We have been together for 4 months but known each other much longer than that. I’ve noticed that whenever I try to mention my feelings about things, he withdraws. This means he doesn’t talk, he just goes on his phone or something, and sometimes it takes him a while to get back to normal, like a day or two.
We got into a bigger discussion recently over the way he spoke to me at an event we went to; he basically yelled at me then just left me there, because I was feeling insecure. I was really shocked to be honest. When I found him, I told him we will need to talk about this, it doesn’t have to be now but we will need to talk about it because I can’t just let things like this go. He didn’t say anything.
We eventually spoke about it, but it was mostly me talking. I asked what his thoughts/feelings were and he said nothing. It didn’t feel resolved to me at all. So a few days later, I asked him if we can talk about it through text because that might be easier. I feel like he has a hard time processing in person. He said yes, so I told him everything I was feeling. I really tried to be neutral, and word it carefully to not sound like I’m attacking him, but I feel like he took it all like I was attacking him. And now he’s acting different, and distant.
The first 2 days after this, we saw each other in person for a couple of hours or so, and there was barely any affection. I asked him in person if he wanted to talk about the text conversation, he said no. So I said ok, I didn’t want to push it. The last time I saw him, we spent hours together and cuddled, and I asked him if we’re ok. He said yes and seemed ok, but still not 100% back to normal. What gets me the most is texting. He is so distant in texting. He used to call me pet names and say he loves me, but he doesn’t do anything of that anymore. Even in person, I am the one initiating everything. I’m the one saying I love you first, or going to hug or kiss him. I’m the one initiating all of our hangouts.
We both have anxious attachment styles, and I’m trying really hard to be patient. I know he’s had issues in the past with people just leaving/ghosting him, so I’m trying to show him that I’m not going anywhere. I just wanted to set some boundaries. But honestly, this feels like torture to me. I’m so unsure of what’s going on. He says everything is fine but his actions say otherwise. Maybe I’m reading too much into it because like I said, in person he was mostly like his old self. It’s just more through texts. Should I not have had this conversation with him over text? Do I just need to give him more time? Should I say anything about how torturous this feels for me? I’ve never been in a situation like this before.
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TL;DR – boyfriend has been acting different/distant since I asked for certain needs to be acknowledged/met.
10 comments
These kind of communication has to be done in person to make it meaningful. It may appear there is past trauma is that affecting his viewpoint on this.
Relationships are two folds, and should never be one sided.
He sounds cold and toxic. You keep trying to discuss issues that are important to you and he just withdraws? Ignores you? Doesn’t show affection because you wanted to communicate your needs? All that barely 4 months in?
You can try one final “last-chance” conversation with him, but honestly I feel like there’s no hope here.
He sounds toxic and immature AF and I don’t get why you’re trying so hard to continue with him.
I would be utterly exhausted never ending talking about stuff like this. It might be that you need something he doesn’t have.
When you told him your needs, did that include telling him that you needed him to acknowledge wrong-doing and commit to not behaving that way again?
You’re not just being patient and understanding. You’re too afraid of losing or triggering him to state the *actual* problem plainly. The actual problem is not how you feel. This is not a just a communication problem you can solve all on your own by expressing yourself. It’s your telling him his behavior was unacceptable. He was verbally abusive and he abandoned you, in public.
If the relationship is going to continue, is it reasonable to expect some reassurance from him he will not do that again. If he has just listened, and not given you that, then you haven’t communicated what you need to and he hasn’t heard you.
Don’t get trapped into trying to “prove your not like other girls” to a guy who treated all the other girls so poorly they left him…
Why are you tolerating this?
Things should be much better 4 months in
4 months and he is treating you like this? No. Run now and find another bf.
Are you dating my ex-boyfriend? I’ve been where you are. Any time I tried to have a more serious conversation, I was met with silence. I kept finding excuses for that type of behavior, but it just got worse and worse, and so did my mental health.
You can’t fix this and he doesn’t want to fix it. It’s a tactic to get his way. Cut your loses, you’ll be happier for it.
> he basically yelled at me then just left me there, because I was feeling insecure.
I’m calling foul on OP because of this sentence alone; this is classic blame avoidance. Unless the boyfriend is legitimately mentally unstable, he didn’t yell at her for feeling insecure, he yelled at her for doing something she’s not telling us…if he even yelled.
And honestly that aside, I’m already sick of hearing you say you need to talk about that incident, it really sounds like you’ve been obsessing about this.