I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 months, we met because she works in a different department at my work, we still have separate places but we were causally discussing moving in together.
Last week she texted me after work that she was coming over and she was bringing some surprises, when she arrived she said the surprises are for later, so it’s later and we’re gearing up to have sex and stops me and brings out a bag and pulls out some sex toys, she uses them a bit with me watching and after a while I mention I also have a sex toy that hasn’t had much use since we have been together, so I pull out my fleshlight and all of a sudden she stops and says it’s disgusting.
She put all her clothes back on and we started arguing and from there it has been a running conversation for the past few days.
At this point I’m very confused as I thought it was the exact same thing as her sex toys, I can’t get a straight answer out of her as to why it’s different, some of her answers have been
“They’re for losers” I don’t know how but that kinda seems like she’s linking manliness to how much a man gets laid.
“They encourage reliance on them” Totally not true, I think my fleshlight went a long way in curing the death grip I had before I purchased it.
When I have tried asking her if the inverse is true (That typically feminine sex toys are for women who can’t get laid and they encourage reliance) I get her saying it’s different because it just is.
She didn’t talk to me much this week at work or text me much outside of arguing about this and I could be paranoid but her friends in her department have been looking at me differently and I’m worried she has told them.
This has been very hurtful and confusing for me and I can’t see a way to move forward, can anyone help me understand why she might think this way or how to justify a simple rubbery pocket to someone so against it.
33 comments
You should break up with her. She’s judgmental, idiotic, and cruel. She abides by outdated double standards.
If she can’t accept you & a your fleshlight… she’s not the one
If she is uncomfortable with it, tell her you will dispose of it and that you only used it while you were single.
Yeah that’s just hypocritical and nasty of her
Your girlfriend is a fucking idiot hahahaha
I think there’s this idea that female toys are something a couple can use during sex, but male toys like fleshlights are solo toys.
Her reaction otherwise, saying they’re for losers etc, is really judgmental and rude. The fact that she can’t even explain it shows it’s just an ingrained idea that she’s not even really thought about. They might mean she’s able to reconsider and learn, or she might be stuck in her ways.
It’s a worry that she’s now blanking you and may have told your workmates, that’s majorly immature.
Preface of I don’t agree with this but offering it as a possibility. Also its very man and woman dichotomy heavy because it’s usually spoken about in cishet context and I’m just parroting some witnessed information that might be relevant
VERY GENERALLY speaking, women are often taught one or more of several ideas relating to them being there for the man’s pleasure and to have his children so there’s a lot of this “your flower is only for your husband, men don’t want used women, sex is for procreation so his orgasm matters and yours is sinful, sex ends when he does, women are impossible to pleasure” etc.
Even a very sexually open woman can experience the ripple of those ideas. To some women the items they use are a shameful way to resolve this discrepancy in sexual pleasure, things they have to hide. Or they’re not shameful but the item serves to fix that same discrepancy, so it’s very natural for a woman but then why on earth would a man need one. Many religious women are genuinely afraid to pleasure themselves before marriage, many religious boys are encouraged to see to themselves to control urges. There are women who literally do not know they can orgasm, very few men who don’t know they can. This all comes back to seeing these items as acceptable and good for women and weird or unnecessary for men. Of course some women see men who use those items as “incels” or addicted to porn/masturbation. Commonly both men and women reference this “a woman can open her legs and have a man there in two seconds, a man has to wine and dine and beg and pamper a woman to even hope she may consider letting him look at her skin” which sounds like men have more reason to use an item than women do but that requires those imaginary women to be getting equal pleasure to not need the items and then those men she’s seeing are surely not the men who can’t even see a woman’s skin so what’s the truth here? There’s also a strong statement from men that a woman should never use any item as it’s insulting to him and maybe even basically cheating. Which sometimes causes intense reactions from women who always have or finally do enjoy items when they see a man use one because it taps into that trauma/uncertainty about female pleasure and sexuality when they think of people saying oh duh guys watch porn and jack off and have pocket pssy and use women like objects.
Again, not agreeing or encouraging anything I’ve written. And I know it’s a weird cluster of very half explained ideas and circular thinking here and there but I see and hear those things so often that it’s all a tangle in my head at this point.
So are fleshlights any good?
Get a realdoll, and make it look like her. Then once it arrives show her it, and then tell her you don’t need her anymore. /s Seriously, though she is being really silly in her double standards. However, it sounds like she is going to dump you. She specifically said only losers have them and thus she is going to think you are a loser now. Sorry dude, and good luck.
She’s a massive hypocrite, that’s all.
You can’t debunk her argument because she barely even has one.
If she doesn’t like male sex toys then she doesn’t have to use them
Why would you take the time to justify this to her? She is being ridiculous.
Your toy is no different than hers. You have one and she has at least a few – who’s more dependent?
And she was so unkind. She puts on a show for you, and then in turn, insults you about your toys. She could have given you a chance and found that it was really hot to see you use yours.
There are lots of women who would eagerly watch that. Go find one who will.
Imagine how she’ll react to the big things/decisions in life that she doesn’t agree with you on. 3 months the mask is still on and y’all haven’t faced any real adversity during this honeymoon phase. Proceed with caution.
She’s immature and a huge hypocrite. That’s all there is to it.
>I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 months,
>we were causally discussing moving in together.
Pump the breaks there. It’s only been 3 months, what’s the rush?
I think sex toys in general are weird. Maybe because they don’t work for me.
3 months in…..already discussing moving in together?
Work colleague?……overall bad idea, as is evidenced by your new paranoia that her friends are very much now aware of your sexual, private practices.
She’s a moron bro. She’s a sexist, immature, hypocritical, disrespectful moron. Please don’t date a moron. You are not safe with her, sexually. If it were her making this post, she’d get a lot of justifiable sympathy about the loser she’s dating. She’s shaming you for your preferences while expecting you to gleefully participate in her pleasure which she gets from her toys. Double standard bullshit.
she is shaming you and perpetuating toxic gender roles that help absolutely no one. it is 2022. any person of any gender is allowed to use whatever sex toys they want. she can’t come up with a response because she’s being sexist about it. frankly i think she isn’t worth the time. thank u, next.
She just told you. She thinks you are a loser. She has a sexist view on male sex toys. She thinks guys can get it anytime so they don’t need those things. Also 3 months of dating seems a little early to talk about living together.
I’d say this is a real strong contender for r/MensRights.
Double down on your stance and don’t accept that trash talk from her, if she cares about you, she’ll back down and be more understanding – if not, I wouldn’t count your blessings with this one, it’s only been three months.
It sounds like she might have some misconceptions around male sex toys, so maybe some education could help? Like internet articles and stuff?
I bought my husband a vibrating fleshlight about a year ago and I was SO STOKED to give it to him. He seemed kinda embarrassed and would hide the fact that he used it for a while. We finally had a genuine conversation where he said that he was just embarrassed because he got shamed so much when his mom found his as a teenager and thought that it may make him seem immature or gross or something. After some reassurance, he came around and now enjoys it without feeling embarrassed by it.
Edit: I just registered that she may have told your coworkers as well, and that’s very immature and unacceptable. The name calling is also pretty uncalled for. May be difficult to have a genuine conversation with this girl.
She’s a sexist, entitled piece of shit mate.
I’m afraid based on the level of maturity she’s showing I 100% think she has probably told your work colleagues… sorry but time you move on
Simple answer. Text her and say “if you fuck me more, the flashlight goes away” or just say you were using it to practice for her.
No no no .. as a woman I’m cringing reading her excuses. It’s healthy for men just as it is for women why are sex toys and porn turned into something so shameful or wrong or whatever . Ew
You have rolled up every stereotype about sex toy double standards into such a neat little package it’s difficult to believe she isn’t fictional for the purpose of debate. Giving you benefit of the doubt, she’s being hugely hypocritical and wrong in pretty much every particular.
– If sex toys are okay for women, then they are okay for men. Anything less is hypocrisy.
– it isn’t “just different.” Those are the words of someone who knows their argument is empty of merit but won’t admit it.
– if male sex toys are for “losers” who can’t get laid, presumably she doesn’t want to date a loser, so you should show her how manly you are by fucking all her friends. Bet she’ll love how much of a man you are from that.
If she did actually tell your coworkers, that should be a “frog-march her to the front entrance and shut the door in her face” offense.
That does seem hypocritical, but there is a certain stigma on guys that have the male sex toys. That’s why I never bought any. I mean it not only says you masturbate, but that you need that much help doing it. See with women the sex toys may show that the woman needs something more, to get off on her own, but that’s more excepted, because women having sex with someone else, could not be getting off, good enough, anyway. Like it’s more assumed that most guys can be handed a Hustler magazine, and some Baby oil, and they are all set. If this makes any sense?
Shes 100% told everyone you own a pocket pussy.
There’s nothing wrong with sex toys in a healthy relationship.
This is not healthy.
Why would you discuss moving in with someone you’ve only been dating 3 months? It sounds like you’re not that compatible so might as well call it quits now if you’re already arguing over small issues.
That being said, tbh I would find it kinda weird if a guy pulled out his flesh light during sex. Sure you can think she’s a hypocrite but it’s likely she thought her sex toys were something she could use to turn you on and something you could even use on her, while the fleshlight isn’t something you’d really use together. So she may have felt like you wanted to use that instead of being with her. Just a thought.
You deserve better!
3 months. You got nothing to lose. Break up with her and find someone who can respect you.
So she has a literal bag of sex toys and just wants you to watch. It’s normal though because she’s a woman and has needs.
You bring out your single toy, not even a cockdrainer 3000 and she says it’s gross? Why is it gross lol.
She sounds like a child honestly and with it only being 3 months I’d break up. Especially considering she couldn’t even talk it over she packed up and left
I can’t get over how she thinks you should get pleasure by watching her play with herself and doing nothing to you honestly.
Oh when you split up the rumours of your flashlight will probably go around, just say she took a whole bad dragon up her ass without lube
Oh…she is clearly projecting her insecurities. She is probably one of those people who feel like having s fleshlight is cheating. She is way too insecure about herself and her sexlife. I really think you should move on from her, why does she get to get off on sex toys but you can’t? She wants the entire cake and eat it too.
That is fucking wild logic on her part, wow.
I think there are definitely male sex toys that ARE concerning (like the ones that look like underaged girls), but a bland old fleshlight? Come on.