Porn does nothing for me. Maybe cause I am a woman? Maybe cause I am asexual? Who knows. Usually people who are sex obsessed have sexual trauma or have been severely repressed and while I had to hide any emotions I felt due to bullying, which i never understood why i was bullied, I still deal with trauma that reached a peak point of me wanting to die at the age of 16 and some people even making fun of me for it. I am unable to feel any emotions and if I do they are usually negative like anger, jealousy or sadness. I have to “satisfy” my self (not sexually) in order to live. People both overwhelm and underwhelm me. When I am overwhelmed, I go mute and feel threatened, frustrated, angry, at their happiness and my happiness that was stolen and having to pretend I am emotionless in order to not be bullied. I don’t like men, nor sex and kind of fear it after years of being treated like a tumor by boys. Not being desired and not approving of gender standarts and dressing like a guy is probably the core reason why I dont masturbate.
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I mean years of being ewww-ed at, boys throwing objects at you, calling you transv3stite and assuming things about you when they have girlfriends and win at life socially while you have no friends and mother with cancer probably makes a guy “manly” I have become disgusted with people and especially guys and it is better to be a lesbian than have sex with a man, but no, it is my fault and I am the mentally ill one for having those feelings after being rejected and literally being treated like a street dog and peoplegiving me fake love letters and me having to not cry because crying is weakness and boys loved to see me cry. I hate being a dumb h03 but it is the only thing guys respect. Hell, they even open doors for me. I cant imagine having sex, I cant imagine someone eating me out or pleasuring me, it makes me want to cry and scream, so I cope by reading about rough sex and watching sex scenes. Erotica helps me not see men as these horrible emotionless collective tumors and like being capable of being loved by someone.
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I am sensitive and fragile and people just love to take advantage of that but despite being a tomboy, the older I got, the more the male gender hated me and the more they paid attention to people I would call manipulative, b1tchy as well as horrible and evil. I have my own share of flaws, I can be overly negative and jealous or annoying or too quiet but all of my life is series of self improvement where I fail miserably socially because I never know what to say or do. I dont want to flirt, I dont want the people with the penises near me, hugs scare me and make me want to cry. I need to stimulate my self in order to live and because people and talking no longer satisfies me and people avoided me and I avoided them back as a reaction and no one likes me, I gave up on trying to be charismatic and just became full on mute, I seemed like a hungry wh0re for any positive attention given to me and i dont want that. I didnt love any guy that was nice to me, they just gave me the bare minimum that guys usually dont give me. It is like I am a walking red flag on tinder when guys ask me why dont i have a boyfriend and this makes me either block them, because they are dumb and horrible and want only sex, or they think I am suspicious bad toxic person when in reality in middle and high school, especially high school I was all alone, with no one to talk to, bullied for reason I cant pinpoint, having to sit all alone with the need to socialize and being forced to be alone. This made me develop a stutter and being mute because nothing i said made them stop with their nasty comments. This is why i dont like bondage or degradation, I hate being helplessness and nothing I did even reporting to the teachers help.
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Now I am stuck with trauma and cant get over it while they dont care and get a free pass and good life and will never think about me or care or apologize or explain while they live in my head rent free. Despite going to psychologist I can’t seem to get over my teenhood trauma. I hate the thought of having to have sex for children or having any sex at all, I cant imagine cumming and I always imagine hiding my face so the guy wouldnt see me being pleasured by him, i cant imagine being in a relationship or being hugged and react so emotionally that it is as if the guy has been physically beating me the whole time, while he just exists near me. The only way i can cope with that since the age of 15 is to roleplay and read about sex with anime characters, this is the only time I dont feel like a burden and like guys arent creepy or scary, hell I even feel liked, and i dont accdpt compliments since i dont think anyone is honest. I am scared to bring this with my therapist who insists that i am not asexual but just repressed but i rarely experience sexual attraction and my lack of desire to jump on dicks like a normal girl (i am more nonbinary since fuck the binary and gender norms) makes people suspicious of me, teen girls were so fucking horrible and teen guys even more
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I felt like underpaid sexually frustrated alcoholic 30 year old woman who has bought a new dragon dildo and has to fucking stick with mentally slow horny children that know nothing about life, I felt more mature and more knowing than them. So I thought I liked older men but older men are their own problems and I sometiems am too immature for them and they creep me out but guys my age have always been so childish and idiotic, it is like you have to take care of mentally slow child and change his diaper, while older guys usually try to manipulate you for sex or degrade you, hell some are even married or in relationship and hide it cause they have a kink for young girls, kinda the sugar daddy type, way too older guys creep me out, like 6 years or older, like some guy on tinder told me he has the mentality of 12 year old boy but is +10 years older than me, that creeped me out and i blocked him on instagram and he came to tinder to tell me how rude i am and how he lost interest. Ewwww, way to go to share your age dude, thank god he did.
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I dont know why i never had a boyfriend, from my experience guys always used my name for something disgusting or – “or you will become northern star’s boyfriend” and they would eww at each other as if being my boyfriend or being near me is fate worse than death. Up until 12th grade, at the old age of 18, where you are supposed to be mature, some of them stayed away from me and refused to give me documents that the whole class had to sign, because “I would touch them” and the boys that bullied me hated me touching anything and threw it in the trash. Wow, it is such a surprise why i became mute, some became bored but some continued to bully me which just sticks with me since their friends gave up and they clearly ruined my life and had enough fun making me cry, what more do they want when they already have jobs and girlfriends, but no these guys arent jerks but somehow me avoiding eye contact and being mute is me being a b1tch, I dont understand but i was never liked, especially romantically or sexually and after being rjeected to so much I just refuse to be in any relationship, I used to jump when someone said my name and hate my name and hate my face and hate my body so fucking much I can’t look in the damn mirror, I thought I was trans and had body dyspmorhia but i just hate being perceived as either guy or a girl and just dont want to be perceived or exist at all,
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I try my best ot blend in and not exist or talk and ignore peopke and someone just gotta talk to me and remind me that i exist. I dont understand why people love to make me suffer just because I have emotional problems and cry a lot and they think its funny, I can no longer cry or feel anything and they just had to twist it and hit me with objects like basketballs since defending my self was mentally raped out of me and i didnt react to the insults and instead of getting bored they onned them up. I hate seeing how everyone else is allowed to be happy, and exist and be honest but me. I hate how they gave me nothing but trauma and I am supposed to magically heal, feel pleasure and enjoy life and not be depressed when they are the reason I am this way. I used to be very smiley and theatrical and used to love to meet new people and that was raped out of me and replaced by severe social anxiety and depression, I had to learn on my own how to not get scared and jump when someone was trying to scare my traumatized butt, I had to learn how to manage my emotions which blinded me and people made me want to scream in pain to the point where I didnt feel anything.
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The school enviroment made me want to choke for air and ki// my self every single day of my life, I didnt thrive in it. I barely survived and no one cared. Now I dont trust anyone and dont enjoy social gatherings but my needs dont care that i am traumatized. The need to socialize needs to be filled, whether I am trauamtized or not. It is kinda like not eating, not eating after a while will cause you headaches, stomachaces, tiredness, etc. I can survive not talking or emotionally bonding with anyone for a long time, but after a while I feel like I cant breathe because I havent talked to anyone and neurtoically go from store to store, buying anything just to talk to the cashier and have normal human conversation because no one would talk to me, sometimes i dont want to talk, either out of fear or not knowing what to say which causes problems wiht other people who treat me worse afterwards. People’s emotions have always baffled me and i spent an enitre life people pleasing in order to avoid their anger or agression and despite that i still got hit and laughed at but doing the same is clearly bad and i had to be hit harder.
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People sense that i am weak and just love to attack me for it….maybe vulnerable is more accurate than weak, I dont know why but people always took advantage of my emotions but despite not feeling anything i still feel pain from their words no matter what I do. So I need to do stuff like stealing, which I gave up on for trying to overstuff my self with clothes and sweet foods in order to stimulate my self because over and under stimulation hurts. I seem to need to talk to people and make friends to survive, but feel like I can’t connect wiht anyone, which is the key to happiness, like i can somehow manage to talk to people and hang out, but that just fills my socialization need. I also need a lot of alone time and pretended to be introvert because having no friends is kinda big taboo, especially when you are a teenager whre I live, and people didnt forget to shame me about it. However shaming me about not having a boyfriend and being told I will die alone as a virgin didnt hurt so severely because i dont value sex or relationships, i wont die without them, and hey dying a virgin is still a better fate than having cancer or having your parent die and not being able to say goodbye or even go to their funeral, I struggle to empathize with anyone and used to have hyperempathy but most people’s problems are so insignificant compared to my traumatized life which made me disgusted by people and disintered in them, I also became hyperlogical which is even worse because I had my ups and downs when I was emotional but people liked me better when I was emotional, it seemed like i had more friends or at least auintances.
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I am obsessed with sex because I fear it and dont care if i will ever have it, it seems like important human experience but i dont like or trust anyone to have it with them, and prengancy seems so freaking creepy and the blood loss and i dont like loud sounds so screaming babies and running cars really trigger me. Human voices also trigger me as I have developed a need for silence after being traumatized, so hearing laughter and being reminded how i made everyone happy and no one in return cared about me or invited me or wanted me really stings and i just start to cry hystericlaly. I dont care about sex so I can be vulgar and explicit because i dont care about social rules and how taboo it is, i love to see the shock in peopke’s faces it is one of the few things in this hellhole life that makes me happy but i cant do it forever. I just need to know how to cope with this more healthily since i dont know if my therapist will take me seriously, she told me to masturbate and explore my body but i just dont care and dont want to, i dont feel sexual attraction to anyone by just seeing them but can have libido and desire, it is just rare. I feel like it is connected to being desired and pat of me wants to be desired but not seen as a peace of meat like most biological women are seen as in a tight dress. I dont like one night stands or friends with benefits and would feel used as a napkin if i participate in one, which is why most guys who suggest those annoy me and why i block them, I like to pretend i am hyper horny but it is just my humor
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i wasnt allowed to smile nor laugh in high school since there was always some ahole who would ask me why i am smiling and then laugh at me or make a mean comment and laugh with his buddies, this is why i rarely smile or make eye contact or touch anyone, it feels invasive, like rape and most comments feel like being hit with a dick or deepthroating someone or being raped in the arse, it just purely hurts and makes me cry but i also feel my entire body burning in pain. It seems what affects me so much doesnt affect other people and i dont know why but i have always been afraid of being bullied and was the most bullied out of my high school class cause no one liked me and i was reminded of that daily, to the point where someone calling me by my small name or just smiling at me made me have full on meltdown, I dont understand why they had to pretend to be nice to me when they clearly like me, it hurt just as much as their insults and them telling to each other how they dont want to be near me, even at the age of 18 that hurt so much, and it is the reason why i dont want anyone near me to touch me or be close to me, they had no reason to act like sadistic aholes, especially at that old age and the fact that they got away with it and dint have any punishment keeps me awake at night. Even though it is in the past it still causes me so much issues and i bleed onto any relationship i have with a human being and struggle to believe anyone genuinely wants to hang out with me or like me and have to delude my self that they do because being anxious makes it worse, I am beyond tired of fake smiling, smal talk, pleasntries, even when I am fake I am more real than those girls in high school who somehow got more attention, friends and boyfreinds than me, that is just not logical and i dont understand how I am supposed to enjoy life. My fantasies are rarely sexual and mostly consist of dancing with a manequin or hugging someone because I am touch starved and lonely but real people touching feels like touching lava, it severely hurts. I sometimes feel really good by being touched and not in a sexual way, and sometimes i feel severe pain. I cant pinpoint why, i thought i felt pleasure with people i liked sexually, but it seems other people can make me feel good too and that is disgusting and made me even more averse to sex, so i dont know if i feel physical pain from being touched, for exampl on the arm due to fear and anxiety or is it something else.
1 comment
Maybe you should get therapy.