Despite how the title sounds, I (F19) have been in a good relationship with my partner (M19), for over a year and a half. But I am the problem in this relationship. I and my partner spend long time talking about our needs and boundaries in the relationship, and I’m so happy that I got such an amazing partner that actually loves me.
Nonetheless, I cannot fully commit to him. I’ve been lately dealing with a lot of childhood trauma, and stuff I picked up in my childhood, that I have never realized taht was there, until like a half year ago. Just lately I’ve realized how much my mental health had been bad and how terrible I am actually feeling.
Especially around two weeks ago. It came to a point where I didn’t have enough strength to stand up my bed or do anything at all, bc when I did, I felt like crying and breaking down. It took me a while to bounce back a little, and today I checked my phone for messages.
That’s when I read a message from one of my friends (m18), who told sended me messages of telling me how apathetic, selfish and unloved I was bc of pulling that stunt with leaving and not answering messages. He told me how much everyone will hate me for it, that he’s glad what happened with me and my alcoholic grandfather and that the only reason my mom got pregnant again was bc she’s trying to replace me to get a child she will actually love.
It’s hard to even write this stuff down, it hurts so much. Not only bc what he said is hurtful, but also because I didn’t tell him this information. I was always trying to not mention my trauma too much to my friends, bc I didn’t want the tragedies or my sexuality to defy me as a person. The only person taht knew about it all, about my insecurities and details of my trauma was no other person than my boyfriend. I don’t trust my boyfriend anymore, I hate what he did, it was shitty. I feel so betrayed right now, and all I wish is to go back to my bed and don’t wake up for the next 5 days.
That friend of mine, won’t be my friend anymore, especially since he was also the person that broke me up with my previous relationship.
Still, I feel like it’s my fault for wanting to end this relationship. It’s as if my issues are the reason why they never last. Maybe it is my fault. Probably is. Because how can someone like me have anything good in life for long. Despite it all, I love my boyfriend, but I don’t feel like I want to be in a relationship with him anymore, and I don’t know how to tackle it.
TL:DR
My boyfriend told some sensitive information about me to my friend. I have been away from media for around 2 weeks because of mental health issues and now that friend of my texted me how terrible I am for leaving everyone and told me taht everything taht happened to me was my fault. Now i don’t want to be in relationship with my boyfriend despite loving him. But I feel like it’s my fault for this relationship fallout.