Relationship advice needed: Dumping pent-up emotions.
I’m (31F) a year and a half in my first relationship. My boyfriend (28M) and I are both from the same region with a travel distance of let’s say one to three hours depending on where home is. We meet once a week when i’m closer to his area.
He came closer/travelled to my area four times in all our time together – all those times it felt more like he had to rather than he was really willing to come.
I have two concerns:
1. I feel like he wants to meet up only when I come over closer to his area (because of that one day of the week I have to work there) but he doesn’t make plans to come over closer to mine.
2. It doesn’t seem like he wants me to join his friend group. I understand that he can often go out with his friends because they’re also his workmates and they can make plans to go out for dinner most nights of the week. But there were big trips (glamping, Aurora Festival) and an upcoming La Union trip where it was expressed that it was a tropa-only trip. His friends and I are aware of each other but gut feel tells me he doesn’t want us to meet. Take for example the Aurora trip when I asked him to go, he said he and his tropa had already made plans. When I said let’s join them, he replied his friends would feel awkward that I’m there. I didn’t push the topic anymore and went on my own, despite the knowledge that we’re all in the same place.
It doesn’t feel good that he’s making all these plans with them and our time together is confined to two hours a week dinner. I’ve brought this topic up – that I want us to spend more time together, to try new things but it’s already getting hurtful that he turns down the plans or agrees but doesn’t follow up on the plan and goes to the place I want to try with his friends. Since we’re both working full days and I sometimes even go on night duties several times a week, we agreed to set our schedules for the big dates. But it’s like i’m the only one interested, and i have to make the plans – from scheduling, to reservation to payment. I told him I want him to plan our dates from now on, and there has been one recently. I’m looking forward to other plans, if he’d make them.
He talks a lot about us in the future but I find myself questioning his intentions because there’s no effort to develop our life story together or merge our circles at all. I don’t have a problem with him living his life but there’s a part where I’m in it too (and might play a bigger role in) and I want to feel included, not just updated. He says I love you but I can’t feel it. He posts a lot about and of us on socmed for everyone to see but i’m starting to believe it’s all for show. I lost interest in viewing his posts, stories and tweets and only respond to those i’m tagged in. We can make a pretty picture but the underlying story.. i’m beginning to question if it was there at all. Or if this was all something that glittered.
I feel guilty because i’m in my first relationship and I might be asking for too much and not appreciating the way he expresses his love. But I haven’t felt content or loved in quite a while and the last time I was vocal about it i was met with “Ano pa bang gusto mo?” It hurts and i am getting tired. Will it get better? Is waiting the key?
The past few weeks I find myself just going with the flow. He chats, I reply but it’s close to just being polite. I lost the excitement of talking or sharing my day with him because most of the time he dismisses the topic so soon to go back to his own kwento about his work, his tropa. And when it’s done he tells me he’s tired and would like to sleep but he’s reacting on socmed until 1am. He says he loves me and I say it back, because I do. I really do. But I don’t feel wanted beyond once a week dates and week-long chats. “I love you” can only do so much. If this is going somewhere I need something to believe in.
Thoughts.