TLDR: I’m in a new state where I have no friends or family. I’m lonely and I have feelings for my introverted weedhead roommate. He’s given me mixed signals. We’ve had a somewhat challenging relationship, though it’s also been equally rewarding. However, he’s grown close to our newest roommate (also a weedhead) and it’s made me call into question just how much of a “introverted” “loner” he really is. Seeing their dynamic, and how frequently they hangout, I’m fearful that the real reason behind his wishy-washy aloofness and weird energy with me has never actually been the introversion, but rather the problem’s been that he really was just never truly interested in a friendship with ME (specifically) all along. I shared these thoughts with him via my diary. But, he continues to deny what I’m seeing with my own two eyes, i.e. that he’s got some sort of underlying issue with me that’s at the root of the STARK contrast in how comfortable and relaxed he is with the roommate, versus how tense and anxious he often appears to be around me. I feel like I’m being gaslighted since he won’t own up to it, which is driving me crazy. Do you think my long text messages will only serve to make matters worse? His response doesn’t make me hopeful. Am I being unreasonable?
Text messages here: I can’t seem to attach the screenshots of our texts, so I’ll see if I can edit them in or post them below in the comments.
Background: I’m 31 trans mtf. Due to unforeseen life events, I moved to a new state several years ago and had to start all over from scratch. This is my first time being completely on my own in the world. I have no friends or family support system here. I’ve been renting out a room in a house with 4 other people. I’m still struggling to adjust culturally, ethnically, financially, and socially to this new state. So, I thought living with other people would help me find a sense of community. Long story short: Most of them are very introverted and aloof and not very warm and friendly. They all have known each other for a while and since I’ve moved in I never felt like I fit in. Miscommunication abounds b/c they come from COMPLETELY different realities, plus they’ve met me in a time where I’m going through a prolonged period of being at my absolute lowest and trying to unlearn and purge and heal from A LOT of dysfunction in my past. I’m also now transitioning, mtf. So, I’ve got a lot going on and I’m still pretty fragile and they’re not the types to be comforting or touchy feely. So, I haven’t gotten the support that I’ve been desperately aching for. I have a lot more success with people I meet outside of the house who are warmer and friendlier, however those relationships have never totally managed to blossom into anything substantial. The reason I haven’t moved out is because it’s not all bad; I think they’re generally good people with good hearts, and we do have many things in common. So, I don’t want to give up on it. There have been improvements and compromises on all parts so it’s not like they’re toxic or intentionally harmful. But, also…I developed strong feelings for one of the roommates. And I told him several years ago. We’ve had some “interesting” encounters since then that make me seriously question his self-professed sexuality and he’s given me mixed messages where it seems like he’s coming on to me despite never being shy to remind me that he’s a loner who just doesn’t want to be bothered with people in general. So, obviously he stays to himself most of the time. Which is a conundrum for me since he’s the person I’ve grown the closest to. We’ve shared so much with each other, including very intimate, sweet moments here and there. But, as I said he’s very hot and cold with me. (Which to some degree I am understanding of, because he’s got a lot going on internally himself that he’s dealing with.) For a while I came to a peaceful acceptance of this though, as I noticed he was sort of distant not just with me but with everyone. BUT… we’ve gotten a new roommate who’s been with us for about a year and I’ve noticed that the same rules and boundaries and the whole loner excuse that he uses with me have magically disappeared when it comes to the new roommate. He doesn’t make excuses to get out of spending time with him. He’s totally embraced and welcomed him with open arms and their dynamic is the sort of playful fun relationship I had envisioned for us since I moved into the house a few years ago. But, the issue isn’t simply that he appears to take more kindly to him. It’s also that I feel like he gaslights me on the two or three occasions that I’ve gently broached the subject. It hurts not just that I feel like I’m losing the one person in this state that I was the closest to, but that he is also lying and not being honest with me about it when I try to ask why he treats the two of us so differently. The energy between us definitely feels like it’s strange sometimes like he doesn’t like being around me. But, he’s continued to deny this and claims it’s all in my head. Last night, he and the new guy were hanging out working on his car, so I decided to muster up the courage to go and join them despite the fear that I would just end up feeling like a 3rd wheel as usual. And surprise surprise, guess what happened. The vibe between them was upbeat and fun and jolly. But, towards me he was very apathetic and quiet like he just wanted me to leave them alone. Eventually, he sort of rushed me away after the other guy left. And so I took the hint, went to my bedroom and poured all of my feelings into my diary. I usually keep these feelings inside, but I couldn’t go to sleep with all of this on my mind. So, I decided to text him my diary entry of that night, which went into detail about how sad that night was for me, because I figured communication is key and it’s not healthy to keep holding things in like I’ve been doing. But, true to his nature, he totally got all Spok on me and basically said I was being too emotional. All I’m really hoping to get from posting this on Reddit, is some feedback regarding our text correspondence with each other. What do you who read this take away from it? Am I being clear in communicating my thoughts and feelings to him? Does he sound like an emotionally detached person? Or am I being unreasonable? Where do you see the breakdown in communication? Are we missing each other’s points? Thank you for your time and your help!
1 comment
Text Messages pasted here:
Him: [Name redacted], I say this as kindly and succinctly as I can. You are going to go through life perpetually being hurt if you continue to come to logical and/or emotinal conclusions that are based on only a portion of the available data. Today was a very busy, stressful day. I’m sorry if I didn’t have time to hang out.
Im not sure what sort of reply, if any, you are expecting via text or otherwise, but I read your diary. If you believe that the things you have written in your diary are true, I don’t know what I can say except for, ok.
Me: The only sort of reply I wanted, is just clarity. I’m not (and never have) claimed that what I wrote is true, because I do in fact know and acknowledge that I only have part of the data. That’s why I’ve chosen to be so vulnerable and shared this with you. Because, I wanted more data from you…so that I wouldn’t drive myself crazy speculating and guessing as to the reasons for why I perceive there to be such a discrepancy between how you’ve befriended [the newer roommate] yet keep me at such distance.
Me: I’m not asking for or expecting pity or for you to be my best friend. I’m just asking for more data, because I want to develop a better understanding and awareness for what the actual truth of the matter is.
Me: Maybe then I can actually have a different perspective (i.e. yours) to help make sense of where there’s been miscommunication and where I may be misinterpreting things.
Me: So, just clarity. That’s what I’m wanting most of all. And idk, it would be nice if that clarity did lead to a better situation between us, where we can both be happy and friendly with a greater understanding of one another.
Me: Your response of “Ok” doesn’t really provide any sort of clarity or helpful data that I am seeking. But, I can understand what you were saying about the day being long and stressful. That was helpful information. So, thank you for that. Although, it doesn’t clear up everything for me. Also, I appreciate you for trying your best to be as kind as possible in your reply.
Me: It’s honestly hard enough for me to get through the day with so many unanswered questions that I have regarding this still weighing so heavy on my chest. So, I’m glad that at the very least you’re not choosing to make this worse by choosing callousness over compassion.
Me: I really don’t have anything more to say via text. I’m sorry to have dumped all of this on you at night. But, I’ve been holding it in for so long trying to wait for the right time and right way to approach you with it. And, finally it all just bursted! I hope I haven’t made matters worse in how I’ve gone about this. And I hope you understand that I don’t mean any harm and that I’m doing the best I can to be a good housemate and friend despite everything else I’m going through right now in my life.