Hello Reddit, a couple of days ago I (19f) found out my bf (20m) had cheated on me (idk if most would consider it cheating). He had opened a chat with his close female friend who he’s known for years (she has a bf). However I noticed that a text said “now without clothes, to see if it’s true”. I didn’t get to see the image but just the text itself was insinuating he was asking for an “in appropriate picture”. I felt betrayed, and hurt. He explained how that’s how they joked around but I felt disrespected. He explained how it’s not what it looked like and that’s how they got along, and how he told her how he’s happy with me. However, she never responded to his text nor any after that. But I had none of that.
I really loved this guy. We’ve gone through a lot. But the more I kept seeing his phone, I just kept seeing more. Him commenting on girls stories how they looked good. And the results were the same, no respond from them despite him leaving several messages for days. I had expressed this issue with him before, and how insecure and uncomfortable it made me. He told me that those were his friends and that I’m trying to control him and what he does. However those so called “female friends”, never even bother to respond to him.
At the end, he asked me for another chance, and I agreed since I still loved him. But now after a few days, I stopped feeling anything. While he is trying to make things work and make up for what he did. The thought of breakup still hurts me but I don’t know how to end things or to work things out. I’m at a loss.
EDIT 1: I posted this last night and I woke up to A LOT. Thank you guys so much, and it’s a shame that most of you have gotten to experience this. I’ve read all of your messages, and it opened my eyes even more. I forgot to mention that I messaged the girl personally (the female friend), whether what he said was true. All she said was “He just said something dumb, it does look wrong but there’s nothing going on between us.” “He would never cheat on you, he would never do such a thing.” Oh. But he did cheated on his ex of 4 years (this happened two years ago). I’m not the type of person to judge someone based on their past, but oh boy I missed the red flag. Yesterday, I tried talking to him about it. And he said how he knows that he made a huge mistake and that he is sorry, and to not leave him. It broke my heart, and I just didn’t know what to say afterwards. It’s really complicated. Once again, thank you guys so much for the advice.
TL;DR: My bf cheated. We agreed to work things out but I no longer feel anything.
44 comments
Usually in a relationship, there’s an amount of trust needed for it to work. If he doesn’t respect your concerns, is it worth staying?
It’s egregiously inappropriate what he is doing.
>Him commenting on girls stories how they looked good. And the results were the same, no respond from them despite him leaving several messages for days.
Man, thats brutal.
Him messaging girls like this is cringe on its own…its even more cringe that they ignore him lol That might be part of why you’re so disgusted and detached at this point.
I dont blame you for being totally turned off.
I doubt you’ll return to normal as far as how you feel about him. He already fucked up too hard IMO.
If you don’t feel anything there’s no reason to stay. Also if you feel betrayed, is there any coming back from that? He’s not respecting your boundaries and he’s being a buffoon. Breakups are always hard even if they’re shitty relationships. But you’ll feel better I think. Good luck.
Loving him shouldn’t be the only reason you give him another chance. Did he actually deserve it through his actions or saying what he’ll do to deserve it? No. He accused you being controlling when you pointed out his inappropriate disrespectful behavior. Stop forcing yourself to be in a relationship you obviously don’t want to be in anymore. You checked out emotionally and understandably so. He showed you more than once that he doesn’t value you or respect you. Listen to yourself and love yourself more that his pathetic cheating ass.
Yup, you’ve entered the acceptance phase.
What he’s doing is creepy, tbh. Your boyfriend is one of those guys who sends creepy, unsolicited messages to women on the internet. Regardless of whether you think that is cheating, it’s still gross and disrespectful; not just of you, but as an attitude towards women. Personally I would not want to date someone who does that type of thing and thinks it’s okay.
You can always love people who suck, too. You can find someone who appreciates you more. And yeah, it’ll hurt, because breakups suck too. But you’ll be fine.
From experience I can promise you he won’t change, he’ll “behave” for a while and then it’ll continue and get worse. My advice would be cut your losses and find someone who actually respects you. It’s not worth the endless pain and his behaviour will erode your self esteem.
Love isn’t enough and you have to grieve for the person you thought he was. The real person he is, is someone you don’t know and have to relearn. I would seek couples counseling if you want to work this out, but from his general behavior, you don’t really owe him a second chance especially if you no longer can respect him as a person.
I dated a guy like this, he cheated on me with (and its no joke) all of his exes, but because I was deeply in love, I took him back. He kept commenting on other girls photos too, about how beautiful they are. I had no trust, the love faded, it was a waste of time.
Leave your boyfriend, he is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship. You will find someone deserving of you ❤️
You are very young and the situation may seem dire, but its actually not – you’ll realise this in few years.
There’s nothing to work on or salvage here. Do yourself a favour and end this relationship. It may be uncomfortable and you may get lonely for few days but that is way better than the current situation.
Soon enough you will get over this and move on.
Enjoy your youth to the fullest while you can with good people. Not people like your bf.
Goodluck and you got this champ.
Your boyfriend is several womens’ “creepy ‘reply guys’”. Time to take out the trash.
Doesn’t sound like he really wants a monogamous relationship. Cheating is whatever you feel like it is, if it makes you uncomfortable you can define it as cheating, and if he hasn’t stopped then he probably won’t and you’ll continue to feel shitty. You don’t deserve to feel insecure in a relationship, it likely won’t get better, you’re young, just move on.
When I was your age (and younger), I was in a similar relationship. My bf would comment on girls pictures and even texted some of them under the guise of being “like a little sister”. Little did I know that he was also telling them they were beautiful and that he loved them (as he said “in a little sister kind of way”). I found out by snooping through his phone and seeing that he would message them about going to parties with him (ones that I couldn’t attend) and would reminisce about cuddling after the parties wound down at the end of the night. I’m not sure if anything else happened but I wouldn’t be surprised.
I made the mistake of forgiving him but it never stopped. I always felt like I wasn’t enough. It destroyed my self esteem. I eventually broke up with him and he was devastated. I shutter at the thought of staying with someone like that. I have since found someone else who treats me wonderfully and doesn’t have inappropriate interactions with other people. There are people out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve. You don’t need to put up with this
If there is one thing I wish I had understood earlier in my life, it’s to not make excuses or hope for the best in others that I love. Believe what they say and show you, and don’t lessen your concerns. He’s not worth your spirit and youth.
Different people have different boundaries in relationships. You’ve made clear to your BF that you don’t like this behavior (which I wouldn’t approve of, either) and he’s turning it back on you. This is what my ex did, and she was a serial cheater.
I don’t feel that you can trust your BF, and clearly you don’t feel that you can, either. And “feeling nothing” – that’s what my ex’s cheating did to me, too. And that’s not something you can just shake, it sticks with you because a vitally important part of your relationship is now gone – trust.
Think of it this way – breaking up with him will be difficult, but staying with him will just be slow-burn misery for you. This will not go away and he clearly won’t change.
Best of luck – and do what’s best for YOU in the long run. There are plenty of men out there who will appreciate and truly love you, and won’t feel the need to tr*ll IG for other women.
Throw that man in the trash, where he belongs.
No joke, reading this gave me the exact feeling i had with my ex. He did the same thing and everytime would claim these are his “friends” or im overreacting, crazy, etc. (Even tho these girls barely knew him or even of him) super weird ‘simpy’ behavior.
It quickly became super abusive, he started gaslighting me so hard making me believe i have jealousy issues etc. when all of it really was on his side. It was the worst. And i couldn’t be more glad that i left this man FAR behind.
Even if your situation isn’t as severe, given how he behaves, shows that he will never change or see any wrong doings from his side. He will either keep doing it and hurt you, or he will and hide it from you. Either way, you are better off without him and youre lucky that you lost these feelings for a man like this. Cause otherwise you’d be left devastated.
I had the exact same story, but with me being 28 and him being 30. He won’t change, he’ll keep doing it. I held the relationship for longer than a year, after found that he was sexting some girl after we’ve been officially dating for about 2 weeks but have been together at the time for 3 months or so. At this day I went to his parents house to get to know the family, so that was the weekend. I broke up but broke up was more hurtful so I got back but I felt that he always had something happening on my back. Got crazy jealous, sneaking at his computer and phone, wasn’t being myself so one day I found that he had a inappropriate picture of a female called friend and I had it. A friend of mine told me early on that if I have to, I should waste all my feelings because he would eventually make me fall out of love and so he did.
So, if you need this right now, stay and see all the way but know that probably he’ll keep doing the same and with even less caring than now. He’s not a kid anymore, he knows that it’s wrong. Take care of yourself whatever path you choose.
you dont need him, sounds like he needs a gf while he’s shopping around for so there will be someone new to take your spot once you get sick of his shit
Women are attracted to men who have attractive women making themselves available but they have the self discipline to deny it.
He’s literally a scavenger. Run.
This isn’t going to change and is only going to get worse.
There are men who will enjoy your boundaries and uphold them with confidence and even joy. You aren’t controlling — he just isn’t confident and wants to deflect his own lack of confidence and ability to maintain respect and boundaries onto you. This is the starter ingredient to a narc.
Seriously, not kidding — run.
>He explained how that’s how they joked around but I felt disrespected. He explained how it’s not what it looked like and that’s how they got along, and how he told her how he’s happy with me. However, she never responded to his text nor any after that.
He’s shooting his shot with everyone woman who draws breath, and they’re getting seriously creeped out by him. Eventually this behavior is going to catch up with him and do you really want everyone looking at you with absolute pity?
And he isn’t even sorry, and can’t see what is the problem with what he is doing.
Sis throw the whole man away.
Not only he’s openly disrespecting you, he’s also sending unsolicited stuff to other girls making them uncomfortable as well. Also from this post he doesn’t rlseems to care about your boundaries and what makes you comfortable, ignoring your feeling.
You definitely deserve better!
He’s too immature for a relationship, doesn’t know what boundaries are or how to respect them. He’s destroying your self esteem and trust in relationships. Leave before you develop more issues that effect your mental health, maybe even for good.
The only reason why he hasn’t “oficially” cheated on you is because other women find him creepy and annoying. Run
The relationship is destroyed. You’ve lost all respect for the guy and there’s no turning it back. Once trust is broken it’s nearly impossible to fix it. Come on! You’re like 19! Why the heck are you wasting your golden years on this loser? There are better men out there.
OP, take it from someone whose been through this sort of thing (my ex gf). This shit doesn’t change, he isn’t gonna change.
Those feelings are valid on your part, and you’re far too young to settle. I was your age and settling with my ex. A year after it finally ended I began dating my now wife.
You’re dating, you’re not married, no kids with him, just leave. You don’t owe him anything. Say,
“I don’t feel the same for you as I did before this. 1 week, 1 month, 1 year won’t change my feelings. I gave you chances, and you dismissed them. I’m done being labeled as the bad guy, when I haven’t had any indiscretions. I’m not looking to fight, I’m not saying you’re a bad person, you’re just not the person, or partner, that I need at this point in my life.”
Or something along those lines. That’s more explanation than he deserves, or is required of you. Take some time for you, have fun, explore the world, live life. When you get to a place in your life where you are content on your own, you’ll find someone who is looking to build a life with you.
Good luck, OP
Duuude, break up. You deserve so much better than that.
I like the attempt to gaslight you, nice touch. How about no? He’s being creepy and disrespectful. Just no.
Let yourself feel what has happened. Better to feel the pain now than down the line when he does something like that again. It’s cheating yes, the bad intention and inappropriate behaviour is there.
A solid partner does not act that way. He doesn’t cover the bare minimum of boyfriend behaviour. Just no
Don’t waste your life with someone like this. Take it from me someone who went and had a baby with someone who constantly was disrespectful. I lost feelings just like this and sadly they don’t come back.
His “friends” also think he’s a creep judging by his multiple messages and comments they don’t respond to.
i know how hard it is since you clearly love him a lot, but he does not respect you for you to be with him. every relationship is different but if you’re not comfortable with his flirtatious nature and he’s continuing to do so, i’m afraid that the behavior isn’t going to change and it would be better for you to move on then to put yourself through a relationship which would be very detrimental to your self-esteem. take care OP
Any breakup will hurt a little, regardless. But, it sounds like things won’t return to normal because the trust is gone. The hurt you go through during the break up now is better than the pain of dealing with his repeated behavior.
I’ve been in your position a few times (once in a 6 year relationship and the other a 1 year). The second relationship I mentioned JUST ended (a few days ago). This is because he had cheated on me in December. I thought I could give him another chance but our relationship just ended up slowly falling apart because he wouldnt work with me like he said he would and him cheating on me just completely changed my perspective of him. He didn’t physically cheat but the fact of the matter is that he violated the boundaries we had in our relationship and that’s enough to be upset and question the relationship. I remember seeing texts from him to other girls begging to see them and they were like “leave me alone” which REALLY grossed me out like who am I to be in a relationship with someone that desperate? Anyway, my message to you is to just cut it off. There’s no use in trying to salvage a relationship when its obvious you guys are on different maturity levels. Its hard but you deserve to be respected and if you put up with that, you’ll always have doubts ruminating in the back of your head. I’m fresh out of this situation and I wish I had cut it off then rather than put myself through so much self-doubt and questioning over someone who is willing to mess with their partner’s well-being because they are chasing empty validation to soothe their own insecurities.
honestly theres nothing wrong with complimenting people but i only do it when my friends go out nice, even if they’re conventionally attractive all the time. i think there’s definitely a time for that stuff, and if i were doing the same thing as your boyfriend it would make my partner uncomfortable too. this isn’t about you controlling, it’s about him disrespecting your boundaries. he’s full of shit n it’s not worth being with someone who guilt trips you for crossing a boundary
Girl, you’ve got the ick. And the ick cannot be reversed. I cringed so hard at him leaving messages for days with no response. That’s such a turn off and like you said, desperate af. That’s not a man who respects you and he’s wasting your time.
Break up with him, its 100% his fault, i could never do such a thing to my gf, i love and respect her to much
You can’t really agree to work things out, you can agree to TRY to work things out but a lot of times it just isn’t possible.
Realizing it isn’t going to work even though you wanted it to isn’t your fault and isn’t something you should feel bad about. I’d just tell him I realized that thinks aren’t fixable, that you wanted to rebuild the trust he shattered but you didn’t realize when you committed to trying to fix things, that the betrayal has actually pretty much erased your romantic feelings towards him so there’s just no foundation to rebuild on.
It sucks that he wrecked the relationship but hopefully he learns something from it. It sounds like you have learned that this is truly a dealbreaker for you, which is totally fine.
You can do better than a guy who is beggy as fuck for other girl’s attention. This has nothing to do with how attractive or great you are so please don’t compare yourself to these other girls (if you are). It just means he’s insecure, immature and selfish. Don’t tolerate it.
Possibly the biggest killer of relationships isn’t anger, or frustration, or jealousy.
It’s contempt.
You’ve seen your boyfriend not just hitting on other women, but simping for Instagram models like a desperate loser. It’s extremely hard to get over that. It changes your image of the person. And if you don’t respect a person, it’s very hard to be in love with them.
Dude, you are almost there, you just need to break up with them. The feelings aren’t there so follow that. You deserve someone who is loyal to you
If you don’t feel the same, you don’t feel the same.
Maybe your ex will learn from it, maybe he won’t. Not your problem.
Next.
If you need validation for your feelings and boundaries to dump this guy- You have it.
There is no need to feel guilty about anything he may or may not be doing. There’s no need to feel like the reason for your hurt isn’t good enough. Even if what he did was no big deal (in my opinion it actually is) it doesn’t matter. You aren’t feeling it anymore and that’s enough of a reason.
You’re 19. 99.9% of EVERYONE’S relationship will fail and you have a 0.01% chance of meeting your soul mate. You pretty much will never meet your soulmate at that age. So I wouldn’t get all bent out of shape over this guy because this definitely will not be the last time you feel this way or be having this conversation and it was going to fail statistically anyway.
You don’t feel anything because other girls find him undesirable so in your view he is no longer desirable to you. He fucked up big time and now he’s going pay that price. I would suggest you end it as you’re going to waste your time with someone that you’ll never get feelings for.
He’s immature. Drop him. Save your feelings and your heart before it gets broken more.
You’re too young to waste your time with this trash boy. There are better men out there who will respect you and your relationship. The fact that he’s messaging other people like he’s single is messed up. Don’t trust him or forgive him!