How many people do you speak to at the same time with OLD?

14 comments

1. Hi u/HeartofM, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):

   * Posts must share a detailed experience and either pose a question or request advice. Posters should encourage discussion and be active in the comments. Questions lacking sufficient context may be removed. Update posts are allowed.

   Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).

2. Zero usually.
   I swipe and send messages based on what I like about their profiles. Maybe get a response every few months. Mostly they seem drunk and looking to waste my time for personal amusement. Fun times.

3. I swipe until I’m actually going out with someone I feel I might have a future with or have been out with 2-3 women, 2-3 times. I tend to keep my options open early on cause I have no idea if the women I’ve been out with will drop me or for some reason my interest in them wanes.
   As for messaging on the apps…I have no limit. If we haven’t met up, I’ll chat with however many women I match with.
   But all that matters is what you feel comfortable with. If you feel overwhelmed, then you feel overwhelmed. Take a step back and let things play out.

4. I’m open to speaking as many people as I match with initially, then that number goes down as I talk to them because some may not respond after the initial message, some I may not find as interesting as I did initially, etc etc. But ultimately I choose one match that I feel is the most compatible to meet. I can’t multi-date so just one person at a time.

   I would say be open to talk to a few matches, this way you can see for yourself which one you feel the most chemistry with/most compatible, then go from there. However, if you absolutely feel overwhelmed then I would advice just stick to talking to one match at a time.

5. I can’t imagine having the same general “first time chatting” type conversations over and over and over and over and over and over. How many times can I tell someone what college I went to, how many siblings and nieces/nephews I have, what my dogs name is, what TV show I’m into recently?

   And then to have to cross reference the same information with multiple people with slightly different variations. Hate to say “how was your mom’s birthday party” to someone who mom is dead and I forgot it was Molly who has her mom’s birthday this week, not Holly, the one who’s mom died of cancer 5 months ago. 🤷‍♂️

6. I try to have no more than 3 conversations going, knowing that 2 of them aren’t likely to become dates.

   Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

   I’ve juggled more, but it doesn’t feel like I’m able to give them all appropriate focus if I’m doing so.

   But I am super picky on who I match with so your mileage may vary.

7. The answer is subjective and based on you.

   To wit, it’s how ever many you’re comfortable and able to match their desired level of engagement. If someone is really chatty and interested in you, but you’re giving half assed 1-3 word dead end responses 12-24 hours later, you’re not being fair to them and wasting their time. If you can carry on fulfilling and meaningful conversations with several people at once until one turns serious and mutually exclusive, that’s your call to make.

   There isn’t a “right” answer on how many people you can talk to initially whilst looking for something serious as long as you’re being fair to them, and understand it’s also fair that they talk to multiple people unless you’ve both had that talk and agreement not to yet.

   > I end up swiping right on quite a few people, and feel overwhelmed and lack lustre about pursuing anything.

   And here it sounds like you’ve found some hard attention limits that you need to stay below.

8. I was just wondering about this last week! I have found that I cannot handle more than 2 or 3 conversations at once – it’s time-consuming and I start mixing up the details. Most of the conversations I maintain _do_ end up in dates (I’m a woman and I’m very selective already in the swiping/talking stage), 2-3 dates is more than enough. Ideally I’d be seeing one or two people and have someone else in the beginning talking stage in the “back burner” (as bad as that sounds, but it’s good for my anxious attachment style).

   I will feel a bit weird about talking with other men after I go on more than one date with someone, though.

9. this is something i want to change when i go back to dating.

   my energy level and desire for attention had me talking actively to about 12 people a day. and while the conversations were always good, they weren’t genuine. it’s impossible. if i had just wanted casual it would have worked, but totally failed when it came to finding a relationship.

   and now i’m completely lost thinking of going back.

10. I speak with one match at a time. I just don’t have the bandwidth emotionally or energetically to try to get to know multiple people at the same time. It’s way too much for me.

    If we vibe through text, within a week I’ll schedule a coffee date or something. If not it’s unmatch and on to the next one.

    Works for me.

11. It just depends – sometime, I’ll meet a woman that captures my attention so wholly that I could be on a date with someone else and am distracted thinking about them.

12. Zero, I ain’t getting matches loooooooool

13. I talk to as many people as possible and go on as many dates as possible as well. I’m not narrowing my chances from the get go 😅

14. It’s not usually an issue in terms of simultaneously speaking to multiple people within the apps themselves. It’s a weeding out period, so not as much physical space/time invested

    But mentally, I can’t handle going on actual dates or meet-ups with more than 2-3 people at a time. Becomes too much to remember and evaluate.