My husband (30m) and I (28f) and I are newly weds but we’ve been together for 8 years. Recently (past 4 months or so) we’ve been fighting a lot. It’s usually over something really small and while we’re on a vacation. When my husband gets upset about something he stays in a bad mood for a long time but still does whatever the group is doing and basically forces everyone to deal with his bad mood. For example, last night I gave him a heads up that I didn’t really want to go to any more bars because I was tired (it was 9:30) but I said he should go out with the other person who came on the trip with us. We had gotten up at 7am to go on a boat tour and stayed in the sun all day. Instead of doing that he came back with me and didn’t talk to me and stayed in a bad mood until around 1:30pm today when I finally cried because I said I was disappointed that a vacation was being messed up again by us fighting. Whenever we have these fights the only way to end it is if I admit that I’m wrong, but I don’t feel like I did anything wrong at all. I also think it’s unfair for him to force his bad mood on everyone else.
Tonight when we were out, I stopped by a salsa bar and instead of letting me know he didn’t want to go in he let me pay the cover and then stood there all mad while inside. I immediately said we could leave and I’d just lose the cover it’s fine. But then we got outside we got in a huge fight because I said “why didn’t you just let me know you didn’t want to go in there before I paid?” I’m just exhausted from arguing all the time and feeling like I can’t do anything right. He’s always had his moods where he’s quieter than usual but it hasn’t always been like this. We’ve done couples therapy before for some other stuff. I’ll probably suggest that we go back again. I’m just feeling really defeated right now.
4 comments
His communication skills and the lack there of sucks! The hell is wrong with him? He just stands there and pouts when things don’t go his WAY! Sheesh….
He can still be an independent adult and do stuff on his own, but yeah it sounds like his communication skills are lacking.
One thing that works with me and my partner is when one of us notices the other is grumpy we raise it as soon as we notice, ask why and if possible resolve it/talk about it. Sometimes it’s something silly that just needs to pass, other times it’s something we need to take action on. But I have found normalising talking about things in the moment and getting comfortable having non-emotionally heated conversations about when something is bugging us, has really improved our relationship dynamic and cut down on those long unpleasant periods where someone is unhappy but neither person wants to bring it up for fear of an argument.
I have a couple family members who act like this. Their bad moods take precedence over everybody else’s good moods. Time to start ignoring him completely when he behaves like that. Tell him you’ll be happy to engage normally once he feels like participating and not acting like a dick. If he refuses to communicate, carry on with your plans. Stop inviting him places and go with friends instead. He’ll try to punish you by sulking; act like you don’t even notice and keep doing your own thing. Stay at the salsa bar next time. Let him keep standing there looking like an asshole and leave when you’re ready to go. Don’t let him make his pissy attitude your problem anymore.
If you can’t tell, I have very little patience for this kind of behavior. I grew up around it and it’s bullshit. Don’t cater to him. Hopefully he’ll figure out his shitty attitude isn’t effective and he’ll start using his words.