Hello all. My MIL and FIL are your the type of Christians who only do things for others if it means they can convince them to become Christian. They know my husband is agnostic yet they have always tried to force him to go to church. Their other child is atheist yet they would only pay for their school tuition if that child went to church. this means they would periodically visit (was over 2 states away) and go to the church and ask members of that church if they had seen their kid.
My MIL only has one type of book in the house: the bible and devotionals. She only listens to one type of radio: the bible station. She only listens to one type of music: Christian music. She only watches movies that are pg-13 and have to do with god or Jesus. She has not had to work since she was in her early 20’s and she is now in her late 60’s. She gets mad if FIL watches any of our type of movies (we watch a lot of sci-fi stuff like Lucifer or Grimm). She’s they type to say that God should be fixing her health issues so she, like clockwork, stops taking her SSRIs (antidepressants). This is just to give ya’ll an idea of what type of religious individual she is.
FIL is almost just a religious. He claims she is the only person he has slept with, that people grow up wrong if they only have one parent, gays are disgusting, etc. He also placates MIL on every single damn thing. He does and says whatever she wants so her mental health issues do no arise.
When I first moved in, I had to agree to go to church. Originally, I we were only going to live there for 6 months. I thought, “No big deal, I will have my exam done by then and we can move out.” I was so so wrong. MIL’s mental health issues arise, she ends up with bipolar disorder, and then lashes out at everyone and does some scary things (the psycosis part of her depression). This has caused my mental health to decline, so I wasn’t able to focus as well as I should have. Also, our bedroom only has a little lamp and the AC/heating doesn’t reach our room, so it was very hard to focus with little light and when it was 82 degrees in our bedroom, until my husband found us a place to study.
Since he found this place for us to study, we have been leaving from around 8:30A-10PM. We come back at 10PM. They see us leave with our backpacks. They see we don’t get back until pretty late at night. they don’t care. neither of them work and they rest A LOT throughout the day, especially MIL. She has not had to work or clean the house since her 20s, when she first married her husband, who now caters ton her every whim. I mean, laundry can sit there for 2+ months before she does their laundry. So she doesn’t see that others DO need rest, not just her.
The time that they want us to go to church is from 10-12. This interferes with our studies so before we even tried to compromise and go to the earlier service(8-10). They let us go but apparently someone asked them where we were since they hadn’t seen us at the main service (the 10-12) so they forced us to stop going to the earlier service.
Keep in mind, since I moved in, we have had to go to church every Sunday with MIL trying to make us go even more and tried to make us read devotionals. My FIL gave me a Bible as a “present” and said for me to read it and he would ask me stuff, to which my husband told him I’m too busy. The last few months, my husband has been invited to go play some football on Sundays. MIL and FIL get mad and ask why he can’t just play another day. My husband told them that, unlike them, most people don’t force their kids to go to church if they don’t want to. My FIL told him to deal with it or tell the guys to move it to a different day. This all came to a head a week ago, when my husband said he needs to discuss something with them. We went out there and told them we absolutely do NOT have time to go to church. We are busy between work, studying, and volunteering. We are both going into health-related fields so our exam scores and GPAs are very important for admissions. We told them a lot of this stuff. They didn’t really say much of anything. The next Sunday, they did not bother us (HOORAY).
We thought things were finally good. NOTTT. Yesterday, after we left at 8 Am and came back at 10, after we did our laundry, after we cooked food to take with us the next day and cooked some food to eat that night, we sat down to watch a bit of our show and wind down before heading to bed. His father comes in and says, “If you have time to watch this then you can certainly make time to go to church.” My husband replied that we don’t like church like they do and people who are forced to go to church don’t actually like it. My husband told him we make time for this so we can wind down from the say to which FIL replied, “You can wind down at church!” My husband told him that church is not for winding down. I just got an offer for a new job. I start this job before I finish taking my MCAT (7.5 hour exam). This means I would be working full time and studying every day when I get back + volunteering + going to church. My husband will be taking more than the normal amount of hours at college in order to graduate earlier so he is reviewing now in an effort to make an A in these classes. How the hell do we get them to get off of our backs about church? We tried talking to them already. We told them just how much we have going on.
We already plan on going VVLC with them when we move out plus not letting them know where we live. Would it be a good idea to just get a letter saying how much I am going to get paid and start looking for apartments now? I genuinely think I will go beserk working full time, volunteering, and studying while being forced to go to church to “wind down.” I’m sorry this was so long. I know we need to get our own place but is there anything else we can do in the mean time to get them off of our backs about church?
Is this more than enough reason to decide to go low contact when we move out? Among other things, I think they just truly don’t give a shit as long as they are able to bring people to church.
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Tl;dr: MIL and FIL forcing us to go to church even when we explained just how much we have going on. We spoke to them and it worked for one week. Now, they are forcing us to go again. Is there anything we can do to get them to understand while we are still having to live with them?
13 comments
Yeah, LC or NC as soon as you are out of that house. In the meantime… Idk if you can do anything because you are living there and they coy kick you out. Although now that I think about it, I’d check if you have any tenant’s rights just to know if they try something, if it’d be legal or not, you might need it.
double down. Explain you aren’t going to church and never will, and shut it down more aggressively every time you’re asked. Just ignore them flatly to their faces if they so much as ask after a week of this. Watch what you want and do what you like you only get one life
No one can force you do to anything you don’t want to do But yes being guilt tripped or pressured isn’t fun but my advice which is blunt Stand up for yourself And tell them No we aren’t going and if they start talking more about it leave nothing wrong with setting boundaries then enforcing them
1. They sound insufferable. Going to church is winding down? Can I take a nap at church? Can I watch mindless tv at church? No so how is it winding down.
2. Since most people have given you really good advice and options let me propose a petty option. Make them live a day in your shoes, take them studying and give them a little quiz after wards to show them how hard you’re working. Then if you’re volunteering tell them good Christians volunteer and make them work (especially MIL). Then chores such as the laundry. Then ask go to church with them and see how much they enjoy that. Again this is just the pettiest option possible.
Something needs to give. It can’t be working or studying so maybe both the volunteering and church needs to be put on hold until after your MCAT. Start looking for an apartment or even someone with a house looking for a few roommates.
Spend whatever savings you have, take out loans if you have to, but gtfo that house as soon as you can. People say you can’t put a price tag on your peace of mind- there is very much a dollar amount that is “worth it” to spend to not have to deal with certain situations. That dollar amount varies by the individual and the stage they’re at in their life. With all you have riding on the next several months, it is absolutely worth spending a pretty high amount to ensure you don’t have a breakdown.
You need to learn to be assertive and stand up to them
Unfortunately it is their house so I would move out, I know it will be hard right now. If it is affecting your mental health and grades it will be a big sacrifice but better in the end.
Then go NC or what ever you decide to do. Best of Luck!
I’m going to come at this as someone in their 60’s who knows people just like your MIL/FIL.
**This is all they have**! This and fear of change. When all you have, from the moment you open your eyes in the morning until you close them at night, is this rigid, all encompassing, bitter life experience, you really have no problem forcing others to join in the pain. In fact, it becomes imperative.
In my experience, it’s worthless to fruitlessly argue. It’s best to just say “no” and walk away. Get a locking doorknob for your bedroom (very easy to install) and lock it every single time. If they knock, don’t respond. If they continue knocking, be crude and say “we’re getting busy, go away!” Seriously. Sometimes shock value has, well, value.
Clearly you already know you need to leave as soon as possible, so whatever you do is just going to be a temporary measure to save your sanity until you can leave.
Good luck!
Unfortunately, this is really a “my house, my rules” situation, as f’ed up as it is. His parents are extremely transactional, as you pointed out at the start. So as long as you’re living there, you need to start looking at going to church as “payment” for living under their roof. Consider this situation best best motivation for moving out I can possibly imagine. There’s nothing worse than The Christian Taliban. Good luck, and I’d be putting every ounce of free time and energy into getting the F out of that house and away from them.
Stop arguing. Stop justifying your decision. Just say ‘No’ and literally walk away.
Nothing you say is going to get through to them and you are adults.
You need to move out immediately and go NC. You two are grown, married adults and shouldn’t be living with/be supported by family anyway. Your in-laws shouldn’t be trying to control you but both of you should have drawn that boundary BEFORE you moved in, or better yet, never moved in at all, since I assume both of you knew what they were like.
Christen are so hateful