I understand that this might be suited for deadbedrooms, but I would like to ask the r/sex community first, since it is in no means as severe as several years worth of no sex.
This is the issue a close friend of mine is facing – she is a HLF in a relationship with a LLM. He finds sex a chore, and barely initiates, and she on the other hand desires it because it is her major love language, and this is something that she has brought up many many times.
They have established that it is not due to any SSRIs, medications, depression, religious repression, etc. Rather, he simply just does not factor it into his lifestyle, opting to watch videos or game rather than have sex.
My main concern is this – recently she asked him for an open relationship, girls only (to soothe his insecurities in his words: of being cucked), and was slapped across the face, and was told that she was forcing him to have sex even when he didn’t want to. When I heard that he had slapped her I wanted to tell her to GET OUT, RUN – yet I don’t want to add fuel to the fire without thinking things through – he is not a physically abusive person, and this is the first time this has happened.
What sort of advice, or support should I provide?
5 comments
Tell her to get out and run. Abusive behavior should never be tolerated or condoned
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Sounds like it’s more of a dead relationship now than a dead bedroom.
>she is a HLF in a relationship with a LLM.
This itself is an issue – mismatched libido does cause bedroom problems.
>it is her major love language
See? This is something her partner needs to share. If you only speak French, would you establish a relationship with or marry someone who only speaks German? This is similar. It’s an incompatibility.
>she asked him for an open relationship and was slapped across the face
Not okay. Tell me she at least got an apology. Open relationships are not the same as cheating.
>was forcing him to have sex even when he didn’t want to
No. She wasn’t.
>What sort of advice, or support should I provide?
Tell her to be wary of his attitude and be ready to leave if necessary. Not because what he did was some “unforgivable sin” or something but for the sake of her own mental and sexual health.
If he slapped her then he IS a physically abusive person. Full stop.
Aside from the slap (my advice for that is leave) this is what it comes down to: he is not meeting her needs.
She is choosing every day to stay with someone who isn’t meeting her needs.
He has told her that he’s not happy for her to get those needs met elsewhere, so now she gets to make a choice: live without sex or leave the relationship and find someone more compatible.
That really is what it comes down to.
People tie themselves in all sorts of knots when it comes to sexual incompatibility and the dead bedroom sub is filled with a whole bunch of unhappy people who are unwilling (or unable) to take a pragmatic look at their situation and make a choice.
If she were my friend I’d encourage her to stop hesitating or bargaining or whatever it is she’s doing and make a choice. All in or all out.
I know it’s easier said than done because I did it. After a 14 year relationship I left.
Best decision I ever made.