Throwaway, sorry for the vagueness in some parts. Quick history: Wife and I are very happy in our relationship – we’ve accomplished a lot together and work very well as a team. No kids, great jobs, whole thing. There’s one blaring thing that has grown into something I fear will become even worse: her alcoholism. My wife and I have been married for a few years and her struggle with alcohol is becoming worse. She becomes a different person entirely. I don’t really drink, never have. I’ll have a few here and there or socially but it makes me feel like shit and I just don’t partake very often at all. There was an event that happened where she went out and then got behind the wheel and I had to find her (thank god for iOS location sharing) and get her home. She was completely out of her mind blacked out and being awful, even managed to smash into a curb and blow out two tires – it’s an absolute miracle she didn’t get arrested and no one was hurt. Possibly the most stressful night of my life.
She cuts her drinking down. Even stops for a while. But then the “only a few on weekends” starts. It didn’t take long for that to turn into a shit show on the weekends, and then tonight she got blasted and threw a blow at me that landed. I gripped her up until she calmed down (sort of) and she ended up passing out on the couch shortly after.
I’m so fucked up about this. The night she went on a blacked out joyride really fucks with me still. We talked about it and set some boundaries but I fear that I am dealing with something that I don’t know how to navigate properly or handle – this is way out of my wheelhouse.
I don’t know what to do here. Initial thoughts are both her seeking help for her addiction and for us to seek help to better communicate together about how this upsetting and why we are stuck at an impasse around it. Admittedly this os new territory for me and I don’t really know how to handle being with or navigate someone with an addiction. Perhaps talk about going to therapy together so that the feelings I/we need to communicate can be properly guided by someone who knows how to guide them. Also she will need to go on her own journey to get to the root of why she turns to this shit and why she’s rationalizing it in her mind as something less worse than the reality of it. Her parents were shithead drunks and I fear that unchecked it could turn into something that really puts a fracture in our otherwise wonderful relationship.
Where should I go from here?
Edits: clarity
5 comments
Addiction is an individual therapy issue. Not a couples therapy issue.
I’m seeing some signs that you are considering HER alcoholism as an issue you share with her. That is deeply codependent and unhelpful.
I am so sorry. She has the addiction gene and behaviors from both sides and she likely self medicating for whatever she is dealing with from past trauma.
She has to want to get help. I would recommend she find a therapist and a psychiatrist for medication. There are medications that help with alcohol abuse.
There are some subreddits for alanon- for loved ones of addicts. You can also find some help for yourself there.
Good luck to you both.
Cut bait.
It’s gonna hurt, but sounds like you’re in for a lifelong struggle.
Thank me later.
If she doesn’t want help than you have to make the decision if you want this to potentially be the rest of your life. You have to put your foot down and mean it.
This will only get worse. There is nothing you can do for her. She has to want to quit for herself if she wants to ahev a shot at getting and staying clean. Once a week therapy ain’t going to be enough for that. She needs inpatient rehab or intensive outpatient. But it has to come from her.
My ex quit many times but it was usually because I asked him to. He would quit just to keep me appeased and then restart a few weeks later. Longest uevquit without help was 13 month and it was miserable. He was still the same depressed tired guy but now without his one coping skill. He was a dry drunk white knuckling it. He started drinking again and i decided to just let it go until he hit rock bottom. Well I did before him and gave him an ultimatum. It only worked because he had come to the realization he couldn’t go on like that anymore and needed that final kick in the butt from me I guess. He got sent to rehab for 3 months (had to because of his job). We thought that was extreme but he needed every single minute of it.
Alcohol is only a small part of the problem. Addicts self medicate and so their underlying issues need to be addressed and dealt with. They need to learn new coping skills. True recovery takes man months at best. It’s a tough road fo everyone involved. There is nothing you can do for her.
Check out this [forum](https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/) , read codependent no more and look for the documentary Pleasure unwoven.
Learn about addiction and alcoholism and get therapy for yourself. Couples counseling won’t do anybgoos until she’s been clean for at least a few weeks.
If she doesn’t quit it will get worse. Soiling the bed was a lovely thing to deal with. She should never touch alcohol again. My marriage didn’t survive. I realized later that when I gave him the ultimatum I was really done but wanted to find him one more chance as we have a kid together. But my love for him was gone and it was all his fault. I was terribly codependent and covered his drunk ass for too long and always wanted to make sure he was OK at my expense. I didn’t realize how much therapy I needed myself.
Take care of you. You can’t help her.