I (51M) am dealing with a situation where I have to side with either my wife (48F) or daughter (17F), and I am torn.
My wife and I have been married for 22 years and we have had a somewhat rocky relationship (from my point of view) over the years. In her mind, things have been great between us, but she doesn’t listen to my concerns about our relationship. I have put my concerns aside to try to make the best situation for our family. We work together and need to continue to work together in order to support our children’s future (college). We both play an important role in our business that makes it hard to separate without the business going under, or having major problems.
Recently my wife and daughter, who have had a good relationship up until now, are starting to have issues that is straining their relationship. It is hard to describe the situation exactly, but I tend to side with my daughter. My wife makes decisions emotionally and then blames the outcome on everyone else. One example of this is my daughter was in therapy and we had a parent meeting. My wife didn’t agree with things I was saying to the therapist about a situation we were dealing with, which the therapist was agreeing with me about, so my wife walked out of the meeting. She then went and threatened the therapist with a board complaint and left a bad review for the therapist. She claimed the therapist wasn’t trying to keep the family together, but breaking us apart. This ended up forcing the therapist to drop my daughter due to the threats. My daughter was devastated since she loved her therapist. My wife blames this on me and the therapist.
Another concerns life360. My daughter was linked to it and my wife got notification recently that her phones location could not be found. My wife assumed she turned it off. My daughter denied it, but my wife thought she was lying. Our daughter is a great kid with no issues regarding sneaking out/going behind our back. She is a straight A student, not boy crazy, and stressing about getting into a good college. My wife’s response is to unlink her to the life 360 account and now expects her to tell her where she is at all times (when she’s leaving the house, when she gets home, even for scheduled things). If my daughter complains, or forgets to do this, my wife yells at her and blames her for not having life 360 on her phone anymore.
I am siding and supporting my daughter in these situation because I feel my wife is being unreasonable, but my wife says I should back her no matter what and I am making it me and my daughter against her. This is causing an even bigger strain in our relationship.
I feel I am doing the right thing supporting my daughter during this hard time, but I guess I have doubts because my wife makes me feel I should have a strong front with her.
Thank in advance for your opinions.
TL;DR My wife and daughter are having issues. I am siding with my daughter and my wife isn’t happy about it.
35 comments
Your job as a parent is to raise your child to be the best version of themself they can be and help them to grow safely into their independence. Your daughter is 17. She is almost a legal adult. So, you should be treating her with almost the independence of an adult. You should mostly be there for advice, support, and as a safety net if she runs into troubles she cannot handle on her own. What is your wife’s goal in monitoring your daughter the way she does? Why does she want to do that in the first place? What is the plan when your daughter turns 18?
Your wife is unreasonable, and sounds like she’s basically never happy unless everything goes her way all the time with everyone agreeing with her. So you either suppress your own personality entirely and become a soulless “yes dear” husband, which will likely end up losing any relationship with your daughter, or you assert yourself and stay true to your beliefs and run the risk of pissing off your wife, which it seems will always happen one way or another *anyway*.
You’re following your instincts and doing what you think is right. Your wife is demanding blind loyalty to her. Why is she entitled to that but your daughter isn’t? Why should your wife be the priority over your daughter? Why did you marry someone this unreasonable, and why are you still together?
Support your daughter. Your wife is pulling some crap either out of jealously or her own control issues. She is trying to come between you and your daughter and the therapist and your daughter. (the people who support your daughter)
Do not support your wife in situations where she is wrong. You can divorce your wife but you can never divorce your daughter.
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Dude your wife is insane. Support your daughter, wife is not going to be around much longer.
Your wife is manipulative as fuck and creating drama in order to try to get yall under her control. Your daughter’s growing independence threatens that control. Youve been married 22 years to this woman and she’s not going to change. Sabotaging your daughter’s therapist is fucking horrible. That is some of the worst emotional abuse I’ve ever heard of. Your wife interfered with your daughters **MEDICAL TREATMENT** for stress and issues that your wife herself seems to be creating.
Your wife is creating chaos and evading blame. Personally its been like this and you’ve been making excuses for this woman for 22 years. Its time to fucking stop. Expect the relationship to disintegrate as soon as you stop enabling your wife. She will get crazier and crazier and act out more and more.
But you are a father. You owe it to your daughter to do what’s RIGHT, not to enable your wife and side with her when she’s wrong in every example you’ve provided. It is not right for you to sit here and side with your wife in any situation like this where she takes shit out on your daughter. You’re her fucking dad. Protect your fucking daughter.
And honestly? Your daughter deserves to see this thread. Your wife doesn’t, itll just blow up. But your nearly adult daughter deserves to see the many people who are going to respond here telling you that your wife is a manipulative asshole and is abusing your daughter in order to control her.
Stop the fucking abuse dude before you lose your daughter. She’s still a goddamn minor that is your literal one job in this situation.
Your wife is an asshole, and you are right to support your daughter. An honorable person would never insist that they should be backed no mattter what, but would accept considered feedback. Yes, parents should be united but it seems like your wife is an abusive parent, so no.
Yes, stick with your daughter. Get another phone, keep it hidden from your wife and create a new Life360 account so you can keep track of your daughter, for her sake.
And maybe don’t antagonize your wife, if possible tell her as she said/wants to hear and do what you do anyway.
Looks shady, but it is a contingency plan.
Success!
Your wife sounds toxic. Keep siding with your daughter…
I would read “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist in your life”
Standup for your daughter. She didn’t choose a lifetime of placating her emotionally unstable and emotionally abusive mother.
She’s learning about boundaries and she *will* need them.
It’s a false dichotomy. You’re not “choosing” whether to side with your wife or daughter, you’re choosing whether or not to treat your daughter with the respect and love she deserves. If your wife punishes you for treating your daughter with respect, you need to call her out on it and be a man.
Holy shit your wife sabotaged your child’s therapy. What the fuck is wrong with her?
Your wife sounds like a fucking tool, and your daughter really needs your strong and visible support
I’d side with your wife because… You know. You’re gonna be spending a lot more time with her, so.
Thank god your daughter is almost 18, she can get out of there and go NC with mom when she’s ready. Your wife is being overbearing and if she doesn’t want a relationship with your daughter at all when she’s an adult then she’s doing a great job ensuring that happens.
Sounds to me like wife is going to be the reason for two failed relationships within the next couple years.
Your wife sounds controlling and unhinged.
Just to give another side to this—my mom is like this. We have a terrible relationship. My dad is still with her (although he’s finally considering leaving after 35 years) and it’s made us not have a good relationship either, even though he’s absolutely lovely. I talk to them maybe once a month (separately) and see them MAYBE once a year.
But also, my older brother and I (both mid-30s ish) are both single and struggle in relationships. He has it worse that he assumes all women will treat him like our mom treated us so he avoids relationships, and I am so afraid of having my freedom taken away that I can’t commit long term—I’ve been engaged three times and couldn’t go through with them even though the guys were great. Being raised by a narcissist has long lasting effects, especially if you’re never told it’s wrong or being put in the position to have to apologize for everything all the time (even when it’s not your fault).
So just something to consider—you’re modeling that this behavior is okay to your daughter and it’s not just going to go away.
Take your wife aside and explain what a strain this is having on your relationship with her.. and how she is hurting her relationship with your daughter.
Bring up that at 17 (my youngest is as well) she is about to be of age that she shouldn’t be so controlled. A lot of parents screw up by doing this. Do this separate from your daughter. You’re not choosing either of them, you’re doing right by your family as a whole.
I think you need to support your daughter here. Your wife sounds unreasonable, and I think it will permanently degrade your relationship with your daughter if you don’t shield her from it. I don’t want to be too dramatic, but I think you need to prepare for the possibility of separation or divorce if your wife doesn’t reevaluate how she approaches situations.
I had this same issue with my father. literally how yo u explain your wife is how my mom is… my dad always took her side and said we needed to be the ones to fix things even if it wasn’t our fault. i haven’t seen either of my parents in three years. your daughter comes before your wife.
You married a selfish psycho, dude
Get into marital counseling and listen to her. It’s hard to tell what’s going on here, but it seems pretty clear that your wife feels her needs and concerns aren’t being met and the two of you cannot get on the same page or communicate effectively.
Whatever you decide to do, do NOT do anything resembling trash talking your wife to your daughter. You, your wife, and your 17 year old are struggling to solve interpersonal problems in your home. She’s not… oh, I dunno, driving drunk with your kid or spending the kid’s education fund on cosmetic surgery. All the things you’ve brought up can be walked back, apologized for, or renegotiated with cooler heads. I mean the solution to the life 360 situation might just be “try a different ap”.
Reading this was like reading my life story!!!
My mum is exactly like your wife OP. As a child raised under similar situation, please support your daughter. It is EXTREMELY painful that one of your parents( or both) do not recognize the problem you have with mental health. My father did exactly what you did n never stood up for me.I don’t blame him, but now that I assert my boundaries all that blow back goes to my father. none of u deserve this!!
*but my wife says I should back her no matter what -* No. Not when she is being unreasonable.
Dump the wife, keep the therapist.
You should go back to that therapist with just you and your daughter if you can. You need help on dealing with your wife.
It’s not wife vs daughter . Right vs wrong. Your wife is being unreasonable so back your daughter
But.. explain to your wife that being so strict will make her daughter not have much of a connection with her once she goes to college etc
You flat out know your wife has issues.
This isn’t about “siding” with your daughter. Your wife needs to get some help so whatever weird crap she has going on in her head doesn’t harm your daughter or you.
You need to have a sit down with your wife. the common denominator with the issues is her. She is the one who is “stirring the drama.” … you need to figure out if your wife wants to change for the better, or do you need to part ways. It is never healthy staying together for the sake of the kids. if you are being dismissed as a person and you stay together, you are teaching your kids to find an unhealthy relationship when they choose a partner. You were correct to side with your daughter. Good luck.
I am so glad you posted on this sub. It’s clear as day to the reader what the answer is here, and although you’re a seemingly intelligent person with enough self-awareness to know something’s wrong, I suspect you’re conditioned well enough to allow her tactics to affect you. I think you recognized that and thusly reached out, and I really commend you for that.
This brought forth some really excellent insight from this community. I think you know exactly what to do, and man, I am rooting for you to find the strength to tell your wife to shut the fuck up (figuratively!).
You’re a good person with instincts still in tact and priorities aimed in the right direction. Show your daughter what has to happen when we are in unhealthy situations with people. Show her boundaries through this experience.
Your wife is being unreasonable, and your perfectly within your rights to side with your daughter who is clearly in the right for being upset at her treatment from her mother . Teenagers who haven’t given any reason not to deserve it need to be trusted with their independence, otherwise your daughter will just grow to resent her mother for keeping her on such a tight lead when she never did anything to have her freedom restricted over . It sounds like your wife just wants to pick arguments with your daughter over anything she can , and with your daughters very good behaviour it’s frustrating her that there’s not much to nitpick . Your daughter will gain her independence one way or another , so your wife is going to have to decide if she wants to continue to have a relationship with your daughter as she grows up .
I’m the same age as your daughter , and used to be just as well behaved , but then my emotionally abusive father kept putting more and more pressure on me for simply wanting to have a wider friend group and improve my social life (those friends were perfectly nice and not a bad influence in the slightest ) but he didn’t like that I was going out and spending time with my friends and so punished me for it . Then I started college and fell into a crowd that weren’t as much of a good influence (still good people , just doing more typical teenage things , nothing that would make them seem like a risk) my father would punish me if I did right just as much as if I did wrong so I made bad decisions to try to get control over my life , then my relationship broke down completely with my father after I told my brother how he was treating me (emotional abuse , threats , putting his hand up threatening to hit me) .
What I’m trying to say , is that if a parent doesn’t let their kid grow up and make their own choices , the kid will still grow up and make their own choices , they just won’t consult their parents about anything anymore .
Do you want to teach your daughter that this kind of conduct from your wife is how you treat a husband?
Even worse, do you want to teach your daughter that this is the kind of conduct that she should tolerate from a boyfriend or husband?
Or do you want to defend your daughter, and teach her how to build appropriate relationships?
Your kid is almost 18…. What will she do then?
Sounds like a bit of narcissism. You’re doing the right thing siding with your daughter. Your wife needs therapy asap.