Sometimes I wonder if I’m destined to be single for life

25 comments

1. “I’ve never experienced failure in life”. You have. Trust me. Everyone has. You need to LET GO

2. You are aware of the issue, which is great.

   Whenever your anxiety is telling you to run, just go for a really long run/walk and really do an introspective on whether this is your anxiety or logic talking.

   This usually calms me down

3. >Sometimes I wonder if I’m destined to be single for life

   I worry about that too but then I remember I don’t believe in fate.

4. Username checks? 🤔

5. It seems you have things more or less figured out, you know where the problem is, and just like everything you did in life just work on it and try to improve and hopefully you’ll get there. I recently noticed that my anxiety is affecting me much more than I thought and I’m currently working on it in different ways and feel much more confident although not perfect, but in basically another world than I was 5 years ago.

   Work on it, you’ll be fine, you don’t seem to have any fundamental issues.

6. > I’ve never experienced failure in life. Part of the reason is because I am stubbornly persistent but the main reason is because I never put myself out there.

   “It is impossible to live without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.” ― J.K. Rowling

   Living in fear and not willing to try things you’re not good at can be seen as failure.

   ​

   >I’m recently back and again met a great guy. We’ve been on a few dates and I enjoy spending time with him and chatting with him. But I’m worried that I will self sabotage and break things off again before it gets more serious.
   >
   >How can I open myself up to be more vulnerable and to want to be with someone.

   Recognizing the issue, is great but what steps are you taking to heal?

   I’d recommend, therapy, journaling, meditation. Try to get to the root of why you self sabotage so you can heal that.

   Failure is inevitable, heartbreak may happen but fear of being hurt or failing shouldn’t hold you back. Let go of control, stop allowing your fears to dictate your life.

7. >I never really felt like I was missing anything with my lack of relationship because all other aspects of my life was fulfilling enough. But now that I’m in my 30s I’m beginning to worry that I will regret this.

   If you are starting to feel this now, and you don’t change things, I can almost guarantee you later on in your life you will look back and regret not trying. That will be WAY more painful than whatever possible failure you could get from trying to date now. It’s ok to fail, that’s how you eventually get to success. It’s very rarely a straight path to success.

   This is also why I force myself to get out there and date, I’d be so disappointed if I didn’t do things that challenged me. Lots of good things in life come from taking risks, doing the work, and making yourself vulnerable.

8. Your post gives me avoidant attachment vibes (and I am an avoidant myself). People w/ avoidant attachment might want a relationship but tend to avoid emotional vulnerability and can sabotage developing relationships when things start to get intimate/real. They tend to be quite independent and self-reliant. You can google attachment theory (it’s a major well backed up theory in psychology) for more info and to see if the avoidant category describes you or not.

   If this relationship (or any relationship) is something you want to pursue, it might be worth talking to a therapist who can help you overcome the emotional barriers and fears that are getting in the way of actually getting involved in a relationship. If you don’t want a relationship but only feel pressure because of society, you don’t have to get involved in one- lifelong single ppl can be happy and are totally valid too.

9. First of all, be more confident and allow yourself to fail. You can’t win if you don’t play.

   You just need a few wins.

   I was the opposite of you. I was a terrible student until I found a passion, then I became the best at age 26 – the top of my Army Flight School class. I learned to put the same passion into everything I learned.

   You just need a few wins.

   I struggled with weight, and applied the same principle. At almost 50, I not only lost weight, but I stepped onstage in front of 10,000 people there to judge me against 20 year olds in a men’s fitness competition. I didn’t win, but I beat more than half of them and it gave me more confidence.

   You just need a few wins.

   I was walking into a grocery store one day after a workout when a very attractive woman in her forties said, “Thanks for the eye candy!” I was shocked and said, “I’m sorry. What did you say?” She repeated it, to which I said, “Thank you! No one has ever said anything like that to me before. I deeply appreciate it.”

   So, Superficial, you just need a few wins. But those wins come with losses just like batting in baseball. A great baseball player doesn’t get on base 70% of the time. Is he a loser? No.

   Neither are you. Just keep swinging. (No pun intended). You just need a few wins. You are indeed lovable. Let someone in and be okay with striking out more times that you connect.

10. Giving up before you fail is failure

11. It’s freaky to me how similar your story is to my own 32F. It’s depressing to think you’re destined to be alone forever and meant to be single. It’s extra hard for us because we are used to being single, it’s our default. Part of the reason comes from being so content by ourselves. We don’t need someone in our lives. I wish I had some good advice because I’m trying to figure it out myself. Just know that you are not the only one who feels this way and I understand completely where you are coming from.

12. it sounds like dating is something you aren’t “good at” and you’re so scared to break your “no failure” streak (which i don’t entirely believe – surely something has not gone the way you wanted in your life) that you stop before you even start.

    you are not “destined” to be single. i’m a lot like you in terms of loving time to myself, enjoying skincare and self care and such. but that doesn’t mean i don’t have space in my life for a relationship. i’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and while we give each other time to do our own thing, we also are best friends who could happily hang out every day and not feel smothered or like we were losing our independence. in a healthy relationship with the right person, the two can easily coexist.

    i would recommend seeking therapy for avoidance, and then just – getting out of your comfort zone! don’t let your fear of failure prevent you from opening up, developing feelings, and experiencing life.

13. Easy – date me. I’m 100% failure. You’ll soon acclimate.

14. This is a tough one. I found myself in the same situation about 5 years ago. I just got used to being single and I ended up getting back from my ex. Things were good for a while, but I can’t not say I didn’t miss the alone time I had before and the money I could spend on myself without question. A relationship is a sacrifice with good and bad attributes. You just got to make the decision do you want to be with someone full time to the good and the bad or do you want to make yourself the priority and casually have friends but never having that one close intimate partner.

15. Therapy. I would guess that you have some childhood trauma or entrenched family beliefs regarding vulnerability and emotional control. Being able to at least name the origin of your issue will help immensely.

16. I see a lot of myself in your post.

    >being single my entire life also means I’m pretty set in my ways and lifestyle. I’m used to having full control of my time

    Ugh this spoke directly to me. Same!

    >How can I open myself up to be more vulnerable and to want to be with someone.

    If you figure this out, let me know.

    ​

    Sorry, I have no advice, just letting you know you’re not alone in feeling this way.

17. >I never really felt like I was missing anything with my lack of relationship because all other aspects of my life was fulfilling enough. But now that I’m in my 30s I’m beginning to worry that I will regret this.

    I can relate. I’m not really interested in dating right now, but I feel like I have to because I might regret it later.

18. “There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.”

    It’s your life. You only get to do it once. If you want to be single, be single. If you want to find someone, get up off your couch, put on some makeup and go find someone.

19. Can’t win if you don’t even play the game.

    To be honest, given your dating inexperience you’re going to have a LOT of failures no matter who you date. Going through the failures of being incompatible, not having congruent communication styles, and not having an obvious “goal” you can achieve in a relationship, just to name a few things.

    I grew up much the same way, my parents made me focus on school and not much else. It’s one of the reasons I’m super introverted with social anxiety. Only in recent years, as I got to 30+, have I grown as a person and realized the invaluable learning I get from “failing” in life. Learning to love myself more from failing in social situations, from breaking up a long-term relationship, from progressing in my career.

    You need to be more vulnerable with yourself, and accept that failure and hardship, in their own funny way, are two of life’s greatest teachers. The older you get, the harder it will be to get on that journey.

20. Honestly, are you in therapy? I think everyone should be. And you definitely, by your own admittance, have some issues you need to work through in why you push people away when things start to get serious. Are you just afraid of rejection so you want to be the first one to reject? Are you afraid someone won’t like who you are and you “can’t fail” so you cut things off before you open up to save face? Things to think about and dive into with a licensed therapist.

    There’s nothing wrong with being single if that is where you are most content, but the fact that you’re asking for dating advice and are clearly going out on dates, both tell me that you want something more. If you want a romantic relationship it’s work. It’s not easy. You will have to be vulnerable. You will have to fail. It’s part of the whole thing. You can’t win every time in a relationship. It’s about compromise.

    I wish you the best OP! Dating is strange for everyone but equip yourself with the tools to succeed and I think part of that includes diving into these hang ups you have with a mental health professional.

21. Did I write this?

    41M and I am pretty much exactly the same. I had a few girlfriends in my teens. A few in my 20’s, but nothing ever lasted more than 6 weeks. Did have a LDR for a longer period, but once things got real when we started spending time together, I panicked and killed it.. again after 6 weeks.

    I now haven’t had a date in something like 8 years. There is the fear of rejection, and also the fear of more self sabotage and ending something that is possibly good over some minor infraction.

    I don’t know how to change, and I don’t know if I ever will change.

22. The greatest risk in life is not taking any risks..:have to to find happiness

23. The no failure part is a lie. You’ve failed at relationships because you self sabotage and break them off. That isn’t good but it’s good you’re recognizing these patterns.

    You sound like a guy I am currently going on dates with who says he is avoidant attached. There’s a book called “Attached” you may want to read. Additionally, I love this YouTube channel.

    Here’s a video on the dismissive avoidant that you may find helpful.

    You really have to work on this though because dismissive avoidants suck to date as they aren’t vulnerable enough and overly independent to where it is actually a negative thing in a relationship.

    https://youtu.be/Eph9Z96NF4E

24. As someone that has had great relationships/marriage and grown into being a bachelor. You don’t. Humans are creatures of habit. I couldn’t imagine being single so I was in the habit of being a relationship type. Now I’ve developed the habits of a bachelor and that’s what I am.

    Being single is great because you don’t have to compromise. And being in a relationship is great because your partner makes you want to.

25. > 33F and I have not had any long term relationship nor much dating experience.

    No relationships? Have you just hooked up and slept around for the past 15+ years or?

    > before things got serious I broke things off because it just got too real.

    This sounds very avoidant, have you talked to a therapist?