I (29F) met a guy (32M) online and he took me out for dinner/drinks a couple times. We immediately hit it off and the 4th time we went on a date, I planned a cute picnic for us. We’ve been dating for only 3 weeks. Initially he was love bombing me. He told me he loved me after the first week. I said it back after 2 weeks (during our first time having sex).
He texts me all the time .. like after every couple of hours but I feel like he never really initiates meeting much. He says he’s super busy with work, which I do believe. He’ll often say that we’ll meet tomorrow but then he cancels. I confronted him about this and he said he’s a “yes man” and its hard for him to say no to me.
Initially I told him lets take it slow, because he was going a bit fast. But now that I’m falling for him more, he’s now telling me to take it slow. He said its only been 3 weeks. I told him I understand this but I wasnt the one lovebombing and accelerating things so fast.
He said he’s not looking for a hookup and he genuinely wants to find a wife. He has his own place but doesn’t want to invite me over because he doesn’t just bring “any girl home” and if I come over then it’s going to be like I’m his “wifey”.
A couple of days ago he was feeling down. I met up with him and gave him a care package with some of his favourite things. I wanted to show him I do genuinely care about him.
Yesterday during our phone conversation, I started crying. I told him that I feel like he’s not spending enough time with me. He said that hes busy with work and I should understand.
This morning I messaged him:
“Hey Im sorry about yesterday. I was in my feelings lol. I understand if you want your space or whatever you want do with us is cool too.”
Its been 5 hours and I havent heard back from him.
TL;DR I know I was too clingy/needy but Im usually never like this. He lovebombed me and got me to fall for him and now hes pulling back. Im so confused. Did i do too much damage? How do I redeem myself?
7 comments
Definitely take a step back and remind yourself you barely know him, hence you are in love with more of the idea of him. What do you mean you don’t think he has been spending enough time with you? It’s only been three weeks. The most you should see each other by now is maybe two or three dates for a few hours.
Let me get this straight, this guy is telling you to slow down after love bombing you after only a week together? That’s comical. I would absolutely take a step back and SLOW DOWN. Love bombing is always a red flag. Always. It shows lack of self worth (because he doesn’t know you), possibly trying to set up some type of control later, or maybe manipulation. You cannot “love” someone after a week. It’s not possible. I’d ask him what his definition of love is.
Based on what I read, I think you’re way too invested in this person this early. These things take time. Focus on your career, gym and friends for a bit. Find that balance and take things slow. There’s no rush
OP, you are acknowledging the red flags, but proceeding anyway.
why?
If the FIRST WEEK of him LOVE BOMBING you isn’t a RED flag…. Then I must be blind… just step back and reconsider your feelings… at this point it’s just Lust! This guy is better off getting himself a mail ordered bride since he’s trying to get a Wife.
But dropping the L bomb after the first week is some crazy AF behavior. Now your stuck becase you said it after TWO weeks! Y’all are meant for each other! Lol!!
this is a good example of ppl throwing powerful meaningful words around and not understanding the true value behind those words.
Yikes. Maybe read up on anxious preoccupied attachment and fearful avoidant attachment styles and see if that sheds light on anything. Honestly the fact that you feel needy is a sign that this relationship isn’t for you, especially if you don’t usually feel this way in relationships. And also yeah the early I love you is… a huge red flag. Good luck!
Sounds like you’ve met a serial situationship guy. He’s probably done this so many times.
Don’t let him text you all the time. Use text to set up dates and that’s it. Text is used to create false intimacy.
You’re also overcompensating for him with the gft baskets so stop doing that. Match his energy and that’s it. Boundaries can also be the limits you set for yourself.
Don’t listen to words. Watch actions.
The whole “ I don’t bring any girl home” is actually a power play that blocks normal intimacy which causes you to do the “ pick me” dance. He’s trying to dangle a carrot.
Where does he even work? Sounds like he’s seeing someone else or using work as an excuse to induce abandonment issues in you. You’re being neglected which explains the crying. This makes a HORRIBLE partner long-term because why would you want to date someone who never has time for you?
Have you watched the tinder swindler? The pattern is similar
Nope, you are both not ready for anything serious.