I’m not an outgoing person at all. I quite enjoy my own company so I feel very very little desire to go out and meet people which I’ve done plenty of in the past. The only thing I would like is a partner and there aren’t any potential dates in my house so I guess I am forced to go out and find them.
Online dating is like sucking moisture from the desert sands for me so my only option is to go out and meet people. I’m not really interested in meeting people or making friends. Really couldn’t care less. I would just really like a partner some day.
Thing is if I go out like that it feels a bit disingenuous to me. I’m acting like I want to be there and I’m being all friendly and such because I have to in order to get what I really want.
Perhaps I meet potential dates and they would believe that because they met me out being social that I must be like that as a person and expect that I would want to continue that part of life even in a relationship with them when I really wouldn’t. I may keep in touch with a couple of the people I got to know but there would be a very drastic reduction in my social life and motive to be social would be very low.
Is this reasonable? Is there a better alternative?
27 comments
You don’t know you’ll ditch it. What if the two of you forge a life long bond over it and make it out every week? Don’t overthink it just go
Reasonable and you wouldn’t be the only one doing it. Enjoy it for what it is and use it for as long as it is in your life. If you end up making a few friends, that is a big win, too, because you might meet a partner through the friends you make there. But you don’t owe your life to a social meet up group. You enjoy while you are doing your thing and leave when it no longer interests you. It isn’t a cult (hopefully!).
No, those are open events. It would only be problematic if you’re feigning friendships. If people think you like them, then you get a romantic partner and stop answering texts, that’s a shitty thing to do. But to go to some public events for a while, and then stop going? Totally normal.
I mean, you can try.
But part of HAVING a partner is indulging in their hobbies. So maybe they’re cool with staying in one date, but the next they want to go out.
You can’t just have the mentality of: “it’s my way or the highway” if you’re going to be in a LTR.
Plus, broadening your horizons is good. I don’t know how old you are, but you probably haven’t “tried everything” to know you don’t like ANYTHING social.
Give things a fair shot with an open-mind, and you might be surprised.
I’d say this kind of intent is more common than you think.
It’s reasonable as long as you don’t “mooch” and contribute to the circle while you’re part of it. Then leave whenever you want. But if you met the special person there, wouldn’t they still likely want to participate? And if that’s the case then it’s just another couple activity
I don’t understand this bad advice, just use an app, any app. Too easy
Sounds like you’re lying and manipulating an interest. Especially with the intent to mostly ditch all that once you’re in a LTR.
I don’t think it’s disingenuous of you to go in a social circle only for the same of meeting someone special. Who knows you might stay in the same circle bcuz of that someone special or maybe you like the circle as well.
TLDR – going in a Social circle with a goal in mind is not disingenuous.
This is a very long confusing question
I think this seems pretty disingenuous. I imagine a lot of people wouldn’t feel very happy to know that you only see them as a means to an end and don’t care about them if they fit that end goal.
While I understand your desire to meet your end goal, I think your approach is a bit unrealistic. I think you’re trying to cut out the bonding aspect that is pretty essential to personal relationships and especially romantic relationships (imo). Time and effort needs to be given to get to know people and to form connections. I think it’s extremely happen for it to just happen out of the blue. In short, in order to find a partner I think you need to be social. The exception would be to find someone who is equally reluctant to be social.
For sure it’s a bait and switch. But what else can you do? Good luck!
I don’t see the issue at all. People understand you have to go out to meet people in person, and everyone loves a meet-cute story. Introverts can enjoy going out to meet others. The only way I could see it being disingenuous is if you’re consciously advertising yourself as a super outgoing, life of the party type, in order to appeal to someone. And honestly, that would sort itself out anyway as the person would probably just leave you if they didn’t like how you were once you stopped going out.
Just focus on enjoying life in the moment no matter what you are doing.
You go to the river to fish, right? Just go to the river. It’s alright.
All’s fair in love and war.
I don’t see anything wrong with this and would be willing to bet 75% of participants are there for the same reason.
Go, have fun and no worries!
Nothing inherently wrong with doing social activities and meetups to meet someone special then abandoning them once you do meet that special person.
That said, it will be noticed and it will tarnish your reputation a bit with those who don’t do this. Not because it’s wrong but because it does go against the grain for the purpose of those activities. However, people come and go all the time in those groups so it’s not unexpected.
Most importantly, I don’t think it’s healthy to abandon all or most interests and friends for a significant other, or for a family. It’s also expected that you’ll decrease activities involving single members of the opposite sex, especially one-on-one or in small numbers so a sense of balance is necessary. Keep in contact with friends and do group stuff while keeping the home fires burning and not putting strain on the relationship by hanging out with singles inappropriately.
It’s reasonable, you have to do what is better for yourself.
So, what it seems like to me is that you’re anticipating a specific outcome before venturing into a situation. A bunch can happen when you engage with a group. Maybe you may actually make friends, maybe no one there will like you, maybe you’ll join the group and not meet anyone you want to be with and then chat with a girl at the grocery store and really hit it off.
I think joining a group is a good move. I think you made this post because you’re anxious about joining the group. But regardless of what happens, you’re going to be fine. Just jump in the pool and see what the outcome is. If you don’t want to keep in touch with people, you don’t have to.
So you like to color outside the lines, and then pretend cause you outlined the picture that the picture is now restored with no color outside the lines…what you are talking about is something a desperate shit, how about you be a decent human being that another decent human wants to and chooses to be with
You are going to shoot yourself in the foot by building a relationship with someone that expects you to be an extroverted socialite just to tunnel vision and smother them to death.
You attract the kind of person that you are, so if youre a shut-in; you are going to do best with a shut in… guess what, shut-ins suck at finding mates.
So either live with it and hope to find another shut-in on a dating site or change who you are to be happy 🙂
Interesting and thought-provoking question. You can’t meet someone by being alone. You have to do something social in SOME capacity. However maybe you can bond with someone equally annoyed by the social events! Like if you’re at a party, find another introvert and just be like “parties suck eh?”
I think you understand the reality. If you want a social partner go to social places. If not go to more hobby based activities. If you don’t have hobbies, you’re not interesting enough to go out with anyway. Don’t go to a bar expecting to find a woman who hates bars.
I don’t think that’s necessarily a problem, but might cause one if you enter a relationship, I’ll give you an example: let’s say you join a hiking group, you start meeting up every week, suddenly you enter a relantionship with one of them and you want to drop out, most likely the person will want to stay. You can trade hiking for basically anything: concerts, coffee, wine tasting, book clubs, RPGs, gym, movies etc
you wanna be labeled as the person who abandons their friends completely when they’re in a relationship
I’ve met tons of those…guess what happens to them?
if they break up they’re left with literally nothing
not to mention that their S.O. will probably find it really fucking weird
Nothing has to be or feel genuine necessarily. Just go do it for whatever reason. Nobody can tell you why you are doing what you’re doing except for yourself. Others can only speculate and they will never prove it.
If you stop doing group activities or limit your social life after some time, and someone holds it against you, just tell them you decided to try something new and eventually you lost interest in it.
That’s it.