Like the title says, I was in a relationship for 10 years. I’m 31 and he’s 32. He ended things last year and even though it’s been a year it still feels fresh.
I was confused the entire relationship because I felt like he both loved me and hated me. I come from a very broken home and it always seemed to be like things were rocky because of me. I worked really hard to grow, mature, and evolved to be a better partner, better wife, and better daughter. I figured that if I figured myself out maybe things could finally work.
Last night we talked for the first time in a year and I confronted him about all the things he did and how I didn’t deserve that treatment. The lies, the neglect, the abuse, the gaslighting, the cheating. He admitted to all of it and he apologized.
He essentially said that 3 years into the relationship he just stayed because he didn’t want to be alone. He stringed me along, pretended he wanted kids, he proposed and married me. All because he just couldn’t confront himself.
I just need advice, I need healing, I need a miracle. I feel like even though I don’t love him anymore I feel completely broken. Anything helps at this point. I just need some sage advice from y’all.
Thank you in advance.
9 comments
What he did… it wasn’t *because of you*.” It does not show how *you* are broken. It shows how *he* is broken. He, for his own reasons, did what he did to you. It does not make you unworthy of love or a bad person. It doesn’t make you a bad wife. It does not reflect on *you* at all… it reflects on him. And I k own that is hard to hear and not just dismiss. You feel like if you were worthwhile, you could have gotten him to love you. But that just isn’t how love works. And his deception, both to you and to himself, is what caused this… **not** the way you *are*. He would have done this to someone, whether or not it was you. And it is a hard as shit thing to feel. I had a similar breakup after 4 years… when I learned he was just lying and doing what he thought he *should*. It hurts… but it is his fault, not yours. It is his failure as a partner, *not yours*.
I am very sorry you are going through this. It may feel like a million years away but please find comfort that all your effort to become a better person, a healthier person, will pay of in way you can not even imagine yet.
Love will come to you again i can 100% promise that to you. Learn to forgive yourself. You have been dealt the dysfunctional card at a early age and had to learn yourself over many years and hardship what most of us learn from a healthy family.
See yourself as the broken child you were and are now. See him as the broken child he is or was… let love and forgiveness in your heart. You are not that child anymore. You are stronger and wiser.
EDIT: its easy to spiral down and lose yourself in “what if” or “i should have” mentality. Its the hindsight bias. Fight those spirals.
You were fine the whole time. It was him who was fucked up.
You’re still fine. You’re still whole. You’re still strong.
Grieve the death of the relationship and the vision of what it was. You’ll move on. You’ll be fine.
>I feel like even though I don’t love him anymore I feel completely broken.
Even so, your feeling broken is natural and understandable. You just found out that you the past seven years of your life stolen from you by someone you trusted. And that’s on top of the abuse you touched on. It’s possible this revelation might push you to want to quickly find a new relationship to make up for the time you were cheated out of. But if that’s the case, you’d just be making a similar mistake your ex made.
My advice is to look into therapy and just focus on yourself.
Not that it will likely help much, but this is all his failing. It had nothing to do with you other than the fact that you didn’t guess he’d do such an awful thing. This was his failing, his moral bankruptcy, his lacking of being a compete person.
I can’t believe dickheads like him exist. I hope you can move from this.
Sorry this happened to you. I hope you find healing in time.
From what you said. None of it was your fault. And it doesn’t seem like there was more you could have done either.
Time my love
An know ur worth
Next time Don’t wait so long to express your feelings I to know what it’s like to be in your shoes
I’m sorry you’re going through this and he finally came clean. It’s awful that he wasted ten years of YOUR life for his selfishness.
Reminds me of my ex. We were together for 6 officially, unoffically 8.
all I can say is, you’re still young at 31. Try to pick up the pieces and know that it wasn’t your fault. It was his.
Sigh, why do people do this to others.