So I 20f have a bad relationship with my mom 46f. It is rough but I am coping with it. I haven’t stopped talking to my mom but I keep a certain distance.
Everyone who gets abused in any way by their parents knows no matter what, it takes a toll on your mental health. It drains you and is a huge burden to carry on your shoulders. So you need to learn to cope with it or else you will carry the generational trauma onto the next Generation if you decide to have kids. Or it will cause you a lot of pain.
A way for me to cope is by having an understanding of why she did certain things and knowing where it comes from. Bc this makes me realize none of it is my fault. And I have a tendency to blame myself so I think education is key here.
What I’ll never understand however is her tendency to admire others. Especially my age.
Often she will hate stuff I do or like, even if it’s the most basic stuff. But when someone else does it or likes it it’s acceptable or even gets praise.
One of my childhood friends works at a gas station. I myself worked in a boutique a while ago, we started working at the same time. We both work in retail. However my mom was so happy for that friend. My mom said she is developing and becoming an actual adult and told me how amazing she is for working there and how smart, ambitious and hard working she is. But to me she just said I could have worked in a much better boutique instead, even tho this boutique was considered the best in my hometown. And I was generally respected for working there and the experience ended up giving me so many opportunities.
It has always been like that. My Art style and clothing style gets looked down on by her. My hobbies are gaming and sewing and gaming is so easy to be criticized nowadays(as apparently only male mass murderers play Video games right)
When I sew or paint something she would look at my work before it was done and say it’s bad. And when it was done she began nagging or ignored it entirely. Meanwhile she saw something similar to what I did on TV or Facebook or something and suddenly it was the best work she has ever seen
Somehow no matter what I ever did it wasn’t good. I always did everything the wrong way.
She never rly directly compared me to others. All she did was praise others for doing the same thing I was bashed for.
I have a hard time understanding this logic. Maybe some of you have a certain knowledge of psychology to explain why Some parents are like that.
So tldr: my mom acts like whatever I do is wrong and bad but whenever someone else does the same as me it’s praised by her, even if they’re not as skilled as me at it
6 comments
Hello fellow child of a trash parent!
I’m going to potentially save you over a decade of wasted effort and trauma by advising that you never look to this parent for support because it ain’t coming, and rather look internally for support and acceptance instead. You can also find external validation through a community of likeminded colleagues.
It really sounds like your mom forgets that you are your own individual person, with your own individual thoughts, wants, and capacities, and instead looks at you as an extension of herself. So while retail is great for your friend, you– an extension of your mom– have so much more potential than working at a boutique, or have more skill than what you portray in your art, or any other way she nitpicks you.
It isn’t right, and I would encourage you to combat the criticism with simple statements like, “Well, it makes me happy” or “I’m very satisfied with XYZ”.
Getting her to understand what she’s doing will likely be an uphill battle, but please understand that you have every right to be proud of yourself for your accomplishments, even if the one person you may feel is supposed to be proud of you isn’t.
I personally feel that understanding the root of issues like this is integral to finding peace in your own life, and I am proud of you, internet stranger, for starting yourself down this path of insight.
Just because you are related to someone doesn’t mean you have to be around them, especially if they treat you badly. One of the stupidest things some people say is ‘they are your family. You need to give them priority’. Respect is earned, not given, even when they are family.
This is just narc behavior. She won’t compliment you, she’ll put her attention on others rather than putting it on you. She enjoys taking your joy or self confidence from you.
I’m sorry, but you’ll have to get validation elsewhere. She’s likely threatened by you, is competing with you in a weird way, she can’t do art or sew right?
Just leave. You need to realize that just because she got cream pied doesn’t mean you owe her anything. My mom is the same way and I wasn’t truly happy until I cut her off completely.
If the comparison is less obvious, you look like you’re overreacting when you get mad or upset. She can say she was just being nice to others. It’s just being mean to you with extra steps, it has nothing to do with any of your actual hobbies.