I 22F am heartbroken because my boyfriend 23M of a year and a half shuts down when I try to communicate things that hurt my feelings. We have talked about this countless times how it makes me feel so helpless and anxious when I go hours or days without hearing from him most times I try to have a conversation about things we should work on. Usually it ends up with him telling me he’s “the worst” and “will never be enough” and then he just goes silent.
I constantly reassure him that me wanting to have open communication about my feelings and emotions is not an attack and he should see it as us working together to solve a problem instead of being against each other. Tonight was probably the tenth or so time he has just shut down when I have tried to tell him something he did hurt me. This time it was choosing to continually spend time with a friend who disrespected me in a way that I’m still trying to heal from. These shutdowns are all very intense for me to cope with but I do think I am getting better at getting through them. I still cry but not for hours anymore.
I have talked to two close friends of mine about this for support and both have told me that stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse. At first I thought he just had an extremely avoidant attachment style but after reading about abusive relationships I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love him more than anyone and I pour my guts out trying to fight to keep us together but every time this happens I feel so disposable and worthless. When our relationship is going well I feel so incredibly happy but it’s like a switch flips when I want to talk about something that I am concerned about. This has happened when I tried to bring up how he should put more effort into planning dates or showing that he wants to spend time with me instead of me having to ask. He did improve a lot and I finally felt seen and heard but this cycle still keeps repeating.
I want to also make it clear he is aware of this cycle and I talked to him about therapy for avoidant attachment. I even made a shared iphone note with steps to get out of this cycle of thinking. I have done so much to try and help him get comfortable with communication and he just sees it as a personal attack.
The idea of leaving seems impossible and it’s the last thing I want to do because I love him so deeply and have never loved anyone this much. This is only really concerning me now because my best friend says I don’t deserve this and told me to look into emotional abuse. I think I have a blind spot because I also had an emotionally abusive narc mother so maybe my tolerance for this treatment is high. His ex has also publicly accused him of being abusive and manipulative even though I have heard she was also incredibly toxic.
What do I do
Edit: I want to add that he has improved so much over the last year and I’m so grateful for that. Nine months ago he has said extremely hurtful things that I can’t imagine him saying now. Which is why I feel like he does have the capacity to become a healthy communicator and more emotionally available.
2 comments
“I think i am getting better at getting through them”
Sounds more as if you’re getting used to the emotional abuse and his behavior. Which is very very dangerous.
Sounds like his ex was telling the truth.
Wether intentional or not yes this is abuse. Yes this also is a manipulation tactic.
So he’s aware and is actively doing 0 to change? I’m sorry but if you continue to stay he is unlikely to change his behavior. And he will destroy your self esteem and self worth and probably cause you to resent him.
Or you can make it clear it’s a deal breaker for you. Some people unfortunately only change when they know they can lose you. And really sounds like hes not gonna change. Afer all why does he if it’s clear you’re willing to put up with it and continue the relationship.
Don’t force yourself to get stuck in a cycle of toxicity.
It can be emotionally abusive, it can also be a way avoidant attachment style deals with high stress conflict situations, which doesn’t make it less abusive. He needs therapy, and this is something you cannot do for him. Please let me reiterate especially because he is aware he is doing this. YOU CANNOT HELP HIM. All you can do is decide for yourself that enough is enough and decide to leave. Please get yourself into therapy to figure out why you think it’s okay to tolerate people like this for such long periods of time. I honestly think the best solution is an ultimatum of going to therapy or you leaving.