I (23F) met my boyfriend, I’ll call him Ryan, when I was 20, at a singles speed dating event. Only a couple of months before this, I’d relocated to this new city, mostly for work, and I didn’t know many people, and dint have any family here.
The speed dating event was for singles aged 20-35. I wasn’t looking for anything really serious but when I met Ryan, we instantly hit it off and started seeing each other more often. He told me he was 31. It was a bit more of an age gap than I’d have preferred, but I felt a real connection and looked past it.
We dated for 2.5 years. It was an unusual relationship, but I fell in love with Ryan so much that I looked past a lot of things. He said he had a complicated relationship with his family, and due to cultural reasons (Asian background) they wouldn’t want to meet me until we were committed, pretty much, to marriage. I have a complicated relationship with my own family, so I understood. He normally came to my place, the times I were at his house (he lived with his brothers family, including a couple of kids), when his brother wasn’t home, looked normal. It was evident a couple of kids lived there, and his brother and brothers wife, so it all matched up.
I saw quite a bit of Ryan, however, I was quite busy in my own life. I worked weekends often, so we usually spent time during the week. I had a busy schedule and I knew he did too, and it was never a problem if our schedules didn’t align sometimes.
Fast forward to now. I have wanted to take the next step in the relationship for a little while. I wanted to live together and for him to take the step to introduce me to his family. He kept saying he would, we made a plan, but whenever it came time for action he would always back out, claiming he didn’t think I was ready.
Long story short, I felt something was wrong, and did some serious investigation of my own. Lo and behold, I discovered he’d lied about his age – by 16 years. He was in fact 47 when we’d met. I confronted him, and turns out he has a 9 year old child he has part custody of as well, and an ex wife with whom the divorce was being finalised with, when I met him.
It was really devastating to me. I loved this guy. He had woven this perfect tale of lies, it was really well thought out. He didn’t look his age at all, and at one point, I’d seen a fake ID. He had his daughter on some weekends, when I was busy, and some other times – but had planned it all perfectly so I didn’t suspect anything.
Although I’m devastated, I love this guy. Part of me still wants to try for a relationship with him, now the main barrier is out of the way. Now I know the truth, we could finally be together and do everything I wanted to. The age gap is the biggest problem, because I still want to have kids. I don’t know what to do. The thought of leaving him is overwhelming. I love him.
Any advice?
32 comments
If he lied about this, imagine what else he is hiding. Run for the hills. He is also old enough to be your dad- ewww.
There are so many problems here. Pretend you were listening to a girlfriend or a sister tell you this. You would tell her to stay far away from this man. He has been sucking you in with lies. Now the truth is trickling out. He managed to hide a daughter for two years. Think about that all the way around – he doesn’t let his daughter or his family meet you and you don’t get true details about them. I don’t know how you can believe anything he says. He loves with a brother when you go over but he is usually visiting your place.
You might be a mistress.
You didn’t fall in love with him, you fell in love with a fictional version of himself. You don’t know him, you know his lies.
Look at it this way, he had no problem taking away your agency to decide if you want to date someone who’s 47 or someone with a child. You might have anyways, but he didn’t even let you decide.
So what if you arrive at the next roadblock where he feels he should make your decisions? You might never even know that there’s a decision you *could* or should make for yourself.
I personally think you need to have sociopathic tendencies at least to lie about things so big for so long, without the other person catching on and without ever breaking down and telling the truth. I’d be truly careful.
It’s not only two lies. It’s a thousand lies he needed to make to your face without blinking to keep his stories up. This is effing creepy.
> Now I know the truth
You know what he’s admitted to. You will *never* be sure that you know the full truth of his life because he didn’t voluntarily tell you that he’d lied, you discovered it on your own and confronted him.
The person you fell in love with doesn’t exist. It’s a persona he crafted. If he’s able to successfully lie about such massive things for years, there’s no telling what else he’s lied to you about or could lie about in the future. He concealed a whole-ass CHILD.
This is not a trustworthy person. You really need to get out of there.
>He had woven this perfect tale of lies, it was really well thought out. He didn’t look his age at all, and at one point, I’d seen a fake ID. He had his daughter on some weekends, when I was busy, and some other times – but had planned it all perfectly so I didn’t suspect anything.
Imagine the kind of person you’d really have to be to put this much effort into this type of planning. The effort, the details, the coordinating.
Imagine the type of person you’d have to be to spend 2.5 years willfully and intentionally lying every single day to a person you claim to love to keep up this level of deceit.
You only know what you know because you investigated and forced his hand. That’s it. How could you really ever believe you know this person at all?
This is a red flag sewn into the shape of a person. Acting like this at nearly 50 years old. I would seriously reconsider.
Honey, you know, deep down, that this *won’t* work out now that “the truth is out.” You’ll always wonder what else he’s hiding. You’ll always have this doubt in your heart and the back of your mind. Because you now know how **easily** he lies. Because that’s all he did to you for these past few years. He is not real. The man you fell in love with doesn’t exist. You fell in love with a lie. And no matter how much you love him, your love will never bring things back to how they were. Never. The relationship you had is over. And you’re posting on Reddit because deep down, you know. You just need to hear it from other people before you can admit it to yourself.
How can you love someone you never knew?
I promise these are not the only lies he tells. Plus he hid his kid from you????????? You really want to bring more kids into this world with a father like him?????? Get out now and go see a therapist. This guy has done a master level manipulation job on you and has your head all screwed up.
Your not in love with him your in love with the false image he created of himself cause you’ll never know his true self also he’s a creep what 47 year old wants a 23 year old a predator does and if he loved you he wouldn’t have lied and manipulated you into a relationship cause he knew you wouldn’t have dated him other wise and now stuck but its not too late leave get out he’s a liar manipulator and predator also there’s no way a 47 year old wants a kid I’m sorry its over
You just want to hear that it’s alright and that it’s going to work out regardless. Now that the truth is out over 2 years later, you get to meet the real Ryan. If you are fine with compulsive lying then you will be fine.
Don’t try for a relationship!
This guy even has a fake ID to dupe women into thinking he is 30 rather than almost 50!!!!
WTF He was never looking for anything serious. He just wants to fuck someone in their early 20s and make himself feel great. He is a creep
You don’t love him. You liked the idea of him. The idea of him being single, with no kids, no ex-wife, and 31. Not a 50 year old divorced dude with a 9 year old kid.
Wow 2.5 years of lying about the most important parts of his life. He is very comfortable with lying and will continue to lie about other stuff
The age gap isn’t the biggest problem. Him being a liar is the biggest problem. Don’t let him manipulate you. You can never trust anything he says again. Your whole relationship was built on a lie.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but there is no excuse for pretending to be 17 years younger. He stole your opportunity to decide if the age gap was a problem. He manipulated you into a relationship with sheer deceit and that makes him a predator. I’d say sociopath or narcissist but that sounds dramatic but you get where I’m going.
>> Any advice?
Yes, make him your ex-boyfriend. Also, stop being in “love” with scumbags.
The problem is the lying. He lied to you about his family so you wouldn’t figure out how old he was, or that he had a kid. You know that, right? To me, that’s way more egregious than anything else. This dude has no respect for you. I know you love him, but you need to love yourself more.
He was being incredibly deceitful. Do you really know this man? For all you know, everything could be a lie. You’re only in your 20s, can you imagine being with this man forever? He so easily lied to you and it doesn’t even seem like he’s remorseful. How would you even know if he continues to lie to you about other things? Spending money, meeting other women…who knows what he is truly capable of. He lied to you to exert control over you. He didn’t allow you to make a choice about dating a way older man who wasn’t actually divorced yet, with a child. Situations like this only get worse. People usually are on their best behavior when they start dating someone. It’s when you’re truly committed (marriage, shared finances, or kids) that he will be comfortable truly showing who he is.
Do you know the reason he is divorced? I mean his family is going to cover for him. Have you spoken to the ex-wife? Normally, I’d think that was weird but in this case, I’d want to know exactly what her version of their marriage and divorce is.
Psycho. One of the biggest killers of woman is their romantic partner. And it’s not as easy as oh I’ll leave if I feel unsafe because that’s the most dangerous time leaving. You are quite literally trusting your life with this man, who cannot be trusted.
I am really really really sorry this happened to you, and I know you must feel violated and maybe are scared to take off the rose coloured glasses, and also scared to leave.
Please please understand that because he has gaslit you for so long your judgement is now a bit screwed and you can only trust logic for a little bit until you build yourself back up.
I would be very concerned for you to stay in this relationship. He has abused you and like another commenter said probably has sociopathic tendencies.
If you were able to get yourself to leave, do you have a plan? I am very sorry this happened to you.
It is not your fault, your a normal beautiful person and he used all of his bad traits and age to manipulate you.
This is very very bad, and it is not your fault, I think you need to make an escape plan for when your ready.
These aren’t little white lies, these are massive. He lied about his age to get a younger partner. He lied about having kids. What else is he lying about?
You keep saying you love him. But frankly, you don’t know him. He’s 16 years older and has a child. He has been lying to you for your entire relationship.
You don’t love him, you love the idea of him.
HE’s a 50 years old grown ass man who lied to you. He’s TWICE YOUR AGE and add some more. Why the fuck can’t you see how ridiculous and obnoxious you are being. He doesn’t love you, if he did he wouldn’t lie to you.
He’s known you since you were what, 20 and he was 46… that’s disgusting fucking read what you wrote.
Come on, he is nothing more than a 50 year old liar who shouldn’t have been in that dating place in the first place, and you’re 23 with a nice amount of years ahead of you to find someone your own age and start a happy loving family with them. You will regret not leaving as you get older.
He lied about this whole version of himself, this isn’t just a white lie. The person you love is not who this man really is and I think deep down you know that. I’ve seen your responses saying the comments aren’t helpful but they’re being truthful, I just don’t think it’s what you want to hear.
I’ll be very surprised if anyone has commented saying: don’t worry, it’ll be okay. The truth of the matter is he has lied about fundamental parts of who he is and you said yourself he had a fake ID! The lengths he has gone to to lie about himself are a huge red flag. He had a fake ID and went to a singles event for people under 35…that’s predatory.
Do yourself a favour and get the fuck out of this relationship. You deserve somebody who’s honest, who treats you with respect and doesn’t manipulate you. Know your worth, because this isn’t it.
You fell in love with a person who doesn’t exist. He had to lie to create this person you would love. And if his mum didn’t know about you then she definitely won’t know if he’s seeing other people.
Do you know about the 7 states of grief?
They don’t just apply when someone dies.
Right now you’re still in the ‘denial’ stage.
I fully believe you still love him. Emotional attachments don’t go away in minutes. You need time. Take some alone time to let yourself process it. Talk to yourself like you would to a friend who told you her boyfriend did that to her. Talk to your friends.
And please don’t feel any shame for having been duped, some people are just awful. There are a lot of nice honest guys out there. You will love again. I promise.
Leave him. He’s been lying to you for years
You don’t love him, you loved the fake persona he has created for you
Giiirl…. don’t be stupid. You don’t even know him! He lied about everything and used you. Do you even realize how bad is what he has done to you? Take of your pink glasses!
Anybody with a fake ID who is actively trying to hook up with young woman is a red flag. The guy must have thought all his Christmas’ had come at the same time when he met you.
He could live a life of lies and you would never know. He could spend time on the weekends with his daughter while you worked.
The amount of lies he must have told to keep you in the dark must have been extraordinary. When you tell one lie it spirals into more to keep the pretense up. He probably didn’t even know what was the truth or a lie anymore.
You have fallen in love with someone and you can’t help that it happens to everyone. The things people are telling you is all true. You fell for the person you thought he was not the real him.
Your issue is age. For most it would be more than just that. You are 22 and he is 49. You are 13 years older than his daughter and he is 27 years older than you. When you have a child and say they are 10 he will be hitting 60. He may look good for your age but it’s not just looks it’s also the human body changes. You don’t know what his health will be like when he is pushing 65. But at that age you will still be late 30’s and in your prime. Dating is shit at times and sometimes you feel you will never meet the right person, we all get it. Everything about this situation isn’t good for you and the age gap is a joke. Why would he lie about it even if he didn’t think there was anything wrong with it.
Take a break and move on. Nobody comes here for validation of bad decisions.
You may never know the whole truth. You have pieces of the story, yes, but you will never be able to know exactly what happened because this man isn’t trustworthy.
You do know is that this man is a consummate liar. Ever since the day you met him, he has lied to you. You were *21* when he was *47*.
For me, I would never be able to trust him again. Not about the weather, about whether he paid the phone bill, about whether he had a cold. And a relationship is a partnership, they are meant to be the person you rely on for the mundane and the unexpected. I would be speedwalking away from this walking red flag because committing to someone who is so proficient in deceit will only end badly for you.
Bro what. After reading some of these comments, you’re doing this to yourself at this point. You don’t want advice. You want people to say “ the relationship is worth it 🥺 you guys love each other 🥺”. No. Either leave him and find someone else that’s around your age that hasn’t lied about their entire life to you or stay with a lying, almost 50 year old man who already has a kid who will 100% further lie to you throughout your relationship. If you want to waste your 20s with this man, go ahead. I hope this is a troll post because no woman should be this dense about a man.
Sounds like you’ve been groomed. Talk to a therapist to help you through difficult emotions.
Leave him