Context: My wife and I have been married 3 years, we’re in our mid 20’s, both out of college now and both working full time. She has a history of depression and anxiety.
I’m trying to decide if my wife and I need couples therapy or if we both simply need individual therapy. The majority of aspects in our marriage are wonderful, there are just some cracks starting to form that I’d like to address, particularly as they are starting to affect my mental health.
My wife is a little more experienced with therapy herself, and when she goes to see her therapist our marriage is the last thing she talks about–specifically because it is one of the healthiest aspects of her life.
I on the other hand feel like if I went to individual therapy my comments would be exclusively about our marriage. Having a spouse with depression is the hardest part of my life (not to downplay depression nor how hard it is on her in the slightest, she is a trooper for what she goes through) but for me that would be the focus of my commentary to a therapist on why my recent mental health is declining.
I knew what I signed up for in marrying her. I’m not surprised by the load I’m carrying at times, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. I’m not expecting anything to magically change through therapy, but I am hoping to lighten the load, be it simply through better coping mechanisms or an improved relationship. Depression can be pretty hard on an emotional and physical relationship and I’m trying to figure out where the best place to start is.
Thanks,
4 comments
I would personally try individual therapy first. Even if it seems like it would sound as if your therapy is about your wife, it isn’t. It’s about how you feel and to help how you feel. She should also benefit from working through her issues privately first and see if it improves your relationship as a side effect of therapy. I can tell you from personal experience that my relationship became healthier once I had recieved a few months of therapy by myself, because I learned to deal with my emotions better. It wasn’t the aim of the therapy but was a nice additional thing.
My main concern would be that she might feel a bit ganged up on if you started couples therapy together first and then drew most of the focus to your wife without giving her a fair chance to work on herself first.
I’d go with couples counseling. Obviously, it’s sad that your wife is struggling with depression and anxiety, and I’m sure it’s hard to watch. But it’s equally true that it doesn’t make you a monster if you want to see improvement in this area. These are treatable conditions if someone finds the right therapist and/or gets on the right meds. You don’t want her illness to define you as a person, and that’s starting to happen.
I don’t see any reason why you need individual therapy. Also, when you say she doesn’t talk about the marriage in her therapy, there’s no way this is true. She may not want to tell you what she’s saying, and this is understandable. Maybe her therapist is helping prepare her for talking to you.
This is why couples counseling might be helpful. I know it’s hard to verbalize, because you want to be sensitive to your wife’s struggles. But you aren’t happy in your marriage, and that’s when it’s time to pull in the pros.
Why can’t you do both?
My advice is be very careful with spousal diagnosis. Leave that part to professionals. Remember you are partners, 50-50.