Please don’t say anything like “Talk to your partner”- I’m well aware we need to talk. And I need help with starting and having an important conversation.
So my [F31] boyfriend [M31] of 11 months asked me to move in with him. I have been living with my parents to help save for a house down payment, while my boyfriend already owns his own home. You might think it would make perfect sense to move in with him, and I said yes at first. However I don’t think his house is a good fit for me. Once I reflected on our initial conversation about moving in, I feel like his place is basically a dude’s crash pad and not a home suitable for us both. Here’s the gist:
Pros of moving in:
\- We get to take the next step in our relationship
\- He said I can clean up the house and redecorate as I see fit
\- I get out of my parent’s house
\- He will cover most of the bills since my name isn’t on the mortgage or utilities
Cons of moving in:
\- The house is sort of run down – holes in the carpet, poorly patched holes in the wall and weird graffiti from the previous owner, overgrown front and back garden
\- My boyfriend is not a total slob, but is not very clean. For me it’s acceptable for overnights, but not long term living – and the initial cleaning/reorganizing of the house would be a big job because he has a lot of stuff. Also part of homeownership means spending time and/or money maintaining the home…so is that supposed to be my job when I don’t own the house?
\- Longer commute to work for me
\- No parking space for me, I’d have to park on the street because he has multiple personal and work vehicles
\- He has an indoor cat, I have a dog that is used to having a dog door that he can use 24/7
\- He hasn’t brought up specific move-in dates or cleared spaces for me…so does he really want me to move in?
TL;DR: How do I go about talking to my boyfriend about all of this without sounding super salty or straight up telling him that his place sucks? If I had my own home, I would feel bad if someone told me it sucked. But basically, I don’t see how moving into my boyfriend’s place would benefit me or my dog. It’s like nothing changes for him except he gets a live-in maid…? I want to be kind, realistic, and make a good decision for myself and my dog without sabotaging the entire relationship.
5 comments
I think your instinct is right, it seems like he has everything to gain from you moving in, while you just get more work. I get wanting to take that next step but I think he needs to make his space more welcoming for you to move in (ex: put one of his vehicles in the street so you have parking, make spaces for you and your dog, offer an amount he’s willing to pay for redecorating, etc.)
If not now then when? Try it, if it doesn’t work out move back with your parents. The risk seems relatively low.
>He said I can clean up the house and redecorate as I see fit
Honestly, made my toes curl. I worry at the framing of this: he knows that the place isn’t acceptable but the onus is very much on you to get it to a point that is tolerable. Strikes me as a pretty major clash in values and as you note most definitely has ‘maid’ vibes.
In fact I think it reflects the fact the list you put down there sort of applies to moving in with him at any point. Those points of conflict will likely never go away, with the difference being I’m guessing you plan to eventually buy a place and move there at which point, well, would you like him to treat your house with the same degree of consideration he does this one?
Just be aware compatibility isn’t just the fun stuff and getting along. It can be mundane stuff like how tidy you keep the house, etc.
With the pros and cons you laid out, I would not move in. Just the parking situation would drive me to insanity, having to hunt down a spot every day after a long day at work.
Also, you’re not building equity, and I would not even want to buy into this house. It’s time for the important conversation: Are you ready to buy a house together? Do you even want that? I’d rather buy my own house.
You can start by saying something like, “After giving it some thought, I realized that our living styles aren’t super compatible at this point, and the situation won’t be good for my dog.”
I assume he’ll want to know more, and I think he should be ready to hear it. You don’t have to be cruel about it, but if he wants to live with you in the future, he should know the truth. I’d focus on the stuff he can control over the stuff he can’t. Maybe fixing up the whole house and yard isn’t in the budget right now, but he should certainly hear that his cleaning habits, offer to let *you* clean and renovate, and lack of space for your car give you pause.