Dating culture shock?

13 comments

1. Man in medium sized US city here. I wonder if this is your first time on OLD aka dating apps? It sounds that you are having a typical online experience like the rest of us.

   I believe since people on these sites think that they have an almost unlimited number of people to pick and choose from then they will behave as if there is always someone better/hotter. Their behavior based on this belief makes it so they feel they don’t need to focus on one particular person and put any effort into making a genuine connection.

2. I’m an average-pretty woman in a medium sized city who is physically in shape and has hobbies. I can confidently say you’re simply describing using apps, period.

   There’s a narrative on Reddit that women on apps are being bombarded left, right and center. That isn’t the experience of a lot of us, particularly after we aren’t in our 20s anymore.

   It is what it is. I’d recommend resetting your expectations for the quantity of engagement you’re going to get from most(yes most) matches if you decide to continue swiping.

3. Hey, 32F here in a big SoCal city! 36 is definitely not too old to date! Have you considered posting your profile for review on a sub like r/hingeapp?

4. Are you not getting matches or not getting dates? Depending on where things aren’t working out, your course of action would be different.

   If you’re not getting matches, than having your profile reviewed is probably a good step. You might also want to try different apps. Different apps have different user bases and this also seems to vary by location.

   If you’re getting matches but not dates, than it’s time to look at your interactions with your matches and try to see what’s going on. This one is hard, but there’s likely a bunch of things that happening, and it can be difficult to parse those. Focus in on the people you’re interested in meeting, and try to be honest with yourself as to why those meetings didn’t manifest.

   Good luck!

5. This seems fairly normal. Yes, being 36 as a “not particularly attractive” woman makes it harder, you’re getting weeded out by men who matched on your first picture and then when you send something they find something on your profile they may not like, maybe other pictures or something else (for example, on Hinge they can’t see your age until they scroll down). And sometimes it’s men just swiping right on everyone and sorting out their matches later.

6. Have you tried using Reddit for dating? I have found that writing a post as a woman and being very upfront about what you’re looking for has yielded good results. Whatever big city you’re in, there’s an r4r subreddit. Make a post on that, be accurate in your description of yourself, what you bring to the table, what you want, and start having conversations.

7. Try meet ups. It’s for singles or ppl just wanting to make connections.

   I’m from Cali and moved to MA. It was hell lol. Not for dating but to simply connect with others.

   The meet ups helped and going to live shows helped as well.

   In Boston, there is always someone playing live music. Hopefully your new city is like that, always something to do or see.

8. OLD sucks. Period. Nothing else to say here. They want money and it’s made to suck on purpose both because the app wants it to suck and because of bot creators trying to scam. Just keep trying instead of thinking of it like saying hi to a person think of it as putting a resume in. You will have to put hundreds of resumes in to get a job you want and that wants you right?

9. It sounds like a typical OLD experience. What’s the gender ratio in your city? Also, big cities tend to have more people that are only looking for casual relationships.

10. I advise not using dating apps. I think they are nothing but awful for mental health.

    ​

    But you do you.

11. >My profile is positive with a variety of photo types although I do try to keep my friends out of my dating profiles (is that just me??). I’m not sure how to navigate the world of dating as an unattractive woman in a larger city that seems to focus so much on physical appearance

    Without seeing your profile, the tips anyone can offer you is a bit generic. That said, a bigger city means more people and this can cut both ways. There is a lot more of the low-effort profiles and daters before you run into someone you think you might be compatible with. And that sounds like what you’re stuck in right now. You’ve got a glut of low-effort people matching with you and it’s gumming up your time.

    Obviously, you have to do whatever is best for you. But, I’d always recommend sticking it out because there are real people out there and that’s part of the human experience of wanting to find a genuine connection with someone. Online dating sucks because it, as you suggest, focuses a lot more on superficial aspects of people. That’s just the nature of the beast.

    However, like I said before, there are plenty of people out there looking for a genuine connection. It’s just trying to find that person through the sea of feces that’s a killer. Good luck out there, regardless of what you decide to do!

12. One of my tinder dates told me that his strategy is to get through the stack asap, swiping on anyone that looks remotely attractive, then sends out a short non committal message about hanging out, then shortlist from there. I try to be as polite as possible but also have zero expectations on OLD at this point. Go out have fun, and don’t take it too personally if you are being love bombed or ghosted, that’s just how the game works

13. I think you got a wrong perspective towards yourself, if you don’t think you’re attractive or sexy how do you expect the same reaction from people you want to date. Energy is everything. Your thoughts make your reality.

    Dating is tough especially in the 30s at least from you experience and if you’re actually legit personality.

    Step up with positive thoughts towards yourself and the rest will follow.