My family is run by a matriarchal structure with my grandma at the top. I live with my extended family in a multigenerational home. This means men in my family essentially live as subordinates. For example my mom will yell for my dad to clean up a mess she made instead of doing it herself and he will comply without fuss to not end up in an hours long screaming competition with her.
I have a few problems with this. First of all is that I have a disdain for authority. For example being told by my aunt with a few hours notice that I need to house sit with no option of declining makes me so angry. I was able to do it but I’m starting to reach a point where I’m overstretched and can’t do everything ordered of me. I want to say no but at the same time I don’t want to hurt their feelings and have to deal with the fallout of that and then having to apologize to half the family for inconveniencing them.
I try to convince my grandma that my grandpa needs a full time home nurse because I just can’t do it all all the time for him but she refuses to accept how bad it’s gotten and will keep waiting and seeing if he gets better. Obviously the dementia will not get better especially left untreated. She won’t listen to me either because I’m male or just too young to understand most things.
My brother manages to escape most responsibility by simply not being at home most of the time which leaves me as the only one left to do everything. It also doesn’t help that he often uses my car to get away so I’m stuck at home.
I want to be an independent adult making my own life choices but I don’t have that luxury. Most of what I own I have my parents to thank so I have no grounds to turn them down when my family needs something. I want to get a job but I do so much at home I don’t have time or energy to add more responsibilities.
At almost 24 now I am not at all happy in this situation, I dread going home because I know I always have something I need to do before I can do anything for myself. I want to have freedom, to have fun and to be in charge of myself.
Really I know the solution is to gtfo and I’m working on it but in the meantime how can I deal with my family and stand up for myself without hurting their feelings?
3 comments
Accept that any deviation from this norm they built will hurt their feelings. But that’s on them, not you
Fight them one at a time, never all at once. I’d go after someone in the middle weights first to keep the heavy and lightweights guessing. Leave a severed hand plainly visible…that tends to set a tone.
Fight for equality. If they had to serve under men, they would be annoyed so why force men to serve them. OP if you don’t want to do anything when they can do it, always say no as much as possible. Who cares about their feelings because they don’t care about yours, they want to use you. I don’t get this type of family thing where one person or one gender is considered superiors and its their right to control the other. Also NEVER ay sorry for something that’s not your fault. Start setting boundaries against them. Unfortunately because it basically your whole family, I don’t know who you can have to help you confront them and have them listen but if you find one, it might have to be a female due to their beliefs.
About your grandfather, ty to find if there is a service like cps but for adults. They might be able to get it through your grandmother’s head that her husband needs help and assistance and without it, it could get much, much worse.
Good luck OP