34/M here. I met someone in the wild. We went on a date and it was good. I think she is very cool and am interested in her. However, I have somewhat recently gotten out of a relationship and just don’t feel like my heart is into dating again yet. I feel like I’ll probably get there in a few more months.
The gist of what I want to say to her is… “You are very cool but I am just not ready for dating at the moment, can I call you in a few months?” Of course, in the meantime she is free to live her own life and may meet someone else.
Is there a good way to say that to her?
25 comments
>”You are very cool but I am just not ready for dating at the moment, can I call you in a few months?”
You already said it. This one is perhaps just not meant to be, but no harm in saying what you wrote.
Read ur first paragraph to them of this post. Issue resolved
Sure you can say it like what you wrote, but honestly please don’t do that. It is absolutely fine to let someone know you’re not ready, but don’t tell someone something you don’t know if it’s going to be true or not.
Do you and take care of yourself, when you’re ready, you can reach out, if they answer, great, go from there; if they don’t, they don’t.
“Look, I’m sure you’re great, but this can’t be a serious thing now. I’m focused on things to be better and I can tell you right now that no matter how great you are, I’m not going to be able to put you first, second, or third. I’m in “me mode” right now and because you have your shit together I know you understand where I’m coming from.”
“Not now maybe later” keeps her on the hook potentially, which isn’t really fair to her. I think you just have to accept the L and move on. If I hear that as a woman, I hear, “Not interested.” and I move on.
I’d honestly be so annoyed if someone said that to me. It’s not very considerate to leave her on the hook, I know you say you want her to be free to live her life and meet other people, but the implication is definitely that she should be waiting around to see whether or not you decide to get in touch later on. It’s rude. Just tell her you aren’t ready to be dating right now. If you want to stay friends you can ask if she’s interested in that, but only do so if you actually want to be platonic friends, not as a way to keep her around for later.
Skip the “maybe later” bit. Don’t try and leave the door open.
The guy I have a crush on said this to me several months ago. I’m fine with that because I have lots of shit to get settled and sort out at the moment. But also, I’ve heard so much that ‘not ready/not now’ really means ‘not with YOU’, so I kind of just took it with a grain of salt and have no expectations 🤷♀️ so, she might move on, she might not believe you that it’s not personal… or it might work out. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with throwing it out there! I personally admire/appreciate someone who can admit that they aren’t ready even if they wished they were 🙂
Just say you enjoyed the date but are going to take some time to work on yourself but that you hope when your circumstance changes, she would be receptive to you calling again? That isn’t putting her on the hook
With my current guy, we had an initial date and then my life went bat shit insane. I was upfront that I’m backing out of dating right now and let him be.
He touched base now and then and we eventually went on that elusive second date about 4 months later. Still going strong 3 months in.
So no advice really, just that if someone really feels the connection too they may or may not still be around. I fully intended to let him go (was only fair to him) but so glad he stuck around!!
The way you said sounds perfectly fine to me. But I wonder why you went on a date? I don’t personally support people who go on dates right after a relationship. You said you’ll “probably” be ready in a few months…how do you know? Does that mean you start something new with her in a few months? And what if you realize you are not ready? Are you going to say “actually I think I’m still not ready”? TBH this whole situation doesn’t seem right to me
I’ve hard a woman say “try again later” to me. I did and we dated for almost 2 years
Just tell her you’re not ready right now but leave off the “in a few months thing” but if you are still interested in a few months just reach back out and see if she’s receptive.
Why not just kindly and politely tell her whats going on & how you feel.
I’ve had this done to me both well and poorly, so I have some opinions on it. I think just being really transparent and prompt with your communication is the best way to go. Tell her exactly what you told us “I think [you are] very cool and am interested in [you]. However, I have somewhat recently gotten out of a relationship and just don’t feel like my heart is into dating again yet.”
I’d probably leave the timeline out of it because you can’t realistically guess at that, but you can let her know you’d like to contact her in the future when you feel ready, if this is the truth for you, which it sounds like it is. I disagree that this is “keeping her on the hook”. People have to take responsibility for their own expectations, so if she wants to stay open if you contact her in the future, great. If not, that’s her choice. I personally would appreciate a man both being transparent/honest with me about not being ready, but also making his interest in me clear. Without the latter it can sound like a nice let down.
Ask about being FWB
I think the way you put it is fine, but leave out the “in a few months.” You can reach back out when you’re ready and see if she’s still interested.
I wouldn’t wait around if it was me. I’ve got shit to do.
I’m on the other side of this!
He wasn’t ready for a relationship or dating and asked to remain friends. We have remained in contact for close to a year now and he’s practically my best friend and I’m really glad he made it clear where he was and allowed an avenue for casual contact versus needing complete distance.
If that is where you are though, I agree with previous posts of asking if it’s okay to contact her when you are more open to everything.
The way you put it is just fine.
Though personally, I’d just keep hanging out as friends, maybe keeping things ambiguous unless she asks for more, in which case you just say “I like you, and I’m not saying no, just… not right now. I’ve got a lot going on.”
And yes, I totally stole that line from a CW show.
As others have mentioned, I would leave the “few months” out. Maybe you can say something like “I’m not ready for dating at the moment since I recently got out of a relationship, but when/if I am ready, I hope you’d be open to hearing from me again.”
Yes, but it can be confusing. Someone did this to me recently, and it felt like rejection though he reiterated twice that he hopes maybe we can meet up in the future. It is bad timing with some logistical things and obligations. But cliche dating advice “if he wanted to he would” eats at me and sometimes it just feels like a nice guy rejection.
Your initial sentence is pretty good, I’m not sure how to improve upon it. So many people say they’re “not ready” as a way to get out of things easily, it’s hard to take people who genuinely mean it seriously.
You can’t save women for later. Why’d you even go out? Your best bet is to just be honest and explain that you really enjoyed the date but you realized you can see a future with her and maybe you’re not as ready as you thought you were. But I wouldn’t expect her to take well to it. Humans aren’t food. You can’t just save them for later.
Just tell her it’s not you, it’s her…
Yes. Be upfront, good job not wanting to hurt her feelings, or waste her time by trying to keep her on a shelf while u sort through your feelings or trying to start something when ur not ready that is going to lead to a failed relationship.