
It’s like putting a band-aid on a hemorrhage giving common sense sex advice around here sometimes. I might as well just save my energy, write it all down once really well, and do that book…