Differences in morals? Is there any hope

“He is homophobic I am not”

I F23 formed a connection with M22. Been going on for 5 months. As a person I never let anyone in, he was similar to me. After months of going back and forth with none of us admitting we wanted more, eventually he finally caved in and said he wanted more and to not waste more time. From there on we gave it a go. I still kept my walls up but slowly let him in. In every sense of the word I could see him being my future husband.

Nobody has ever made me feel that safe and secure before. He made me feel like the prettiest girl in the world. Despite my extreme body dysmorphia and low self esteem. On the outside I portray a very confident woman and everybody thinks I am, but I’m not. He is the first person I ever admitted that too.

Because of how we started to talk very back and forth and very casual and both acting nonchalant I never really thought this would go somewhere. So I didn’t do my usual screening to make sure our morals align. And by the time we made a go of it I thought he and I already had a good picture of what we believe in. Clearly I was wrong.

We had a discussion about where to live, he mention a country and I said no way. Women are a commodity there, gay people still go to prison. There is no way I would raise children in that environment. He didn’t see a problem because none of us are gay. I said that doesn’t matter, I would never live in a society that believes in imprisoning gay people. And what if we end up with a gay child, no way I’m putting them through that upbringing.

I don’t wanna make this a religious thing. But he said my children will be [insert religion] so they can’t be gay. After endless discussion it ended with him saying he would disown our child if they were gay. I said then we have nothing more to talk about. And that was it, I can’t believe it ended like that. Im honestly so upset and have cried more then I would like to admit.

Morally I know I can’t be with someone like that. But why am I still longing for him. Feeling like I will never find someone like him again. Sometimes I really wish I was a dumb pick me bitch that doesn’t care. It seems so unfair that just because I believe people can love who they want that I won’t get the love I want. I feel like I don’t even have closure considering how it ended. The one thing I hate is that I was always vocal about my view on gay people, even me being pansexual and talking about I could definitely fall for a woman. And he never said anything. Like what did he think that I would suddenly think otherwise. I feel used as hell.

I don’t even know what I want from this post.. maybe reassurance that I’m doing the right thing? Experience from someone who have gone trough the same? Maybe some comfort? I just feel sad and lost and no man has ever made me cry over them like this one has.

Thank you if you read this far!