Am I wrong?

49 comments

  1. Are you Dan’s wife? Who’s Gabe?

    Why are you both so hostile to each other?

    You can just feel the unspoken tension in every message.

  2. I think you and Dan need to talk in person and not via text. Cool down in the pool and let him watch the kids for a bit. Once the kids are occupied or asleep, talk to Dan. Your text came off as passive aggressive. But tone can be very tricky via text.

  3. Guys try to fix stuff. He’s trying to help, but he feels like his effort is getting blocked. However, you don’t actually want the help he’s trying to give right now.

    Kids are draining. I get it.

    Try this: “Can I vent to you for a sec? I don’t need a solution, but I don’t have an adult to tell this to right now.”

  5. If you are the green, then I think you are wrong. White seems to be trying to help but you do keep countering with a complaint. It might have just been the way things come out in texts. Also who is Gabe?

  6. You do understand that sometimes they just want you to listen. Not trying to solve things but just listen to what they are saying.

    I understand this as a problem solver myself. I am trying harder to not jump in and try to solve, but listen to what she is saying.

  7. Who is Dan? Who or what is Gabe? Child, overly attached friend or parrot? More info needed. And you just both seem a bit tense, can’t make much progress if you’re both guarded.

  8. Whoever is green needs to spell it out. Do they want help and fixing or just to be listened to and validated. Sometimes we get to into trying to fix things when all the other person wants is to be listened to and commiserated with.

  9. Yes you are wrong. He heard what you were saying and wanted to help. If you didn’t want help and just wanted to vent, you could have said that. It didn’t seem like that was the case.

  12. If you’re the green, then YUP. Gotta chill out. It’s good to acknowledge your feelings, but when you let them control what you say/ what you do, that’s an issue.

    And the whole “wth” bit is just asking for a fight. If you believe that they are concerned you are starting a fight, then say that without any emotionally charged words. You could have responded with, “I am sorry if it seems like I’m starting a fight. I am not. I’m just telling you how I feel.”

    Also. You wanted to chill in the pool, but they are out there. Okay. So either find a different chill spot or voice your issue without complaining.

    “Hey, I was really hoping to chill outside at the pool alone because I’m feeling anxious. Would it be cool if you guys came inside in about 30-40 minutes (or whatever time frame) so that I can do that?”

    It communicates clearly what you want. It’s a bit of a compromise so that you both can use it. It communicates how you’re feeling. It’s not emotionally charged. It gives him direction on how you want to do things.

    If you can’t ask for things in your relationship clearly, it’s gonna cause issues.

    Good luck!

  13. No matter the solution, you were unhappy with it.

    This whole approach feels like you were both on different pages. You wanted to express a feeling and play victim (yes, you did, with your whole “should have known better”. That was passive-aggressive af), while Dan was trying to find a solution.

    Either express your intent for what you expect from the conversation (listening, advice, problem solving), or stop starting fires then wondering what went wrong.

    You were defensive, passive-aggressive, started getting upset, then more upset when the person on the other side matched your energy.

  15. I see that he is doing his best, and that should be acknowledged, but I can also understand you being very drained by constant talking… we set that boundary with my stepdaughter when she was 3, and it helped tremendously.

    A simple, “I need 5 minutes of quiet time, go play by yourself for a little bit please” goes a LONG way. Set a timer. When the timer goes off, engage in conversation. Repeat when overwhelmed.

  16. So in situations like this me and my husband say :
    “Do you want advice or do you want to bitch?” (Say vent/complain whatever word makes you feel comfy). That tells us what the other needs from us at the moment. We are both fixers so it took us a little bit to work this out.

  17. I’m assuming this is husband (white), wife (green), and son (in texts). If you’re correct and you’re green, yeah you are wrong. The only complaint I could possibly have about him is that he offered a solution instead of just hearing you vent, but your reaction was disproportionate, and you could have also responded with something like “nah, I don’t want that now, I’m just looking to be validated for what I was feeling earlier.” He clearly doesn’t know what you want because you didn’t tell him, so he offered something nice to you. He probably said he doesn’t want to argue because these conversations frequently turn into arguments and he’s not wanting that to happen again. He could have put it better, though. You guys need to work on communication and you probably need some kind of therapy or at lest a regular outlet to help you cope with having a chatty child.

  19. it sounds like you feel guilty for wanting a break from Gabe for a little while and Dan offering a way for you to take a break for a while makes you feel even more guilty. as a young stepmom to a toddler I UNDERSTAND. i do the same thing. the important thing is you know you love him and Dan knows you love him. Try to understand that this is Dan trying to help. Don’t feel guilty, just let him stay inside with Gabe and have fun in the pool alone. we all need alone time. I understand your view %100, but Dan is just trying to help you and you should try to accept it without making yourself feel guilty. We all need breaks from loved ones sometimes 🤍

  20. If you are the green, you should really go to therapy. If Gabe is your child, you should really go talk to someone because it’s not normal to feel that way. The gray text sounds like they are just trying to support you. What exactly were you looking for?

  21. If your partner offers you to help take the kids for a while then take it.

  22. What is wrong here is that he’s not also using an iPhone. I mean, he’s your husband and isn’t using the same phone OS ecosystem as you? Your text bubbles to your spouse should be blue.

    /s, somewhat

  23. may I suggest noise canceling earbuds? let everyone know, I’m gonna take some quiet time for myself and put in your noise canceling earbuds, pick up a book to read, and ignore everything else.

  24. If I’m interpreting this correctly, you wanted some quiet time in the pool but your kiddo followed you out there and seized the opportunity to swim, thus ruining your quiet time. So you text your husband to let him know, and he offers to hang out inside with the kiddo so you can relax in the pool, but you declined this because you would feel bad?

    If so…

    I think where you failed was not telling your husband what you needed up-front so that he could make that happen. Could you have asked him to distract the kiddo inside so you could sneak out to the pool and get some quiet time for a bit? If so, this whole exchange could have been avoided.

    As some others have said, this comes across very passive-aggressive. You need to be direct… I talk to my daughter about this all the time. Instead of expressing a complaint or a problem and wanting someone to do something about it, just say what you need or ask for what you want. Or if all you want to do is vent, let him know that you don’t need solutions and just need him to listen to and validate how you feel.

    The part where you declined his offer to keep an eye on your kid while you swam sounds like something I would have said/done in my 20’s. I would get upset that my needs weren’t met up-front without me asking and when someone would try to make it better upon my complaint, I’d figuratively cross my arms and dig in my heels and refuse. To me, the damage was done and I was mad and that was that. Looking back, it was a very unhealthy way to communicate.

    Your partner seems at least somewhat supportive. I think in this situation it wasn’t clear what you were needing and perhaps if he knew, he would have responded the way you wanted. It’s good to revisit these situations after the emotions have subsided and then talk them through. Let him know what you needed in that moment and let him help you figure out a way to express it in a way that he will hear and know what to do.

  26. I’ve got 4 kids and I have no problem asking for and getting silent time. Idk how old Gabe is but it sounds like he’s old enough to understand that mommy would like a few minutes of alone time while he plays quietly in his room. Timers can be helpful.

    Also, I’m a fixer like your partner. Definitely helps when people communicate to me that they just want to vent but I’ve also started asking people “are you looking for solutions or do you just need to let this out” and it helps both parties a lot. I would offer your person that suggestion.

  27. Not only are you wrong but you’re annoying too smh you literally deflect everything he says. And who’s gabe? Lol

    Also who gets stressed over a cannon ball

  28. You’re wrong. He wasn’t trying to argue with you. I’m assuming this is *your child* you’re complaining about? It’s okay to need a moment for yourself but ultimately you’re a parent and you have to deal with your annoying kid without being resentful and mean.

  29. I see one person venting and the other initially being considerate. “I will not be drawn into an argument” is where this interaction went south.

  30. If you’re green, yeahhhh, you should chill. You have lots of complaints, want no help, and are essentially venting to your H about himself. Ouch.

  31. YTA & NTA

    I can see both of your sides and text is misconstruing what y’all are trying to say to each other. I do think that you are being presumption in assuming they can read your mind and know that you need some alone time. You need to communicate that in a way they can understand. I may have missed if that was apart of the context, so I am sorry if I am poking at the wrong thing here.

    You seem really stressed out. Since he wants to fix everything, ask him for a foot rub, maybe a back rub?

    We’ll wishes!

  32. The person in the gray sounds more level headed. Latch onto that man for dear life

  33. What this needs is the TRIFORCE OF COMMUNICATION!

    in any interaction a person could be doing the following with their SO
    1. Just telling you something. No need to respond but understand this is why I might be acting funny
    2. Seeking validation or understanding — you might just want to be heard and told your feelings are valid. We use ‘that sounds hard’ or ‘that sucks’ would you like a hug?
    3. Looking for advice— you actually want a solution from your partner or help in weighing options to come to a solution.

    This is just miscommunication. The foundation is strong just be more clear what you need from the interaction. It might feel transactional but it’ll skip the fight and it might just make you both feel more connected.

  34. The “I should’ve known better” and “WTH” comes off passive aggressive and argumentative.

    White realizes they messed up Greens alone time and is offering solutions to make it better.

    Instead of considering those solutions, Green goes in circles without communicating “I’m not looking for a solution, just looking to vent” so White assumes a different solution is needed and/or that Green is just trying to start a fight.

    Green comes off a bit petty and immature.
    People can’t read minds, communicate your needs and move forward.. your spouse is not the enemy.

  35. The way I read this is white is trying to help and perceives green’s comments differently than green means them. I can read green as not fighting, just venting but when white is actively trying to provide what’s needed and green is not jumping on the offer, and then continuing to complain about the kid, it starts to get a little off putting.

    Both sides can communicate better. Green should jump at the opportunity and quit with the I feel bad stuff. White should recognize green doesn’t need a lesson on why the kid acts the way he does and that something can be innocent and annoying.

  36. Which one are you. The anxious person sounds incredibly difficult and the person responding is showing far more patience than I ever could.

  38. He’s trying to help but you are just venting. Some people just don’t know that they just need to listen. Because he’s trying to help and you’re rejecting it, he is getting frustrated and saw it as an argument. When he brought that up you got surprised and really defensive. I actually don’t think you’re wrong, as in, there was no argument there. There is miscommunication though.

  39. You both suck in this situation, IMO. If you need quiet time, don’t play the victim because you didn’t communicate what your plan was so your husband could support you in it. Sneaking out to spend quiet time never works with kids, they have mom radar. Ask unapologetically for what you need and don’t feel guilty for taking it.

    Your husband can’t possibly anticipate all of your wants and needs, he was trying to help but got annoyed because you weren’t receptive to it. He could have been more patient and not go straight to “I don’t want to argue” but I can’t possibly know what he was thinking when he went into defensive mode. If I were to wager a guess I would think it was because you use your anxiety to play the victim instead of communicating your needs (ie, “I just need to vent right now” and “I really need some quiet time and was hoping to go for a swim. Can you keep Gabe busy for a bit?”).

  41. I don’t see any argument. I see that green is overstimulated and explaining why but is clearly at a breaking point. Probably needs some validating and sympathy in their feelings because society tells us parents aren’t supposed to feel this way from parenting.

    To me this says green needs gray to take gabe out of earshot for some time each day- and the best
    Time is probably when gray comes home.

  43. You’re not wrong, but I see where he’s coming from because I was totally you for a long time. When my husband gave me permission I didn’t give myself, I felt like I didn’t deserve it because I was shirking or making someone else ‘do my work’. Some part of me was afraid that my husband’s immediate, uncompromising, cheerful willingness to take up the chaos for a little while was maybe not an act, but also maybe not as cheerfully willing as it seemed and maybe he secretly felt I was shirking. You can see how unfair this was to both if us. That man loves me and would do anything for me but I used to doubt him and worse, why I made him a party to that doubt in a less-than-constructive way. I grew up with a lot of neglect and controlling abuse, especially around chores and domestic stuff, so I probably have several bags packed around all this.

    The talking all day long really hit home because my kids are wildlife-show-narrators from the second their eyes open to when they fall asleep, which is usually also my bedtime. There isn’t a quiet minute in my day and I’m a super, super quiet person. But when my husband takes the kids out for an hour after work so I can *have* quiet, I always feel guilt. My husband doesn’t make me feel guilt. My kids don’t; Dad is awesome and one on one with him is great. It probably comes from all that baggage, and I used to line it up at my husband and essentially sabotage his efforts and mine for me to feel like an independent, functional human.

    It’s weirdly hard to say ‘Yes’. Yeas, please take the kiddo inside because I would LOVE 30 silent minutes in the pool- but you deserve it. It’s earned by your hard work during the day and your husband acknowledges that. Ask for it and accept it. You are enough and have done enough.

  44. Dan offered to stay inside with Gabe, and you said no. And he tried to offer some affirmation. What exactly do you need from Dan? Do you just want to vent? Whatever it is, you need to clearly communicate that to him. It seems like he wanted you to let him know when you feel anxious, which you did, but now, what do you need from him?

  45. It’s a classic case of miscommunication, as others have pointed out already.

    You want someone to listen, he wants to solve your problems and ease your burden.

    Easiest way to get about it is to be really blunt about your needs for a while, and then it’ll start to click for him.

    “Babe, I need help picking between these two things.”

    “Honey, I am STRESSED, can you just let me blab for a bit about my problem?”

    It isn’t fun having to be honest, but it gets better results than anything else.

  46. I agree with the person in the white. You are countering every suggestion with a complaint. Say it’s a vent and that you don’t want solutions & prosper.

  47. My super chatty 3 yr old drives me nuts and by the end of the day I’m irritable. I’m guessing this is an ongoing issue and I’m guessing no one validates your feelings about this.

  48. Next time he says an accusatory statement “I will not be drawn into an argument” just reply “I won’t be drawn into one either” and leave it alone.

    Also when you talk about your feelings, follow it up with a solution so that it doesn’t sound like you’re looking for it to be fixed. “I’m anxious about x, y, z but im feeling better inside. I like seeing you guys have fun”

    Both of you guys are bad at communication, but you can only focus on yourself.

  49. I don’t think anyone is wrong here. He thinks he’s helping by offering solutions and a new perspective. You need to tell him “Hey, I’m just venting here. I just need you to hear me and validate what I’m feeling.”

    However, I think you need to avoid looking to your husband to resolve your anxiety. It’s fine to warn him when you’re triggered or reaching your limit, and he *should* do his best to **help** keep your environment anxiety-free… but the keyword here is “help”.

    The rest is all you, babe. Find a way to get your anxiety in check. It really is no one else’s job to.

    It’s really rough on a partner to try and support and fix discomfort for their spouse but all their efforts are immediately shot down and nothing works.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like