I (34F) Met a guy from a dating app twice, really nice guy, polite, chatty. Intelligent etc but I just wasn’t romantically drawn to him and though the conversation was flowing, it kinda had a colleague vibe, which was kinda my fault as I’m terrible at conversation in the first few dates and prefer the guy to lead with the flirting and I’ll bounce off it. Consequently, I decided this guy wasn’t it romantically but asked if he wanted to be friends. He was polite, but said he has a lotta friends that he’s known forever and he barely sees them, so as much as he likes me, he can’t see a friendship developing due to his hectic his life is and said the time he afforded me was due to the attention you’re having to give a romantic interest which no longer is the case. Though I understand, I felt we coulda been good friends. I don’t have many friends do kinda feel like he threw a friendship away and just because it doesn’t work out dating wise, doesn’t mean you can’t keep in touch? Anyone feel he was maybe hasty in rejecting a friendship?
35 comments
It sucks to be romantically interested in someone and then to be discarded intro the “I like you as a friend” pile. Only to then watch your friend meet and get involved with another person.
No one owes anyone a friendship. I’ve been willing to be friends with people from dating apps before and sometimes they decline, and sometimes they agree initially but they usually eventually fade out, perhaps because they really want more. That’s fine and it’s their decision to make, just as it is mine to not want anything beyond friendship.
Nothing is wrong with friends if both people want to be friends, but not everyone is on the hunt for new friends. You’re viewing this from the perspective of someone who a) did the rejection and b) actively wants new friends. He on the other hand has told you he barely sees the many friends he’s known for years – friendship is clearly not a priority for him so why would he pursue one with someone he has met twice and then rejected him.
Sounds like the guy knows what he wants and has good boundaries for himself. I get that you would like some more friends, but you’re not entitled to friendship from your dates. There are better ways to meet people for friendship.
I’ve never actually ended up being friends with any of the dates where we both agreed to be friends.
I understand both sides here. But as someone who also has a very busy life, I also would prioritise dating in the spare time I do have rather than making a new friend when I already have a good circle of them.
It takes time and effort to maintain a friendship and most people in their 30s already have that budgeted for people they have known for decades. If you’re looking for friends maybe try evening classes or meet ups?
why would he be friends with someone who rejected him romantically?
I feel like this was a pretty honest and direct answer to your proposition of friendship. Just like you properly decided that this guy wasn’t romantically it for you.
This is no harm no foul on either side.
Some men want romantic relationships and are not looking for friends. He’s not wrong in being clear and upfront with his communications. Even establishing a friendship takes time and effort and he was honest that he didn’t want to expend that on you.
Some people can’t be friends with opposite sex and just because you can or want one doesn’t mean another person is up for it. Then again it could be his ego being hurt after being romantically rejected. Just leave it as it is, you can’t force anything, friendships, love exc. it is what it is.
if he already has a lot of friends and he has a busy lifestyle, he doesn’t need another friend. also, he is looking for a relationship so any spare time he has, he will be going on dates looking for a romantic partner.
i really don’t think you should be finding friends on tinder/dating apps. you can join classes, meetups for making friends.
Yea, as everyone else is saying, he’s was right to turn you down. It would only end badly for him
If you want more friends, prioritize that in your life. It’s kind of insulting when someone offers friendship as a rejection to be honest. If you met on an online dating site, he’s not there for friendship.
I am 33M and could use some new friends right about now.
Not sure what you mean? you asked, which is fine, and he said no, which is fine. seems he was quite pleasent and explained his reasons quite politely. You can ask for what ever you want, doesn’t mean you’re going to get it. for me, I’d also say no, not out of bitterness, but because, realistically, we won’t be friends to a level that’s worth maintaining. I’m on apps to date and the only reason you’re getting x % of my time is because the getting to know you process requires an element of effort and as long as there’s romantic potential, you’ll be a priority in terms of responding to message and meeting up.
Once one of us decided after 2 dates that it’s not going to work, then I’m not interested in trying to build a friendship, again, not out of pettiness but my time is at a premium. The effort and energy I gave to you, will now go to someone else that I see romantic potential in. As for friends? I have friends I’ve known over 20 years that I have trouble catching up with, just due to how life is…with work, family, hobbies etc I barely have time for family & established friends, let alone someone I met on a dating app that I don’t really know who I’ve only met twice.
So, how am I going to build a platonic friendship in this scenario? realistically, I’m not, so it’s best to be honest up front and wish each other well with no hard feelings. Nothing wrong with asking and I’m sure there’s instances where some people would have the time/desire to build a friendship, this guy didn’t have that desire and was respectful in communicating that.
You rejected him romantically. Now he’s rejecting you platonically. Move on
No
You honestly can’t figure or fathom why he didn’t want your friendship lol
First off – if I was into someone I’d just met and they werent into me. That’s fine – but I would in no way want to continue the relationship as just friends. I know from experience, its grim to watch my friend-who-I-was-into find and date other people. And to have to pretend you’re ok with it.
Secondly – friendships do take work. I have two solid friendship groups. I see one group much more than the other but whatsapp each group everyday. However, we all agree that if we were tryjng to maintain seperate 121 friendships, it would be much harder. I totally get why he doesnt want to continue to just be friends with you.
You met on a dating app. A DATING app. And admittedly the fact that things didn’t not progress romantically is because of your lack of effort. And you asked him ti be friends? He was very polite. You should be happy for that. Try putting yourself in his shoes. He probably feels like you wasted his time.
My opinion is people you meet on dating apps are people you want to date rather than be friends with . People say let’s stay friends but i usually find after a while it fizzles out because there isn’t the emotional bond there and if you already have close friends you get that from them.
Plus if the guy likes you then it’s going to be hard for him to potentially watch her date other people. It’s not really a proper friendship as that person is always going to want more.
It’s like saying why did this guy who was looking for a car not want to buy my bike off me.
OP, put yourself in his shoes. Imagine you bearly having time and energy as it is but you really want to make room for a romantic relationship in your life. Then you finally meet someone whom you find really interesting and attractive, only for them to declare you as a friend and then watch them go and find someone else.
It sucks. You will become jealous. It’s human to feel that way. Why put yourself through that? Not saying having friends is bad, but if you’re interested in someone then why would you put yourself in that kind of position? It hurts your sense of confidence and self worth.
The offer of friendship is a consolation prize. It’s like all applying for a job, being rejected and offered a (non-paying, lacking in benefits) volunteer position, all while the employer is actively interviewing other candidates.
If he wanted a friend, he would’ve pursued a friend
If the roles were reversed, would you be asking why he wants to be friends?
As others have you said, you are not entitled to a friendship with this guy. His response was genuine and honest, what else were you expecting?
Most times I’ve been told this by women, I am generally for it. I have even tried to set up friend like activities, to no avail.
I would agree with other commenters. Going into meeting someone with romance on the mind, and it not working out, it’s best to just go separate ways.
He respectfully gave you a very understandable reason for not wanting to be friends. Let it go.
He wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with you, but you didn’t want that.
You wanted to pursue a friendly relationship with him, but he didn’t want that.
Why is rejection right for the first but not the second? We’re allowed to choose what relationship we want with the people in our lives, and you should respect his decision as much as he’s respected yours.
I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who I matched with on a dating app if they rejected me. I have lots of friends and it’s already sometimes difficult to see everyone or chat to everyone regularly.
His excuse is pretty valid – he’s looking for a relationship to invest his time in. Imagine if he starts dating someone he really likes and who really likes him but now he needs to make time for a match from OLD who wants to be friends. If I was the woman in his life I personally would not like it, especially because it’s a new friend from OLD. Nope.
“I don’t have many friends”
He was clear that he does have many friends. It’s kind of like you’re a neighbour offering flour to someone but they have a full bag of flour. You’re like “oh, but it’s so generous of me to offer, and I was out of flour recently so he should appreciate it!”
But he’s not in the same situation he has flour and doesn’t need your flour.
Also, many people find it non-genuine/dishonest to keep people as friends if they’re romantically and/or sexually interested in them. He could fall into this category.
Lastly, many people are on the app’s with a goal. Friendship isn’t it. He wasn’t hasty, your reaction is a bit strange and self-serving.
>I don’t have many friends do kinda feel like he threw a friendship away
What if he said “I don’t have a girlfriend, I feel like she threw the relationship away”. Would that suddenly make you want to date him? No. You don’t owe him a relationship just like he doesn’t owe you a friendship.
It doesn’t matter how badly *you* want a relationship/friendship if the other person doesn’t want it.
I don’t think he was hasty – but I’ve been in your shoes before and it did sting when the other person didn’t seem to be interested in a friendship. We mutually felt a lack of spark, but we’d had such beautiful conversations. I was sad about it – but at the end of the day, it’s her prerogative.
I’ve also been on the other side of things, though. Not wanting a friendship.
For me, it’s either because I have feelings for the person and therefore prefer to draw a clear line under things. Or it’s because I already have trouble finding the energy to maintain my existing friendships – so I really don’t want to add any extras right now.
Rejection is never nice! But it’s a fact of life. We can opt in or out of any kind of relationship whenever we like, for any reason we like.
Something’s off here…. 3 days ago, OP is stating that she’s married, yet dating?
He has friends that he gives social time to, and then he carved out time to specifically devote to his romantic life. Realistically, when is he supposed to see you? On a free weekend, his future partner will come first, after come all his old friends, then his family, you’d be the last person on his list. Sounds like he did the right thing.
And he didn’t throw a friendship away, because talking to someone 2 times does not a friendship make. No offence but you said you’re “terrible at conversation and prefer the guy to lead” so maybe the “conversation was flowing” due to all the effort on his part, and if he’s not getting romance out of it, why continue a platonic relationship that requires 100% work from him?
He was hasty, but that’s because he has his priorities in order (romance, friends) and I think he was doing you a favour instead of just leading you on.
Nothing is wrong with friends but he clearly communicated he doesn’t want anymore. What’s wrong with accepting his answer and letting it go?