TL;DR: My husband never wants to have sex or any kind of intimacy at all anymore and I don’t know why. It’s killing me, I feel alone and single.
We’re both 26, together for 5 years.
When we first got together my husband had a high sex drive like me and I loved it. Sometimes we’d go multiple times a day. He also seemed like he always had to have his hands on me in some way. We kissed a lot, held hands all the time, etc. He used to tell me how much he just loved to cuddle like he’d be happy to cuddle constantly, and I was so happy and excited because physical touch is my love language.
Everything has just kind of stopped. I guess first we stopped holding hands in the car and places we went. I’m freaking crying as I type this… We don’t really kiss anymore at all except like a quick peck when he leaves. We have sex maybe 2x a month and I truly feel like it’s only because he knows I need to, not because he actually wants to. I ask him to cuddle all the time and sometimes we do for a few minutes but it’s just not the same. The fact that I even have to ask all the time and be turned down is killing me. I’m to the point now where I’m not asking or initiating sex anymore, it hurts too much to be the only one who does and get turned down all the time. I tell myself I won’t be a big baby and ask him to cuddle but I break down and do ask, but I’m close to not asking for that too. When he kisses me he pulls away so fast I feel like our lips barely even touch at all.
I know he knows, because I’ve lightly brought it up before. He always tells me it’s a him thing not a me thing. If that’s the case I don’t know why he won’t try to figure something out.
I cry myself to sleep a lot, more than I’d like to admit.
Maybe I’m just being stupid and immature but I miss all the stuff we don’t do anymore. I get that it’s supposedly common for things to get dull after some time but I hate it. We don’t spend near as much time together. I feel insanely alone.
For context we’ve lived together basically our be whole relationship. We have 2 kids, one is my first from my ex. With the new baby we have together, my husband will tell me how I’m such a good mom and everything and it’s sweet… But I feel like ONLY a mom. I feel like we’re roommates raising our kids together. We barely even feel like friends anymore to me.
What makes it all worse is this is how my ex acted when he started cheating on me with other girls. My ex is an awful person for other reasons, but if anyone here knows what it feels like when you found out your long-term partner whom you have kids with is cheating on you, then you know how awful that feels. It stays with you. I don’t think my husband is cheating, he hasn’t really gave me a reason to think that, but I can’t help but question that too because all I ever see is people saying that men want/need sex a lot. So either he’s just taking care of himself all the time or idk.
I’m to the point now where if I see a happy couple post on TikTok, or like any posts where a girl is talking about sex or her partner wanting sex all the time, I just feel like breaking down crying.
I’m miserably sad. I don’t know what to do anymore about it. If it weren’t for the kids I’d definitely rather just be single. I feel single already, not as a mother but as a wife/person. I love my husband so much but I hate feeling this alone and unwanted.
4 comments
I am so sorry where you are at . If you need some understanding shoulders to cry on check out r/HLCommunity . Tons of women and men there in similar situation to yours.
The thing is though is if you want things to change you need to push for the hard conversations and get him to put the effort in you deserve . Really only communicating has a chance to fix this. Couples counselling , sex therapist. You deserve not to live a miserable sexless life. That shit is soul crushing to some individuals.
Maybe visit the thread r/deadbedrooms. There’s tons of posts with varying degrees of similarities to your post.
First things first… theres 3 sides to every story.
I see alot of me, me, me… and nothing indicating you’ve tried to sit down with him and talk. In all of that text, you mention once that he says it’s a him thing and not you. Have you taken the time, made him feel comfortable and ask him to explain? 2 way communication (not just telling him your needs) goes a long way. Ask him what his needs are and if you are meeting them. Ask him what he wants and needs from you.
Remember that there is a huge difference between a need and a want.
Also, remember that alot of things change when a newborn is introduced into the equation. The two of you need to sit down and talk. And listen. As much as you have complaints about him, I guarantee he has complaints about you. Until the two of you communicate, nothing will get better.
@BadBrain03
Has he been drinking or using a lot of pot?
I noticed when I started drinking and or dosing more my sex drive crashed because my body was trying to recover always the next day.
Now using cannabis edibles with sex that shit is straight up fucking divine but has to be done in moderation (1-3x a week).
One of the big things to is to allow a restart.
Don’t ask for anything (I know this is hard) and allow him to become the instigator again.
As men it’s weird, a lot of us like the chase and like to be the ones to get it. If it’s offered it throws things off (Not always but this can happen in long term relationships)
Let the man feel like he is chasing you again, has to win you over and claim you again, but in a sexy fun way.
Maybe when the vibe is right (DO NOT RUSH THIS) ask him some fantasies he always wanted to try out! Let him know your open and ready for some wild ass shit.
And best wishes 🙂