I’ve lived in my own place for 1.5 yrs, and have lived with roommates/an ex since I moved out at 18. My current boyfriend and I have been dating over a year. We both work full time. I am almost done with AS degrees, and am applying to the local nursing school soon. I’ll have to take out big loans for the 2 years of apartment/living expenses.
Coming from an abusive family (I’m in therapy!), I had to grow up quick when I left at 18, and I’m really proud of where I’m headed. I’m a 4.0 student and a dental office manager. I know clearly what I want out of life- to own/create a healthy home, have a spiritually meaningful career, and become an extraordinary parent and wife. The last few years, I’ve developed strong convictions about my values.
I call my BF my guardian angel. He is romantic and sweet, and absolutely my best friend. We share fun hobbies, have the best vacations, he’s reliable and emotionally available, and we’re almost always together- either at his place or mine. He fixes my car and even helps me pay for my expensive therapy specialist. I really want to live together, I love him tons.
He’s only been out of his parents’ for a year, but is very responsible, tidy, and high functioning. His current roommates are messy and awful, and he always complains about them. He’s currently looking to move in with strangers in the next town over. He has a high-paying job, but he’s unhappy and wants to become an mech. engineer. He’s talented, but puts very little effort into college.
I’ve told him I’d love to support him through engineering school once I’m a nurse, we talk about marriage and kids etc. all the time. This situation upsets me because he complains about his roommates and work all the time, and would rather live with strangers a town away than move in with me. It seems like he prioritizes living somewhere with a garage for his tools over saving money/working less/going to college/supporting me. Having to drive to the next town over and having no support from him at home during nursing school sounds like a real bummer. How do I deal with these hurt feelings in a mature way?
TLDR; I’d love to live with my boyfriend, but he’d rather move in with strangers in the next town over. He’s not ready, and my feelings are hurt. How do I healthily respond?
15 comments
The appropriate response is to accept that he doesn’t feel ready to live with a romantic partner and when your feelings aren’t so hurt discuss what a possible timeline for moving in together would be.
Moving in together is a huge step and if someone’s not ready they’re not ready.
The mature response would be realizing that he’s not ready to live with his SO.
You can be disappointed but let him be, he’ll get there in his own time
Although i agree it’s very hard, you can’t let yourself take this personally or be hurt by it. Moving in together is a HUGE step for a lot of people, and it should be. And it seems like it is for him, too. I remember someone telling me once that in relationships, most couples are never really 100% at the same level until they’re engaged, and I agree with that (for the most part). One person usually wants things to slow down, or speed up, while the other is ok with the pace as-is. It sounds like that might the case here.
You have to respect his timeline and at the same time look at what he is providing you, and it’s A LOT. He sounds like an incredible person, so i don’t blame you for wanting him around more. However, there are a few things that stood out to me:
“It seems like he prioritizes living somewhere with a garage for his tools over . . . supporting me. Having to drive to the next town over and having no support from him at home during nursing school sounds like a real bummer.”
I don’t mean this in a rude or critical way at all, but you are looking at this from a pretty selfish perspective. Your primary concern is how this is going to affect YOU. You think he needs to be supporting you through therapy, through nursing school, etc. when it sounds like he already is–as you said, he’s emotionally available, pays for therapy, and you’re always together. Basically, you make it sound like his number one priority in life should be making you happy above all else.
I get that you’re hurt, but instead of looking at his decision as a reflection of his feelings for you, have you considered it from his perspective? He is open with you that he’s not ready; at this point, the only mature thing to do is respect that. He is showing you through his actions in every way he can how much you mean to him, and rather than focus on what he doesn’t feel comfortable doing now, a healthy alternative would be to stay in the present and focus on the amazing relationship you have now and let it grow and progress at a pace that’s comfortable for you both.
Best of luck!
He’s only been out of his parents’ house for a year. You’ve been out for four. He may want to spend more time making his way before moving in since he’s only had a year not under his parents’ thumb. Would you have wanted to move in with someone after just 1 year on your own?
Recognize your boyfriend is doing the mature thing. He’s not ready to move the relationship to the next level and was up front about it. It’s not just about having a space for his tools, it’s probably he’s only been out on his own for a year and wants to figure himself out a bit. You’ve had 4 years of living alone he’s had 1.
Im assuming you told him many times you want to move in together and all of those times he ignored it or said no at that point just let it be.
I’m sorry babe girl. About how to deal with the does emotions, do things you enjoy doing.
The worst situation for you is to have someone in your home that doesn’t want to be there. And sometimes that kind of commitment is scary. It is that next level fear before he’s ready and it would only hurt you more in the long run
A year is really soon to be thinking about moving in together, especially when he’s barely had any time living out of his parents’ home. All you should do here is tell him you understand and that you’d like to talk about it again in a year or so when his lease is up.
You’ll figure out the travel, and he doesn’t owe you live-in support during school, as nice as that would be.
You can’t force him to be ready to live with you. I wouldn’t worry about it until you’re at least engaged.
You should sit down and have a general talk with him and find out the reasons why he wouldn’t want to be living with u because in reality it would be easier on both parts. It would be a good way to know each other’s space and get to know each other more. That’s so cute that you call your bf your guardian angel (me too!)
What’s the rush? He is still young and hasn’t been out of his parents house for long, and this relationship is still pretty new. This is the age when people figure out who they are, and a big part of that can come through living independently. Respect his wishes.
Hey 🙂
I think you should have (a calm!) Conversation about it, so maybe you can understand his position better. Have you considered moving together to a place where he can have a garage? Does he have any insecurities about the relationship or co-habitating in general? Or is he just not ready yet (which is ok too)?
I can tell you that I was ready to move in with my bf before he was, and I’m glad we waited. He had some maturing to do, and now that he did, he was the one to ask me! We’re both very excited and happy!
Good luck with your relationship and life!
If he were to move in with you, one way or another, he’s locked into Marriage Lite. There are a few situations where a committed and/or married couple can go from cohabiting to living separately, but in most situations that kind of significant change feels like a step backwards and the relationship doesn’t survive.
> It seems like he prioritizes living somewhere with a garage for his tools
And why shouldn’t he? This is his time for living creatively! Let him live above a workshop, stay up all night tinkering with cars and live off nothing but noodles and engine grease! One of my most valuable living experiences was living in a creative warehouse for a year. I drank tea whilst bands practiced downstairs, I showered in what was essentially a concrete room, I would fall asleep to the sounds of all-night parties raging downstairs 4 nights a week. It was one of the best years of my life and taught me a lot about myself, but there’s no way in hell I’d do it now. You can do that kind of living when you’re 22, not really when you’re 26 or older. My best friend (who also lived in that place with me) said her partner once said, “Hey, I’d love to live in a van for a year,” and she told him in no uncertain terms, “my days of sleeping rough are over.”
Your guy isn’t saying no to living with you, he’s saying no to living with a partner. It’s not a reflection on you. Enjoy living alone a little longer. Once those days are over, they don’t come back.
Sounds like a good relationship- there are any number of reasons why he might not be ready, from less mature ones (my tools!) to totally valid ones, like maybe he loves how great you guys are right now and doesn’t want to change things yet, or maybe he wants more time on his own without his family. It is the correct thing to do not to move in if you’re not ready- that doesn’t mean he loves you less. I also think it’s ok for your feelings to be hurt- it’s hard not being on the same page. The difference is, this isn’t something insurmountable- if one of you wanted kids and the other didn’t, that’d be incompatibility. If one of you wanted to move in and the other said they never would, that’d be incompatibility. It’s not that, it’s just “not yet”.
That being said, address your valid issues. He will live further away while you go through the very busy and draining time that is nursing school. You should talk to him beforehand together about managing expectations on both sides- you’ll see him less, you’ll have additional financial stress, all that. That sucks for you, and is one of the reasons you wanted to move in together. You’re happy to respect his decision until he’s ready for it, but at this phase in your lives, maybe if you discuss with him what it’ll look like then you’ll be more comfortable. Compromise makes the dream work ya know? Like we still have (x) amount of days a week where we see each other, or (x) amount of days a month where you spend really good time together like a formal date. Maybe a promise that you’ll video call or something on specific days of the week and just know you won’t hang out on those days, for the sake of the distance and your schoolwork. Hammer out actual details so you feel prioritized, what the day to day things will look like. Just let him know how you’re feeling about how things. You can feel sad about not moving in, without blaming him for it, you know? Maybe even make up a list of things to say to yourself when you’re feeling bitter about it- we travel together and have a great time. He’s super supportive of me. He’s only had 1/4 of the time I’ve had living in his own. He needs more time to learn things hands on (as evidenced by his desire for a vocation rather than a degree) so maybe he wants to practice being independent and figure things out that way before moving in with me for the next 70+ years. We’ll have the rest of our lives together. He loves me.
You sound like a very mature, awesome person- a year or a couple years is a long time to wait, until you look back on it and realize how fast time goes. Things will work out, and if you remind yourself of that every time you start to get upset about the situation, you’ll be just fine
22 is young to live together. There’s a lot of life neither of you will have seen yet, and getting to spend more time alone and make good, strong friendships independent of your relationship is a great idea.
Also, if you really wanna marry this guy, don’t worry about a year. Til death do us part right? Even if you don’t move in together for another 5 years you’d be moving in together before many people have even met their future spouse. And planning on living together for the next 50 years at least
I live with my partner, but I lived with housemates for years before and I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. You become independent, learn better communication skills, and explore being self sufficient in a way you can’t when you live with your partner. Cherish the time you have now, it is a sweet spot. I would never want to live with anyone else again, but for those years I was in exactly the right spot to grow up, and it gave me skills to make the transition to living with a partner so much easier and more enjoyable.
Good luck op! Hope things go well for the both of you 🙂