I met Micheal about 3 weeks ago. We have been talking every day and we don’t flirt or anything. We just get along really well and have great rapport. So I referred to Micheal as a friend and he proceeded to tell me that he doesn’t want to be “put in a box” and that we shouldn’t label things. That he doesn’t want to be “forced” to be friends because “what if he wants something else.” I never forced anything I just used that word because I didn’t know how else to refer to him. It got me thinking because what else does he think is going to happen? I have made clear that I’m seeing/dating another person and we literally talk every day and have gotten pretty close over these 3 weeks. I know that doesn’t make someone your friend, nor did I think that it does but I used the word out of convenience and I’m surprised by how extreme his reaction was.
I’m on this journey where I want to make new connections and he might be one of them. I like him as a person and I want to make sure he doesn’t feel pushed into a box but I also don’t want there to be miscommunication. For now I’m calling him my acquaintance, but how do I navigate the vagueness as we get to know each other? I’d like to hear from men that have been in the same position.
TL;DR: I met Micheal three weeks ago, we are building great rapport but then he freaked out when i referred to him as “friend”. I’ve agreed to not put a label on anything but I also don’t know how to navigate the connection and I also don’t really understand his reaction. It’s just a word.
35 comments
He is overreacting hard. It’s obvious that he really likes you, but turning your nose up to the word “friend” is weird. Your partner should be your “friend” first… why is that a bad thing?
If my someone i wanted to date called me their acquaintance 3 weeks after i met them, i’d be a little weirded out. Just say friend, in my opinion.
Bottom line, call him whatever you want. Friend is absolutely appropriate. He’s not your boyfriend, you don’t owe him room to be “something else”
Your “friend” doesn’t see you as a friend.
He sees you as a potential GF, and *nothing* else. He doesn’t value your friendship. He finds the idea of being your friend so worthless, that it is insulting to him.
Friendship isn’t a box. It’s a gift. He threw it back in your face because he felt it meant you had ruled out fucking him. And what if *he* wants to fuck *you* someday!?
End contact. You don’t want to date a person who is enraged by the very idea you *might* not want to date or sleep with them in the future. And you don’t want to be that person’s friend either.
If you keep speaking, this will not the last time he turns on you in anger for not providing him with what he wants.
He’s afraid of being “friend-zoned” because he wants to date you, not be friends. You should scale things back because your intentions for the relationship and his are contradictory. Guys who are concerned about being “friend-zoned” often fall on the “nice guy” spectrum, where they think that if they pay for it by being “nice” to you, you are obligated to start dating them or you’re ripping them off. He’s not your friend.
This guy wants to date you. He’s upset about being “friend-zoned” (which we know isn’t a thing). I think you should move on from this connection since you’re looking for friends and this guy is definitely not interested in being your friend.
Just call him an acquaintance then, if he doesn’t want to be a friend
He freaked out because he’s into you, not because he ideologically objects to bring constrained by a box in a logical and principled manner.
This to me is a red flag and I would be wary going forward. He obviously wants to date you but it is weird getting so upset because great relationships include friendship.
I’d ask yourself if you want to date him. Dating doesn’t always mean sex. It means spending time together with romantic intentions. In the olden days it was called courting.
If you aren’t attracted to him and can not see dating him you need to set boundaries. If you are potentially interested you need to spell that out.
Hey, “friend”. I would like to date you in order to see if this has potential to turn into a relationship someday. and within that set your boundaries. Dating for me means x,y,z. We are allowed to date other people until we have a talk about exclusivity. I don’t have sex with someone I’m dating only in a committed monogamous relationship or I may be open to sex with someone I’m dating but it still takes me some time to feel comfortable to do so. Or If we are having casual sex, there will have to be protection used by both parties.
You said you are currently dating someone else. He may think that is casual and you are open to him because you are spending a lot of time with someone you just met.
Another person mentioned nice guy mentality and there are certainly guys that do that. Only pretend to be your friend in hopes of sleeping with you someday and unless you make it perfectly clear that is not going to happen, they keep up a fake friendship that falls apart when you do set boundaries.
Good luck.
Red flag red flag red flag
Saying he doesn’t want to be friends is like saying he’s entitled to more than friendship
There is NOTHING wrong with friendship. It’s one of the greatest things in life and plenty of relationships have started as friends
But no he does not want that. He wants to forever be a possible romantic partner to you
You have to see how significant this problem is.. If he isn’t a potential romantic partner he doesn’t value you as a friend
Red flag 🚩
Yeah, he doesn’t want to already be friend-zoned by you. He’s most likely into you – and if you don’t step back from this friendship it is probably going to cause major issues down the road with your current partner.
“Thanks for making it clear you don’t want to be my friend. Since I’m not interested in being anything else, we should probably stop hanging out and talking.”
He thinks you are romantically involved. Tell him you are seeing someone else and you two seem to want different things. Then end contact. You aren’t friends. He’s just a guy that wants to date you.
He want’s to date you, not be friends.
The ball is in your court, either ask him out or tell him you’re not intressted and end the “friendship”.
Don’t be silly! Continue to call him your friend. That’s what we do conventionally.
There was no miscommunication. He doesn’t accept that you are not available romantically. I don’t see how you can continue to socialize with him, or would want to. He doesn’t accept your clearly stated boundaries.
I’d say “I’m confused by what you said. When you said you didn’t like me calling you my friend what did you mean? “
Then wait. Make him name it. If he “wants something else” meaning that he wants to date or hook up with you he needs to own those feelings/wants. Then you will have clear information on which to base your own decisions.
Because if this is a pseudo friendship where he thinks that if he’s nice to you now he can date or fuck you later then you might want to opt out.
He doesn’t like *you* as a person or a friend. He’s hoping you’ll cheat or break up and he can swoop in. Don’t even bother with him. Being someone’s **friend** is awesome! It’s not a consolation prize. But he is **not** here to be a friend to you.
I think you need to be blunt with this guy because he is clearly not wanting to be just friends.
“That he doesn’t want to be “forced” to be friends because “what if he wants something else.””
Tell him that “something else” was never even an option for him. Honestly, with some people you have to literally spell it out for them because they can’t their heads around the idea that you don’t want to fuck them.
He has fuck-zoned you. He doesn’t want to be your friend.
Red flags! He doesn’t think you have the right to decide you don’t want to date him.
Yikes. Three weeks and he’s already being possessive like that? Stop hanging out with this guy.
He’s not your friend. Your only worth to him is someone he wants to date.
“I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who would be very pissed to hear me say that.”
Dude obviously only wants to date you. How did you meet him?
If he finds the term friend offensive then he isn’t your friend. That leaves him as either a romantic partner or an acquaintance. Do you talk to acquaintances daily? If not drop him down to occasional at most because you aren’t looking for a romantic relationship.
It’s like a red flag when someone objects to being called a friend.
Sigh. You’re trying so hard to be a nice person here, but basically he’s saying that he wants more, and isn’t interested in friendship.
Not sure I’d keep talking to this person every day. He clearly wants more and told you as much.
Just a heads up. It’s 100% obvious he isn’t interested in being just “friends”. He’ll always want more and will try and push boundaries. Not saying it isn’t possible to have purely platonic male friends but it is pretty rare, pretty much the 90/10 rule on on that. But just be aware of his intentions
He said “what if I want something else” and that didn’t have you immediately running? What a gross thing to say. How are you interpreting that other than that he wants the option to pursue you romantically? If I was your boyfriend I would feel incredibly disrespected if you continued to talk to him.
He’s not a friend. He’s putting in time being nice so that he can get into your pants.
Michael has no intention of being friends with you
Instead of calling him “friend” call him “that guy I used to know”.
Nope nope nope! Less than an acquaintance, and he wants more. He’s attracted to you, and NOT respecting your boundaries.
OP, you were in no way being unreasonable here.
“Friend” is exactly the right thing to call someone you’ve been spending a lot of time with.
You sound like you’re worried you’ve accidentally triggered some sensitivity of Micheal’s. That he has some specific objection to being called a “friend,” and that means you hurt him, albeit unintentionally.
Let’s go with that, as the most charitable interpretation imaginable.
Ok. So he’s told you he doesn’t like being called “friend”.
…what now?
Has he told you words he _is_ okay with you using? Has he explained what “something else” options he might be deliberating between? Has he acknowledged, in any way, that _it makes sense_ for you to have called him “friend” and it wasn’t unreasonable or unkind of you to do so?
I can guess the answers to all these questions, and they are all “he wants to date you and is angry you haven’t reciprocated but without him even asking”. But hey. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he has _great_ answers to all of these!
If you know the answers, you know where you stand. If you really and truly aren’t sure what Micheal’s answers will be, well, these are good questions you can actually ask.
*”Okay then, Micheal, we’re not friends. Sorry I referred to you as such.”*
NTA, what a dweeb
He doesn’t want to be friends because he’s into you. Set your boundaries and be firm with them
My favorite part is how he assumed he could be something more without actually bringing it up with you at any time in a normal, adult way and instead, using you calling him a friend as an opener. That in itself shows his maturity level and why he will forever feel “unfairly friendzoned”. Boo fucking hoo Michael.
But minus my vent, if you do value what you guys have and you do have a good rapport, use that to your advantage to educate him a bit on his behavior maybe. Otherwise, I really love what MuppetManiac wrote out on what to say if he’s just super abrasive/weird/being uncomfortable for you about this whole ordeal.
I’m confused what you’re confused about- he literally said “what if I want to be more?”
He doesn’t want to be friend zoned.
He isn’t your friend he’s tryna fuck you.
Hes pretty entitled to have the balls to basically say “I haven’t decided if we will be dating yet so don’t use that word.”
Uh, no. You don’t want him as a bf, you already have one. If he doesn’t want to be friends, than you have no reason to continue hanging out with him. I know you want to find friends and might feel like you need to continue hanging with him, but this is exactly the type of friend you don’t want to have. Quality over quantity or time, you’d be much happier when you come across someone who you have much more fun times with.
Good friends don’t have such a stupidly extreme reaction to being a called a friend. Because he isn’t a good friend. He ain’t it sis